What I wish I could tell the non-loss community: My grief overwhelms me. Some days I sit and cry all day. Some days I’m so angry my skin turns red. Some days I feel numb. Some days I pour my grief into writing. Some days, I’m okay. I grieve everything Continue Reading …
On the tragic day that Jack Teigen-Legend lost his life, I woke to a very kind text. My friend was warning me the news was covered with details of the Teigen-Legend loss and she wanted to warn me, in case it stirred up feelings of the day Thomas died. I Continue Reading …
My grief is heavy today. There is no one to tell. No one to turn to. I must be resilient and self-reliant. The clock stopped long ago on my grief. No one wants to hear it. It’s old news. Everyone else has moved on. Days like to today mean I Continue Reading …
We have this image in our heads of the people in our lives. We see what they do for others in times of need. We see how amazing they are and then we expect that image to come true for us when we need them the most. Unfortunately, people rarely Continue Reading …
To my friend who asks about my pregnancy. Thank you. Thank you for realising I want to talk about it. Thank you for realising my pregnancy still means something to me. Thank you for allowing me to share my memories. Thank you for asking my advice in relation to your Continue Reading …
By Clare Hedges I was scrolling through my phone at the end of May and saw an advertisement that gave me that sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach. The advertisement was for Father’s day cards. Another brutal reminder that life is not as it should be. In most Continue Reading …
This one is for the fathers of our children. The ones that were there for us through our pregnancies, our tears, our grief, our surgeries. The men that picked us back up when our worlds fell apart. This is for the fathers of our children who far too often go Continue Reading …
Those early grief days were some of the hardest days of my life. I say that as a survivor of child abuse. I say that as a suicide survivor. I say that as a survivor of multiple miscarriages. I say that as a mother who gave birth to a perfect Continue Reading …
By Amii Whelan “I think they should let those with children go home early for Christmas, it’s hard for those of us with young kids”, “I’m going to work right up to Christmas this year to let those with kids have time so when I have kids someone can do Continue Reading …
Losing our babies changes everything in life for us. We lose not just our babies, but the future we had envisioned with them. We lose our sense of identity as a parent, and so much more. Some of these changes, called secondary losses, are just so unexpected, though, like when Continue Reading …
By Chelsea Roman I don’t want to talk about it. (Yes I do.) I’m doing alright. (I am anything but okay.) What I really mean is I don’t want to talk about it, just to hear empty advice. It might get better but it sure as hell doesn’t get easier. Continue Reading …
The internet is both one of the best and the worst things to happen in the world of grief support. We now have websites, pages, and support groups for grievers; places where we can be heard and feel understood by people around the world. Celebrities are even opening up and Continue Reading …
By Necol Dickson Dear Family, I know that me deciding not to be involved in Christmas this year may come across as seeming rude, inconsiderate and hurtful. I’m writing this letter for you to read at Christmas, so I can give you a bit of an idea of why I Continue Reading …
By Gina Onorevole (Editor’s note: this article does touch on faith, keeping positive, and hopes for future living children; if these are sensitive topics for you, please read with caution.) Since October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I chose to be brave and share my story today. Writing Continue Reading …
By Deborah Hansen In the months, and even years, after the moment those dreaded words were spoken, “I am so sorry, there is no heartbeat”. (And, yes, it took the doctor multiple tries for me to understand my baby was dead.) We wonder, ask and even beg for “normalcy” to Continue Reading …
Growing up, I assumed that parenthood was a given; you grew up, got married and had kids. The college you went to, the job you had, the person you married, those were all choices but becoming a parent was an automatic part of life. Ah, the innocence of childhood. Life Continue Reading …
It’s that time of year again, where my Facebook memories from 2012 cryptically allude to my pregnancy. We hadn’t announced, yet – soon, but reading back I’m well aware what time it was. Why I had so many appointments, why I was so very tired. When grief was fresh and Continue Reading …
I am a Still Mother. That much is infinitely true. But, this is only one aspect of my existence and my story. While it is a part of who I am, and will forever be, it is not all of me. It’s taken me some time to build up the Continue Reading …
By Alison Ferrara *Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on Alison’s blog here. At some point in our lives we will all encounter grief. It may be the loss of someone that affects you for a short time and then you can move forward with life just as you once Continue Reading …
There are so many things that losing a baby steals from a Mom. We lose innocence, optimism, fulfilled dreams, hope, maybe faith and some really important relationships. It sucks. It hurts. It feels like it may swallow us whole. But when we are open to it, it can give us Continue Reading …
Sometimes, I find myself reading posts from Moms that are at the very beginning of their loss journey and my heart aches for them. The pangs of deepest agony that ring throughout their words can easily bring me back to those very moments myself. I wish there were magic words Continue Reading …
By Amy Peterson Grief is messy. This is a simple truth that much of society still doesn’t want to accept. Some people try to sugarcoat it. This only causes further pain because sugarcoating it implies that there is some “right” or “socially acceptable” way to grieve. You’re supposed to feel Continue Reading …
Last month marked what would have been Kendall’s 20th birthday. I spent it alone, as I have almost every other one, yet this time was different. Internally, I have shifted from the place of “these anniversaries are sacred and mine alone” to the space of wanting to have someone, or Continue Reading …
By Stephanie Martinez No one remembers our babies. At least not until someone in the family gets pregnant. Then its “don’t tell Stephanie” or “How do I tell her without hurting her” or “I don’t want to remind her that she lost a baby. She’s so fragile about the ‘incident’.” Continue Reading …
I went a co-worker’s wedding a few weeks ago. It was more of a work obligation than a social one, but I felt I had to go and, unfortunately, my husband wasn’t able to come with me. The only thing worse than being alone at a wedding, is being a Continue Reading …
By Brooke Long Just last weekend, while driving home from seeing my two amazing godchildren, I heard the new song “Life Changes” by Thomas Rhett for the first time. A country girl at heart, I’ve always enjoyed his music… but something about this song struck a chord in me that Continue Reading …
That horrible night in the ER twenty years ago was the loneliest I have ever been. My heart was breaking, part of me wanted it to simply stop beating all together, but although grateful it did not, it was aching with grief. I went to the ER alone, as I Continue Reading …
April 14th will mark the 20th loss anniversary of my son Kendall. Twenty years of tears and joys, losses and loves, hopes and dreams shattered and others birthed into fruition. If anyone had dared tell me I would be peaceful with the approaching of this anniversary I would have been Continue Reading …
Here comes an understatement: it isn’t easy being a Still Mother. It isn’t easy to walk around with a heart full of love and empty arms. To visit a grave, instead of school recitals. To think of how it “should have/could have been” while living what it actually turned out Continue Reading …
I lost my daughter. That is my truth. Once I got over the initial shock of her loss, and accepted that truth, I knew I had two real choices on how to move forward. I could face the future with bitterness, resentment and consider her loss the only defining factor Continue Reading …
*Editors Note: This post is about the author’s struggle with faith, religion and personal beliefs after loss. If faith is a triggering subject for you, please proceed with caution, or simply skip this post. *** Let me start of by saying that this is not intended to bash or discourage anyone that Continue Reading …
When you lose a baby no one ever tells you how completely and utterly alone you feel once you come out of hospital. I think this feeling for me was more profound than any other when my little boy died when I was 20 weeks pregnant. I had spent those Continue Reading …
Grief really is like the wave that so many people relate it to. Sometimes you feel as if you’re drowning, sometimes you are just barely treading water enough to breathe, sometimes the tidal wave smashes over your head and you don’t know which way is up or if you’ll survive. Continue Reading …
When I found out I was pregnant with Kendall, I was no longer in a relationship with his Dad. There were real reasons why the relationship was over, ironically, one of them was he already had children and was not the kind of Dad to them I wanted for my Continue Reading …
If you did not read my previous posts, Therapeutic Endeavors part I & part II, I’ll catch you up. Basically; I had a crappy therapist, became a therapist and then had a much better therapist. He suggested I write a letter to my son telling him all the things I Continue Reading …
If you read the first part of this post last time, you already know that I had nothing but bad experiences with therapists my whole life. You also probably know (if you’ve ever read any of my posts) that this inspired me to become a therapist myself to help bereaved Continue Reading …
Have I ever told you about the therapist I saw just one time after my son died? No? Let me tell you now. If I could sum it up in one word? Awful. I was hesitant about seeing a therapist at all because it was something I had to do Continue Reading …
Recently, I found a box of old pictures – always an interesting and terrifying worm hole to jump down. These were pictures from high school – prom, birthdays, last day of school etc. What startled me is how very different the girl in the picture’s face was and it wasn’t Continue Reading …
When I was early in the grief process, I read an amazing post, over at Still Standing, by the equally amazing Angela Miller. It was titled “Why you Didn’t Fail as a Mother” and it changed how I grieved. I book marked it. I re-read it. When it came out Continue Reading …
I’m a mother. My beautiful baby girl Camila died six months ago and I struggle daily to live without her in my arms. I’m lucky to have my dear husband, who loves me no matter what, and I’m extremely grateful for that. Today I want to write to thank our Continue Reading …
OK, I know what you’re thinking… There is nothing worse than a Breakdown. It’s been days, months, and maybe years since you’ve had one. It could be just hours or minutes since your last. Congratulations on getting through it! Now what did you learn? To me, Breakdowns are the worst Continue Reading …
I’ve always thought of myself as a genuine and empathetic person. In fact, I still find that to be true. However, after the loss of my daughter something shifted in me and while I don’t like it, I haven’t got to the point where I can control or change it, Continue Reading …
Today was All Saints Day at my church. The day is meant to commemorate the souls of our dearly departed. We were asked to recall people who we considered saints in our own lives and how their actions impacted us. We were also encouraged to think of our own legacy Continue Reading …
Tonight I am feeling so angry. I am furious with the world and with God and with all the events that led to my girl being taken from me. I am supposed to be at a work function right now, but I took myself away because the last thing I Continue Reading …
There are many things I struggled with after losing my daughter and in all honesty, every day still brings its own struggles. While I feel as though I’m through the storm, the battle is not over. The battle will never truly be over and I’m okay with that because moving Continue Reading …
I sat down to write this post, and realized that everything I thought I wanted to say wasn’t entirely true today. It might be true tomorrow, it might be true later this afternoon, but right now, none of the things I planned to write are things I’m feeling. Maybe that’s Continue Reading …
A non-profit organization that I work with held their 7th annual Footprints On Our Hearts Walk To Remember the weekend of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My husband and I had never attended a walk for our son before. It was an extremely emotional but comforting experience for us. Continue Reading …
I recently got home from a long weekend away at Faith’s Lodge. I had expected that a weekend away with my husband in a beautiful, peaceful environment would be a fulfilling experience for us, but I didn’t anticipate that it would be as meaningful as it ended up being. On Continue Reading …
Grieving and Facebook. I have so many mixed feelings about social media, especially now, nearly two years since my son’s departure from this world. On one hand, I love Facebook and its ability to quickly connect people across the world. In those early days of my grieving process, I would Continue Reading …
Losing a baby is one of a few instances one can go through in life that truly draws a trench in their timeline. Life is no longer fluid. It is the before and the after. But the after is not at all what you had in mind and were preparing Continue Reading …
It’s been a rough (almost) 2 years. You have experienced more than many will in their lifetime. While you have suffered great loss, you also know great love. I just wanted to remind you of a few things. The infertility/loss combo is a B! It will make you feel physically Continue Reading …
You hear many things about grief – “it comes and goes in waves”, “there’s no wrong way to grieve” and “everyone grieves differently”. In my experience, these are all true, but the last one was incredibly real after the loss of my daughter. What do you do when you’re not Continue Reading …
Today, my daughter told me she loves me. She wrapped herself around me and was warm to the touch. I stroked my fingers through the length of her hair. We sat together in silence. Her breath grazing across my face. I closed my eyes and for the first time she Continue Reading …
So many people have told me “you’re so strong.” Sometimes I want to punch them, but most of the time I just shrug and tell them that I don’t have any other choice. My husband repeatedly tells me that I do, in fact, have a choice. I could choose to Continue Reading …
Losing a baby or being unable to conceive one is traumatic for both mind and body. Most women blame their bodies in some way, because it feels like something that should be within our control. Carrying a baby is natural, right? I mean, it’s arguably what the female body is Continue Reading …
Grief is such an isolating and traumatizing experience, in and of itself, never mind when the source of grief is the loss of a baby. It has been a bit over nineteen years for me and I can recall every single detail from that horrific night in the emergency room. Continue Reading …
“Everything happens for a reason”. Bet you’ve heard that one too many times? In fact, when you’ve lost your child, one time is too many. There can surely be no decent reason that any parent should be without their child. Nor can you expect to see or find the dreaded Continue Reading …
It begins, every June… as I go on Social Media, the “On This Day” posts show up. I have a vicious love/hate relationship with TimeHop/On this Day. Many people have suggested I delete it, and remove the triggers and the pain that come with them. It’s logical: why put myself Continue Reading …
I am a HUGE believer in signs. I have also always believed that “everything happens for a reason”… although in Gemma’s case, I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that there was a reason for her passing. True, her passing gave her relief from living in the NICU Continue Reading …
Recently I went to buy some new plants at the garden centre for our angel – Lily . We’ve brought a ones before many times but these were special ones to go in some new plant pots in the back garden and in my mind I thought ” ooo definitely Continue Reading …
One of the first (and best) pieces of advice I heard after losing my son, Jonah, at 30 weeks, was from another bereaved mother in a Facebook group: she told me to be gentle with myself. Now, I see and hear this advice everywhere, and I even say it to Continue Reading …
Perspective is an authentic aspect of our existence. Perspective can be altered by the environment or experiences. We may work to change our perspective if we want to. Regardless, the only true view that we really ever have is our own; no matter how empathetic or sympathetic we try to Continue Reading …
I get it. I really do. Working in healthcare has given me a brand new insight to what it’s like to watch people you care for in pain. Suffering, hurting, in gut wrenching agony… and all you want to do is make it stop for them. Hearing the cries and Continue Reading …
I remember my first Mother’s Day; I was pregnant and I had a delicious secret growing inside me. Only a few people knew… but I had that happy, secret smile. I bought myself a foot soak, at a health store, thinking next year would be my first “real” Mother’s Day. Continue Reading …
As we approach Mother’s Day, my third as a loss mom, I feel ready, willing and able to tell you a beautiful story that I carry in my heart….A story about a girl named Jimmie. You see, when we found out we were pregnant, my husband Brent and I had Continue Reading …
I hesitantly clicked the send button. I had just posted my first full picture of my son. Most new parents are excited to post a picture of their sleeping newborn, nestled in a cocoon of blankets. The image is often greeted with comments of, “Congratulations!” or “He’s so adorable. He’s got your eyes.” I knew that such Continue Reading …
As a mother, I’m constantly putting other people’s needs before mine. If someone needs me to come over and help, I drop whatever I’m doing to make sure they’re all set. When I get a text that a person needs support as I’m crying my eyes out, I dry my Continue Reading …
There are so many things about my daughters’ lives, my sweet babies who both died before birth, that I simply don’t remember. It pains me to admit that. So many loss moms talk about due dates and “angelversaries” and the day they found out they were pregnant and dates of Continue Reading …
There are some days when I just feel so trapped. I’m stuck here in this life, not really wanting to live, but unable to find a way out. There are days when I just don’t know how to deal with the pain. I feel like I should be able to Continue Reading …
Dear William, As I write this, I listen to the sound of wind chimes outside my door. I like to believe that your spirit is in the wind, causing the melodic tinkling that bursts forth from the chimes. By rippling through the chimes, you let me know that you are close. As I lay awake Continue Reading …
Every year we always say “New Year New Me”. That usually entails working out, setting goals, and dreaming about what this year will bring. But being a loss mom a New Year for me means a whole lot less. It means living another year childless. Living another year wishing I Continue Reading …
It’s taken me awhile to admit it, but I think losing James has made me a better person. I’m not saying I wouldn’t rather have him here. I would gladly give anything to have my son with me again. What I am saying is that since losing him so suddenly Continue Reading …
“New normal” It’s a term that has come up quite often during my pregnancy loss journey. The first time I heard the term used was when I spoke to another pregnancy loss mom who told me life may seem dark now, but I will soon learn to adjust to my Continue Reading …
As we grow from children into adulthood we begin to choose the different roads we will go down. Some may choose straight, constructive paths, while others choose winding paths of self-destruction. And as we gain our independence, we feel that we have control of the paths we choose to take. Continue Reading …
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…right? Most definitely not. Not when your child has died. Just thinking about Christmas is giving me severe anxiety. Like to the point that I am shaking and sweating and feel like I am going to pass out. Christmas used to be my favorite Continue Reading …
Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone and this year I struggled. With every “Happy Thanksgiving!” text, note or wishes, my face would go blank and I would type or say the appropriate response. However, in my head? In my head I was wondering what there was to be happy OR Continue Reading …
I used to have a little girl. The fairest of them all. A cuddler, a fighter, everything I had hoped for. I used to be a mother, to carry her, to feed her, to change her diapers. I was the moon to her sun, and never away from her. But Continue Reading …
The relief. The utter relief of feeling joy. It can happen again. Sure, it was brief. But it was there. For the first time in more than three months, I felt okay. My heart stopped aching temporarily. I felt almost high on joy. It had been so long. Sure, I Continue Reading …
Beautiful Mother, I see you. I found you in one of those loss groups. I had been trolling the group for a while looking for anyone to whom I could connect. I desperately wanted to talk to another mother that had a similar story to mine. We found each other Continue Reading …
There’s something that happens to a person when they survive trauma. For me, it was like someone snapped my neck and now I’m a quadriplegic. Suddenly I had an entire new perspective on the world I never asked for. It became even darker than before. Losing my daughter was, unfortunately, Continue Reading …
I keep trying to write about receiving support after the death of our precious babies – how to ask for it, how to accept it, and the difficulties of both. Instead, I find myself crying and the words get jumbled up in my head. If I had any Achilles Heel Continue Reading …
I have always been a person who loves to learn. I was a nerdy child who looked forward to the first day of school with eager anticipation. Although anxious about who was going to be in my classes, I also always looked forward to a year of new experiences and Continue Reading …
I’ve seen us on Facebook. There are a few of us out there who, for whatever reason, were not present to greet our babies. The mothers who didn’t get to say Hello, or Goodbye. I gave birth while in a medicated coma. Thomas entered the world and I was not there Continue Reading …
There is enough struggle in grief without having expectations on where you “should be”. The idea we need to be “happier”, “better”, “to move on” or – at times – to be sadder does not support us in our grief, but rather brings up feelings of guilt and shame. You Continue Reading …
Recently, my husband’s cousin asked him what it was like for us the day Alyssa died – to hold her and see her. She had seen pictures and said she was beautiful. I couldn’t agree more! But I wish I had been there to answer the question, to talk about Continue Reading …
When it comes to the feelings of jealousy, longing, spite and heartache that accompany a bereaved parent on their journey of grief, I am a veteran. I fight the daily battles, all while surrounded by people who not only have no understanding in regards to being childless, but certainly have no understanding Continue Reading …
When you have a baby that doesn’t come home from the hospital you end up with a lot of unneeded stuff. Depending on the scenario, you may have had a nursery all prepped and ready. You likely stocked up on the necessities and received generous gifts from your family and Continue Reading …
There’s something special about taking someone’s photo. In some cultures, it’s so intimate they think the camera steals your soul. My goal as a photographer has always been to capture the sparkle in someone’s eyes, the laughter behind their grin. My best work used to be from chasing people and Continue Reading …
Yesterday I read an article about child loss, written by a psychologist. It was important that she wrote about the topic, yet, when I finished reading it I was left with a bad taste in my mouth. Among other things she mentioned that if you get support from your family Continue Reading …
Editor’s Note: This post references the idea of wanting another child after loss. Please read with caution, if this is a triggering subject for you. “To not be in the story of how it should have been but to live in deep acceptance of how it is. The only time Continue Reading …
Stillness. I never realized there would be so much stillness. My husband and I were always introverts but this was a far different atmosphere than we were used to. After years of trying-and failing-to have a family we were tens of thousands of dollars in debt and surrounded by stillness. Continue Reading …
I’ve been pretty quiet lately. I keep sitting down to write and coming up blank on what to write about – and to be honest, feeling a little guilty. Why guilty? Because, overall, things are going well. I feel pretty good most days. Happy. Purposeful. Challenged by new experiences. Grateful Continue Reading …
Dear God, You and I — we’re not on the best of terms right now. Our relationship is not over. I am just finding it really hard to talk to you. Is it because I’m angry with you? Maybe. Is it because I no longer trust you? Quite possibly. Is Continue Reading …
NPR recently aired a segment about the lifestyle choices that increase humans’ life expectancy. The biggest factor was the quality of a person’s relationships and how connected they felt to others. When my son died the connections I had in my life were no longer enough. I found myself constantly Continue Reading …
Hope can spring from the strangest places; like a former Concentration Camp. The day of my visit to Auschwitz marked eleven moths and fourteen days since my son, Jack, was born, and eleven months and fifteen days since he died in my arms. It was 7 weeks to the day Continue Reading …
When we lost Thomas, I knew we had suffered an enormous loss. A loss that I cannot adequately describe in the English language. I didn’t yet know that we would never be the same, that life would never be the same. Things are forever divided, in my mind and heart, Continue Reading …
As I continue on my journey of learning to live my life without my son, a family, and totally alone I have found tremendous comfort in art. I learned basic painting techniques while I attended AAU when I went back for my degree. Little did I know then how helpful Continue Reading …
“If it weren’t for my older son/daughter, I don’t think I could survive.” “Without my living children, I don’t think I would have found anything worth living for.” “If I hadn’t had my rainbow baby, I don’t know if I could have found hope again.” “I just don’t know if Continue Reading …
I often think about a time one night nearing the end of our pregnancy, while lying next to my husband. I can not recall a happier time in our lives. Finally, after years and years and years of struggling with infertility, we had overcome the barriers and conceived our perfect Continue Reading …
One year ago, on May 10th, Still Mother’s went live. Our vision for a place to support all loss mothers with no living children came into being. Many months of hard work – writing, planning, creating, and designing – all came together in a lovely way, and we began on a Continue Reading …
