I am a Still Mother. That much is infinitely true. But, this is only one aspect of my existence and my story. While it is a part of who I am, and will forever be, it is not all of me. It’s taken me some time to build up the courage to not only admit this to myself, but to speak this out to others and own this truth. Mostly, because I understand what a sensitive topic this is – and rightfully so.

It’s been three years now since I lost my daughter and through these past few years, I have worked through the stages of grief. In doing so, I truly feel as though I’m finally “on the other side” of my grief- a side I refused to admit could even exist three years ago.

I’ve found my happiness again. I’ve felt love. I’ve come to terms with my loss – the best anyone possibly can. And, I’ve made a choice. I’ve decided that while I will always grieve the loss of my Quinn, I will always miss her and I will always wonder “what if”, that I am more than loss. While “Still Mother” is something that certainly defines me, it is not all that defines me. I am bereaved, but I am more than that. I am loving, I am kind, I am goofy. I am a daughter, a friend, a sister, a fiancée – and a mother.

This is in no way meant to minimize anyone else’s feelings of pain, loss or identity. I simply felt as though I had a choice. While I had no choice in losing Quinn, I had a choice in my healing. At some point in my grief journey, I realized in losing her – the hardest thing I have ever had to endure – I could not also lose myself. I could not allow myself to drown in my pain; I needed to accept her loss, as much as I couldn’t understand it, so that I could heal.

I guess my point in writing this is not to sound strong or resilient, but to impart hope. To say there will be a time in life where you’ll be happy again – without feeling guilty. And that, you shouldn’t be made to feel insensitive for not feeling guilty. That it’s okay to live your life again on your terms. That you are a mother, but you are also more than that. There is not any one thing that defines you – including your unbelievable loss. Being more than bereaved is okay.

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Ashleigh McDonald

I’m 28 and live in Providence, RI. I work in marketing specializing in social media and creative content.Quinn Beverly is my only child, whom I lost unexpectedly around my 8th month of pregnancy ultimately due to heart failure.I have a 3 year old collie/shepherd mix named Athena who keeps me plenty busy in my off-time.I eagerly look forward to football season every year- go Pats!I spend my time with family, friends and try to give back in Quinn’s memory whenever I can.I carry her memory with me every day and have been vocal on my personal social media channels about both her life and my struggles.By being open and vulnerable, my hopes are to removethe stigma surrounding infant loss while also hopefully helping others who have also suffered a similar loss.

Latest posts by Ashleigh McDonald (see all)

• Being More Than Bereaved - April 29, 2019
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• The Road Less Traveled - March 12, 2018