By Deborah Hansen
Ladies, it is time to take back our bodies!
I have lived in this body for 47 years. Before seeking medical intervention to have a child, I had very strong opinions regarding what I put in my body, physical activities and how I let others advise me on the use of my body. While this most likely was rooted in 20 years of dancing ballet, I have no doubt my strong and opinionated personality contributed to the care I took in accepting advice from others regarding my body.
On September 21, 2011, my final attempt to have a living child was over. Raelyn Grace had left this world. Her precious body was miscarried on October 6, 2011.
Moving forward from emotionally investing everything I had into the dream of motherhood, to socially functioning at what I perceive to be an acceptable level has taken countless false starts. A few months ago, I got the determination back into me to lose the “baby weight”. By that, I mean the 80 pounds I put on after I lost Raelyn. Some of it was from medication, some of it was from grief, some of it was from not leaving my house, some of it was because I was too afraid of triggers to go to a grocery store, however, EVERY ounce I gained saved my life. I truly believe the activities that led to my weight gain is the only reason I am alive today.
I finally reached a point in this baby loss journey that I could accept my weight gain for what it was, self-protection.
I made a conscious decision that shedding those 80 pounds did not make me any less of a loving mother. You see, part of me saw every ounce as lifesaving. The courage to part with those pounds almost seemed like a betrayal to each and every child I lost through miscarriage.
I was ready to hit the weight loss challenge head on, at full speed. No more false starts. I was ready to tackle the next hurdle in my attempts to get the appearance of my “before” life back.
I hired an Olympian with a degree in kinesiology and nutrition. I believed in her degrees and accomplishments. Based on her achievements, I wholeheartedly, and without any questions, did everything she asked in the areas of diet, supplements and physical activities.
The supplements made me ill, but I kept taking them. Her advice on how to adjust my work environment to strengthen my abs caused my back issues to flare up. She would tell me something and I would eagerly add or adjust my life to follow her advice to the letter.
Yes, my body was transforming. Yet, I was also in unnecessary pain, my stomach was always upset and I wasn’t sleeping.
Then my eyes opened, during my journey to become a mother of a living child, I did EVERYTHING the “professionals” told me, asked of me, suggested to me, or even thought might work. I did absolutely everything. Now I am repeating the same pattern, doing everything told, asked, suggested, or thought, to lose the weight.
It had become a pattern. Once again, I was giving someone else complete control over my body in hopes that they could do miracles. Somehow in the IVF madness, I lost the confidence to make choices about my body. Somewhere in-between counting follicles, daily ultrasounds and blood test, I lost the ability to say NO, this is my body. Seven years ago I stopped trying to produce eggs. Yet, that mindset of waiting for the professionals to tell me what and how to take care of my body never stopped.
Ladies, it is time to take our bodies back.
Stop blindly trusting professionals on the best things for your body.
How many fertility things have we done? How many crazy old wives’ tales have we followed in hopes of bringing a living child into this world? Don’t let your desperation make you lose sight that no one knows your body like you do.
Take care of your body, love your body, and forgive your body. It is the only body you get.
As for my weight loss, it is on hold for now. I learned a more important lesson, only I know how to take care of the body I was given. I encourage you to make peace with your body so you can move forward in the next step of your life’s journey.
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Deborah Hansen has lost 9 children to miscarriage. After 20 years in elementary education, she became the owner of several successful feline grooming businesses. Deborah teaches, speaks, and writes on the topics of all things feline, including grooming, environment, behavior, and creative grooming. Additionally, she teaches business and online
presence for groomers.
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This is exactly what I needed to read this week, thank you.