One year ago, I had my first real out-of-body experience. It happened the moment I found out my baby’s heart had stopped beating. The beautiful sound that mimicked galloping horses – the one I never feared would go away because I was naive – disappeared. My baby, who was so full of Continue Reading …
The daffodils bloom a few weeks before your birthday. When I see them it reminds me the end of March is coming. I give myself your day to let whatever may be – be. Sometimes I feel brave enough to weather my deeper feelings and think of who you Continue Reading …
I am sad today. It’s my son Finley’s fourth birthday today, and he’s not here to celebrate. He’s not here to enjoy a birthday party. I don’t want fake Facebook birthday parties every year that celebrate a little boy who isn’t here, but is loved by so many. I want Continue Reading …
It’s hard, I imagine, to really understand the pain and longings of an invisible mother – a mother without any living children. To understand the unbelievable ache to hold the child you love with every beat of your heart. The idea of having one’s only or all their children die Continue Reading …
It really is hard to explain just how hard it is to be a Still Mother. The constant triggers, the insensitivity we are frequently shown, and just how draining it is to constantly walk around every day with our emotional shields up to try to deflect some of the pain Continue Reading …
My grief rarely makes me cry and when it does, it’s never in public. My grief is more likely to be stress, weariness, and anxiety. My grief is a disability, but it’s more likely one you can’t see. My grief is setting me apart. My grief changed my identity, made me Continue Reading …
Sometimes, three years after losing Thomas, I feel like I’m a walking, talking grief expert. There are so many things that I don’t understand or know about – math, astronomy, chemistry, physics – all of those subjects I draw a blank. Grief, though…grief is sadly, very much in my wheelhouse. Continue Reading …
The moment Addison’s father and I decided to go our different ways I realized how hard meeting someone else was going to really be. Dating is hard to begin with but here I am, forever attached to my ex, always talking about my baby, which is his baby too. It takes Continue Reading …
Another day Another week Another month Almost a full year without you Another quiet morning at home Another lunch date for two Another sleepless night Almost a full year of silence Another pregnancy announcement Another baby shower invitation Another birth announcement Almost a full year of constant tears Another abrupt Continue Reading …
