The last two years have been tumultuous, full of change, growth, steps forward, and steps back. A divorce. Two moves. A new home with a fresh start; a place to make my own. And even a glimpse of a future with some happiness, contentment, and maybe even budding romance. I Continue Reading …
You would never think they are comparable, but they are. Who has it worse? Everyone loves to play this game. If asked, everyone would say cancer. Before my infertility journey, I would have agreed 100 percent. But now I don’t. I don’t think one is worse. I think they both Continue Reading …
Loss is not a dirty word. To anyone that has never experienced a loss, specifically a child loss, the statement may seem silly. Anyone who hasn’t gone through the intense pain of losing someone so tied to your heart, mind, and soul often dismisses that a majority of the Continue Reading …
What I wish I could tell the non-loss community: My grief overwhelms me. Some days I sit and cry all day. Some days I’m so angry my skin turns red. Some days I feel numb. Some days I pour my grief into writing. Some days, I’m okay. I grieve everything Continue Reading …
On the tragic day that Jack Teigen-Legend lost his life, I woke to a very kind text. My friend was warning me the news was covered with details of the Teigen-Legend loss and she wanted to warn me, in case it stirred up feelings of the day Thomas died. I Continue Reading …
I want to live in the before. It’s a land of abundant sunshine and green grass. A place that I once lived and where I only thought I had any “problems”. Really, that place is a but a memory now. One that I sometimes fondly long for. At other times, one that Continue Reading …
My grief is heavy today. There is no one to tell. No one to turn to. I must be resilient and self-reliant. The clock stopped long ago on my grief. No one wants to hear it. It’s old news. Everyone else has moved on. Days like to today mean I Continue Reading …
We have this image in our heads of the people in our lives. We see what they do for others in times of need. We see how amazing they are and then we expect that image to come true for us when we need them the most. Unfortunately, people rarely Continue Reading …
To my friend who asks about my pregnancy. Thank you. Thank you for realising I want to talk about it. Thank you for realising my pregnancy still means something to me. Thank you for allowing me to share my memories. Thank you for asking my advice in relation to your Continue Reading …
By Clare Hedges I was scrolling through my phone at the end of May and saw an advertisement that gave me that sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach. The advertisement was for Father’s day cards. Another brutal reminder that life is not as it should be. In most Continue Reading …
This one is for the fathers of our children. The ones that were there for us through our pregnancies, our tears, our grief, our surgeries. The men that picked us back up when our worlds fell apart. This is for the fathers of our children who far too often go Continue Reading …
Those early grief days were some of the hardest days of my life. I say that as a survivor of child abuse. I say that as a suicide survivor. I say that as a survivor of multiple miscarriages. I say that as a mother who gave birth to a perfect Continue Reading …
By Alison Ferrera Bereaved motherhood and a pandemic is complicated and there is much to say, but let me just start by saying COVID-19 sucks. It sucks for everyone. And there are so, so, many specific groups it sucks extra for. And, yes, my mother taught me not to say ‘sucks.’ But this Continue Reading …
By Clare Hedges I woke up this morning with a desire to get some words out of my head and onto paper. It has been a year and three months since our beautiful daughter went to sleep forever. She was seven weeks old, perfect in every single way and everything Continue Reading …
Well, the world has pretty much gone insane and it is my goal to write this post without using the words “unprecedented times”. Because I hear those words so often; I feel like it could be a drinking game and as someone who can’t drink alcohol, I can’t tell you Continue Reading …
By Chelsea Roman The days and weeks after the death of my daughter, Athena, I’ve been flooded with “I can’t imagine” and similar comments; they are empty and unhelpful. This is my response to those comments: _______________________________ Editor’s Note: This guest post is by a member of Continue Reading …
By Amii Whelan “I think they should let those with children go home early for Christmas, it’s hard for those of us with young kids”, “I’m going to work right up to Christmas this year to let those with kids have time so when I have kids someone can do Continue Reading …
Losing our babies changes everything in life for us. We lose not just our babies, but the future we had envisioned with them. We lose our sense of identity as a parent, and so much more. Some of these changes, called secondary losses, are just so unexpected, though, like when Continue Reading …
By Chelsea Roman I don’t want to talk about it. (Yes I do.) I’m doing alright. (I am anything but okay.) What I really mean is I don’t want to talk about it, just to hear empty advice. It might get better but it sure as hell doesn’t get easier. Continue Reading …
The internet is both one of the best and the worst things to happen in the world of grief support. We now have websites, pages, and support groups for grievers; places where we can be heard and feel understood by people around the world. Celebrities are even opening up and Continue Reading …
By Necol Dickson Dear Family, I know that me deciding not to be involved in Christmas this year may come across as seeming rude, inconsiderate and hurtful. I’m writing this letter for you to read at Christmas, so I can give you a bit of an idea of why I Continue Reading …
By Amy Peterson As a popular blogger and fellow loss mom wrote, we live in a pregnancy and baby obsessed society. “Mom culture” has exploded in recent years. Gender reveal parties are now a thing and many are elaborate affairs. Etsy is filled with never-ending onesies that can be personalized Continue Reading …
Earlier this year, I wrote about one of the phrases I hate, namely when people accuse us of being ‘stuck’ in our grief. A writing prompt from 2019’s World Childless Week got me thinking about another phrase that I hate, “as a parent, I have empathy.” Equating parenthood and empathy Continue Reading …
Growing up, I assumed that parenthood was a given; you grew up, got married and had kids. The college you went to, the job you had, the person you married, those were all choices but becoming a parent was an automatic part of life. Ah, the innocence of childhood. Life Continue Reading …
It’s that time of year again, where my Facebook memories from 2012 cryptically allude to my pregnancy. We hadn’t announced, yet – soon, but reading back I’m well aware what time it was. Why I had so many appointments, why I was so very tired. When grief was fresh and Continue Reading …
I am a Still Mother. That much is infinitely true. But, this is only one aspect of my existence and my story. While it is a part of who I am, and will forever be, it is not all of me. It’s taken me some time to build up the Continue Reading …
By Alison Ferrara *Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on Alison’s blog here. At some point in our lives we will all encounter grief. It may be the loss of someone that affects you for a short time and then you can move forward with life just as you once Continue Reading …
There are so many things that losing a baby steals from a Mom. We lose innocence, optimism, fulfilled dreams, hope, maybe faith and some really important relationships. It sucks. It hurts. It feels like it may swallow us whole. But when we are open to it, it can give us Continue Reading …
I recently lost my third child. It was another miscarriage. It happened only days after I saw the positive lines on the pregnancy test. I woke up one morning and started bleeding. I spent a day in the emergency room, praying that it wasn’t true, hoping that I wasn’t losing my third Continue Reading …
August was a hard month for my family and me. I actively dreaded it. I tried to brace myself for it, since it does arrive every damn year; but no matter how much I prepare, there are always a few sucker punches it throws my way. It was in August Continue Reading …
“At least you can get pregnant.” “Everything happens for a reason.” “God has a plan for you.” I have heard these phrases more times than I can count. The words are uttered by well-intentioned people, but pierce my scarred heart as sharp as a knife’s blade every time they are Continue Reading …
It begins, every June… as I go on Social Media, the “On This Day” posts show up. I have a vicious love/hate relationship with TimeHop/On this Day. Many people have suggested I delete it, and remove the triggers and the pain that come with them. It’s logical: why put myself Continue Reading …
Time is my arch nemesis. Time is my finicky friend. Sometimes, I wish I could stop the passing days, temporarily freeze the ticking of the clock. Other days, I wish I could speed up the draining hours, fast forward to a new phase of life. I felt this way even before Continue Reading …
I survived. I survived one whole year without my daughter. 52 weeks. 365 days of emptiness. I feel like I’m out of words. Some days, I believe I’m out of tears. I fought this survival. I fought it tooth and nail. I didn’t want to survive one hour let alone Continue Reading …
This is a topic that has come up a couple times both in my therapy sessions and in my loss mom support group. It’s something that I’m guilty of, and I’m sure a lot of us are. It’s this strange need we have as humans to adopt an “it could Continue Reading …
Last year this day was the best and worst of your life. This is the day you entered your still motherhood. It will be a day you never, ever forget. You did it. The baby you helped grow and nurture every day of his life was born. He was perfect Continue Reading …
I never realized how much I would forever associate real estate with family until I became a Still Mother. When we were pregnant, we realized it would be best to move. To find a house with more room for toys and the boy I was carrying. We began looking at Continue Reading …
I hesitantly clicked the send button. I had just posted my first full picture of my son. Most new parents are excited to post a picture of their sleeping newborn, nestled in a cocoon of blankets. The image is often greeted with comments of, “Congratulations!” or “He’s so adorable. He’s got your eyes.” I knew that such Continue Reading …
Starting with my second birthday, as far as my memory serves, I was not a fan of aging. I was mortified by the attention, appalled with the ceremonies, and dreaded the concept of growing old. I swore off birthday cake and the whole candle blowing out event (as if that Continue Reading …
To those who think I don’t still hurt, who feel my time mourning has an expiration date … To those that feel I should be “over it by now,” “moving on,” “writing about happier things,” “feeling better,” “snapping out of it”… To those who don’t understand why I celebrate and Continue Reading …
Last year on Valentine’s Day, I was gifted by waking up with Jensen rolling around in my belly. In the evening, his father and I went to dinner and I was given beautiful flowers, a loving card, and a coloring book. We talked about how much fun it would be Continue Reading …
**This is part II of II. Read part I here. I never got to tell him goodbye. It’s been about eight months since he was born and taken into the room next to me. In the beginning, I was very hard on myself about my decision. I can remember lying Continue Reading …
The holiday momentum started in mid October. I could feel it coming on. I fantasize about all of the things Jasper may have dressed up as for Halloween, the foods he would have liked or disliked at Thanksgiving and the gifts we would have carefully picked for him for Christmas. Continue Reading …
For the first few months after losing Jensen, I wasn’t able to listen to music. It was a huge trigger since Jensen would kick and dance to every song he heard. There were so many silent days, which ended up making me feel worse. So, I started listening to it Continue Reading …
We dug the cardboard boxes out of their basement hiding places. Your aunt and I started pulling ornaments one by one out of the boxes to hang on our newly erected Christmas tree. “Oh, this is for when we moved into our house,” I recalled, holding up a house key-shaped ornament with Continue Reading …
When I found out I was pregnant, like so many other women – I signed up various baby websites. These website had various groups including “birth boards”. I was part of two groups for January 2012 Mama’s. I remember when one woman dropped out; she had experienced a miscarriage – Continue Reading …
Dear Friend, Congratulations. Please understand that I am trying to be happy for you. Please understand that I wish you and your baby nothing but the best. Please know that I love you. But, please also understand that when you just announced your pregnancy, my heart literally hurt. Please know Continue Reading …
He would have been a lion this year: curious, brave, and so cute. For his first Halloween, we would wait to have trick-or-treaters smile at him as we passed out candy on the porch. Their parents and I would exclaim how perfect each other’s kids’ costumes were. We would smile Continue Reading …
There’s something that happens to a person when they survive trauma. For me, it was like someone snapped my neck and now I’m a quadriplegic. Suddenly I had an entire new perspective on the world I never asked for. It became even darker than before. Losing my daughter was, unfortunately, Continue Reading …
I’m over half way through my graduate degree in marriage and family therapy. This is the path I’ve chosen to take as a result of losing our son. I credit my boy, Jasper, for moving me to help other people that are learning to navigate loss and the sort of Continue Reading …
I ran into you at the post office. We did that awkward shuffle thing where neither one of us really know where to go, but we got around. I asked how you were doing and I saw the horror in your face. The memories of the baby class we both Continue Reading …
Recently, my husband’s cousin asked him what it was like for us the day Alyssa died – to hold her and see her. She had seen pictures and said she was beautiful. I couldn’t agree more! But I wish I had been there to answer the question, to talk about Continue Reading …
Friends and family, I want you to know that I love when you check in on me. Just knowing you’re thinking of my angel and me can turn my whole day around. I feel your love surrounding me and am so thankful for your support, but there’s one thing I Continue Reading …
There’s something special about taking someone’s photo. In some cultures, it’s so intimate they think the camera steals your soul. My goal as a photographer has always been to capture the sparkle in someone’s eyes, the laughter behind their grin. My best work used to be from chasing people and Continue Reading …
*Editor’s Note: This post was submitted to us as a guest post. We agree with much of what is said, especially about the idea of protecting the hearts of those hurting the most. We realize this may be a controversial subject, but we proudly share ideas that need to be Continue Reading …
Someone recently asked me if there was any one thing, one most important thing, I would ask of people around the death and grief of my daughters’ deaths. I was surprised at how easily my answer came – there are so many things I could say, but this quickly arose Continue Reading …
When I was a little girl, I believed in unicorns, happily ever after’s, and that every birthday wish came true. I can remember the cake being put right in front of my face, with one more candle from the year before. Each year I didn’t think I’d be able to Continue Reading …
This is my first time writing for Still Mothers and I want to thank RaeAnne and Lisa for creating such a safe and inclusive place for women to just be with their grief without having to worry about coming across the triggers that seem to be everywhere these days. I’ve Continue Reading …
A fellow still mother recently shared on our support group about an hurtful exchange that took place at the school she works at. As the staff was discussing children’s activities for this past Mother’s Day, one of her coworker assessed that only “actively mothering” women should be celebrated on Mother’s Day. In this Continue Reading …
The number 10 has a special meaning for me and my husband. We had been married for 10 years when we finally got pregnant after numerous failed fertility treatments. Our daughter Pearl was born still at 29 weeks on April 10, 2006, and it’s now 10 years since she has left Continue Reading …
My heart is just so tired today. I am tired of grieving. I am tired of feeling incomplete. I am tired of aching empty arms. I am tired of feeling inadequate as a woman. I am tired of feeling guilty over the fact that my body betrayed me and allowed Continue Reading …
“Do you have children?” I never knew that would be such a difficult question to answer. It seems pretty basic, you have them or you don’t, right? Except, as it turns out, it’s a very complicated question. I have a son, but I don’t have him here. A little of Continue Reading …
*Editor’s Note: this post was originally published on Chloë’s blog. When I lived in cancer world, everyone was praising my strength. I was standing tall as a mountain, walking with giant stride, carrying my baby in my arms. I didn’t flicker ; I rarely cried. When asked how I was holding Continue Reading …
Dear Doctors, Nurses, and Health Professionals, First of all thank you for all that you do. The love and care that you so tirelessly put into taking care of our babies and trying to save them does not go unnoticed. You are incredible human beings who sacrifice your own families, Continue Reading …
It’s coming…I can feel it. (Insert the threatening music here). I know it’s coming, I don’t need to look at the calendar for confirmation. My moods are all over the map, I’m sensitive and feeling things deeply. I swear, the woman at the bank with a stroller – she smirked Continue Reading …
Infertility is certainly not a laughing matter but sometimes we use humor to deflect our pain and avoid crying. Since it is Infertility Awareness week, let’s see if you might be infertile in Jeff Foxworthy fashion. If you know the meaning of all these acronyms, BFP, BFN, DPO, PCOS, Continue Reading …
“Infertility is the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive” (Resolve.org). But that definition falls short of telling you what it really means to struggle with infertility so, in honor of Infertility Awareness Week (April 24th-30th), let me tell you what Continue Reading …
Often, especially in the Baby Loss community, someone will mention a living child and say the phrase “my reason for going on”. Now, logically – key word is logically – I’m aware there is no hurt or slight intended to me, as a Still Mother: A woman who does not Continue Reading …
Several months ago, I went to a baby shower. It was the first baby shower I’d been to since my daughter was born still seven months earlier. It was the first baby shower I’d been to since my baby shower nine months earlier. I survived. It was actually much better than I Continue Reading …
My dear sweet Samuel, Tomorrow is your birthday. Four years since we said hello and goodbye. Four years since our world lost its light. Four years is too long. Four years is more than I thought I would make it without you. Four years passed by in a lifetime and Continue Reading …
The daffodils bloom a few weeks before your birthday. When I see them it reminds me the end of March is coming. I give myself your day to let whatever may be – be. Sometimes I feel brave enough to weather my deeper feelings and think of who you Continue Reading …
It really is hard to explain just how hard it is to be a Still Mother. The constant triggers, the insensitivity we are frequently shown, and just how draining it is to constantly walk around every day with our emotional shields up to try to deflect some of the pain Continue Reading …
My grief rarely makes me cry and when it does, it’s never in public. My grief is more likely to be stress, weariness, and anxiety. My grief is a disability, but it’s more likely one you can’t see. My grief is setting me apart. My grief changed my identity, made me Continue Reading …
The moment Addison’s father and I decided to go our different ways I realized how hard meeting someone else was going to really be. Dating is hard to begin with but here I am, forever attached to my ex, always talking about my baby, which is his baby too. It takes Continue Reading …
Another day Another week Another month Almost a full year without you Another quiet morning at home Another lunch date for two Another sleepless night Almost a full year of silence Another pregnancy announcement Another baby shower invitation Another birth announcement Almost a full year of constant tears Another abrupt Continue Reading …
How often do you allow yourself to remember? How often do you recall those days, hours when you lost your beloved child or children? What effect does it have on you if you do so? I’m asking all these questions because sometimes I do. Something switches in me and Continue Reading …
Being at work can be a challenge as a Still Mother. I manage a small sports therapy clinic, and overseeing the ins and outs keeps me pretty occupied. Most days I can just worry about regular office stuff, but occasionally some personal trials come up within my workday, one of which still throw Continue Reading …
Today we celebrate the love we hold in our hearts for our precious children. A love that’s stronger than death; a love that never ends. On behalf of all of us here at Still Mothers, we wish you a gentle day filled with love and memories of the sweet little Continue Reading …
*Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on Chloë’s blog, here. “It is better to light a candle, than to curse the darkness.” I started to blog for two reasons : first, because I thought the love I shared with my daughter was a story worth telling. Second, because I was living in an oncology Continue Reading …
The first trip my husband and I took after Thomas died, I was very excited about. It had been a horrible 6 months of grief, sickness, recovery and the emotional roller coaster that goes along with the first year, after a loss. I packed my bag, looking forward to four days Continue Reading …
Before loading the car with the Ina Garten potatoes and the mini-ham sandwich appetizers, I found myself in tears in the bathroom. Preparing to leave for our dear friends’ home for Christmas, I just didn’t want to go. Didn’t have the energy to flat iron the hair and find an outfit, especially one Continue Reading …
*Editors Note: This post is about the author’s struggle with religion, personal beliefs, and religious platitudes after loss. If religion is a triggering subject for you, please proceed with caution, or simply skip this post. Here at Still Mothers, we know the value of spirituality/religion as a means for healing for some, and Continue Reading …
by Louise Botterill Dear Brave Mama, For some of us, chasing the (seemingly never ending) dream of having another baby after loss can be so encompassing that it interferes with the life we already have. We become so caught up in chasing the unattainable that what’s right in front of Continue Reading …
I’ve always really liked Halloween. Before I became a mother it was a fun day filled with candy, ridiculous costumes, and scary movies. I’m not sure how I feel about it this year. Then again, I’m not sure how I feel about most things. This year is drastically different than Continue Reading …
This post is part of a multi-part series regarding moving forward with life after loss and the struggles of the reintroduction to “normal life.” The focus of these posts is being prepared and coping with the things that will come as we resume our day to day lives and return Continue Reading …
A few weeks ago I finally held the print copy of my book, Invisible Mothers, in my hands, this beautiful book that I have worked so hard to write and create over the last 2 years. I was excited, nervous, giddy with anticipation, and painfully sad. I am so deeply Continue Reading …
When our twin boys, Damon and Drazan, died last May 21, my husband and I were sent reeling. And it was in this condition that we were expected to make some pretty important decisions: to bury or cremate…? Do we baptize them, or…? What kind of service should we…? It all felt Continue Reading …
I can’t believe I got rick roll’d today. You would think I would know better by know. And somehow those lyrics got to me. Never gonna give you up. As a loss mother, I have had to give up each of my babies. And now, I have had to give Continue Reading …
When you lose your baby, one of the hardest unforeseen difficulties is life after the loss. You know that deep down your life will be different and you know that things will change, but what you don’t think about right away is how it will change your relationships. At least, Continue Reading …
Editors Note: This post is about the false hope of pregnancy after loss. Ideas about pregnancy after loss are discussed by a mother with no living children. Please use caution when reading, if this is a hard topic for you. We understand that many Still Mothers are not able to Continue Reading …
By Lindsay S Each year Spring hits, the blossoms come in, and like clockwork my Pregdar goes into overdrive, and I see pregnant women EVERYWHERE! People start going outside more, Spring turns to Summer, and I start to see babies EVERYWHERE! To add to all the (blatant to me) breeding Continue Reading …
When your only child has passed away, you are left in a state of limbo. You feel suspended between here and there, lost “in between” parenthood and child-loss. Are you still a parent? Of course! Death cannot change that. But the horrible irony of being a parent without a child Continue Reading …
