On Being Too Sad To Support Me In Celebrating My Son.

“It’s just too sad. I don’t want to think about that…I can’t be around it.” I remember when I had this switch you seem to be referring to. The switch that could turn off the sympathetic hurt that I was feeling when someone else was dealing with something awful; that Continue Reading …

Therapeutic Endeavors III: The Letter

If you did not read my previous posts, Therapeutic Endeavors part I &  part II,  I’ll catch you up. Basically; I had a crappy therapist, became a therapist and then had a much better therapist. He suggested I write a letter to my son telling him all the things I Continue Reading …

Therapeutic Endeavors Part II

If you read the first part of this post last time, you already know that I had nothing but bad experiences with therapists my whole life. You also probably know (if you’ve ever read any of my posts) that this inspired me to become a therapist myself to help bereaved Continue Reading …

Therapeutic Endeavors Part I

Have I ever told you about the therapist I saw just one time after my son died? No? Let me tell you now. If I could sum it up in one word? Awful. I was hesitant about seeing a therapist at all because it was something I had to do Continue Reading …

Thanksgiving, Then and Now

Thanksgiving used to be really special to me. Not because of the history or the food, but because the fact that it was a true display of who held us most dear. Whether we were invited out somewhere or hosted dinner at our own place (this only happened once), we Continue Reading …

Representing Still Parents

A non-profit organization that I work with held their 7th annual Footprints On Our Hearts Walk To Remember the weekend of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My husband and I had never attended a walk for our son before. It was an extremely emotional but comforting experience for us. Continue Reading …

Fitting In

In my four years of this new life post the death of my son, I have never actually attended a remembrance event. Last month, the organization that I work for held a 5k remembrance event and this month, for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, we are having a remembrance walk. Continue Reading …

Unsettled

Unsettled is one word I would use to describe my life post loss. This is not how things are supposed to be for us. I know this. I should not be fighting over stupid things with my husband. I should not be moving every year. I should not have to Continue Reading …

4 Years Down, Forever To Go

I could not find the words this August; the 4th August without our son and starting of the 5th year without him. I don’t want to force the words out of me and thought instead that I should just note that the words have escaped me the same way that Continue Reading …

What Should Be

Right about now, I should be planning a bash for a 4 year old, wavy haired little boy. I should be hiding gifts and making party favors for his little friends. I should have Nick Jr. program songs in my head and know all about the many new Disney movies Continue Reading …

Perspective

Perspective is an authentic aspect of our existence. Perspective can be altered by the environment or experiences. We may work to change our perspective if we want to. Regardless, the only true view that we really ever have is our own; no matter how empathetic or sympathetic we try to Continue Reading …

Mother’s Day Was Never Mine

Mother’s Day was never mine. Well, except one time. I can remember Mother’s Day when I was younger and how important it was for me to let my mom know how much I appreciated her. She was a single mother, the only parent we had left. She sacrificed and did Continue Reading …

Adapting

Recently I was talking with a friend about how things are. Things like routines, habits, hobbies… the things that make us, us. We all have an idea that things will be different for us when we have a child. It’s called a life change for that reason. Often, life changes Continue Reading …

Birthdays

Starting with my second birthday, as far as my memory serves, I was not a fan of aging. I was mortified by the attention, appalled with the ceremonies, and dreaded the concept of growing old. I swore off birthday cake and the whole candle blowing out event (as if that Continue Reading …

New Valentine’s Day

February 16, 2013 was the day that we found out that Jasper was a boy. We were exactly 14 weeks along and that was the soonest that this high tech, 3D/4D ultrasound place would guarantee the gender on a scan. We had already booked the day, well in advance. We Continue Reading …

The New Year

The holiday momentum started in mid October. I could feel it coming on. I fantasize about all of the things Jasper may have dressed up as for Halloween, the foods he would have liked or disliked at Thanksgiving and the gifts we would have carefully picked for him for Christmas. Continue Reading …

Jasper’s Mom and Dad’s 5 Tips For Getting Through The Holiday Season

The Christmas of 2012 was our favorite and happiest Christmas to date. We had learned early in the month that we were finally expecting our first child. I was practically bed ridden with morning sickness and fatigue but I had no worries in the world. The gift theme was pretty Continue Reading …

Loss and Infertility

There has only been one constant desire in my life. As a young girl, through my teenage years and well into adulthood, I’ve wanted to be a Mother. This is not the desire for every woman and it does not have to be. It is mine, though. I wanted to Continue Reading …

Vincent

I’m over half way through my graduate degree in marriage and family therapy. This is the path I’ve chosen to take as a result of losing our son. I credit my boy, Jasper, for moving me to help other people that are learning to navigate loss and the sort of Continue Reading …

On the Pregnancy and Children of Others

When it comes to the feelings of jealousy, longing, spite and heartache that accompany a bereaved parent on their journey of grief, I am a veteran. I fight the daily battles, all while surrounded by people who not only have no understanding in regards to being childless, but certainly have no understanding Continue Reading …

The Boy in the Blue Box

Jasper would be 3 years old today, August the 22nd of 2016. As I’m writing this, I can place myself back in time to July 2013 when everything was perfect and set for our happily ever after. Jasper loved fresh vegetables. I could eat them all day long, breakfast lunch Continue Reading …

The Flowchart

One of the first things that crossed my mind after the loss of my only child was the answering of the invasive, rude and inappropriate questions people ask in passing. I had already dealt with them for a decade but in a much different way than I was about to Continue Reading …

After

welcometostillmothers

I often think about a time one night nearing the end of our pregnancy, while lying next to my husband. I can not recall a happier time in our lives. Finally, after years and years and years of struggling with infertility, we had overcome the barriers and conceived our perfect Continue Reading …