You would never think they are comparable, but they are.
Who has it worse? Everyone loves to play this game. If asked, everyone would say cancer. Before my infertility journey, I would have agreed 100 percent. But now I don’t. I don’t think one is worse. I think they both suck. I think both journeys are unfair and life-changing.
I have never had cancer, and knock on wood, I hope to never experience it first-hand. I have witnessed others go through it and know it is totally horrendous. But you see, with cancer, there is a team of doctors who surround you. They make a plan, they have skills and knowledge to share. There is a whole department devoted to cancer. There is money set aside for research into a cure. There are places to go and stay for important treatment, rest and recuperation. There is a month when people proudly wear a pink ribbon. There is daffodil day. If your chemo causes you to lose your hair, it is a symbol for others to know what you are going through. People inquire after you endlessly. People will text on your behalf to let others know how you are doing.
The cancer journey sucks, but it is full of hope and promise, even if it sometimes ends in death. If anyone reading this has lost someone to cancer, please know that I am deeply sorry for your loss. It’s not fair and it’s not easy.
But when I compare cancer to infertility, I can’t help but be jealous.
For those with infertility, it is an invisible battle. Nine times out of ten there are no answers to infertility. There is no research fund, donations don’t pour in. There is no treatment plan, no skill or knowledge to share. No departments or doctors to fight for us. There is no place to rest and recuperate, to heal or be with fellow sufferers. Infertility is whispered about behind closed doors, behind people’s backs. There is no visible symbol for the world to see. Nobody asks how you are and you definitely do not volunteer. It is so secretive and people hope they will never be like you.
Cancer is often treatable. Infertility is often not.
Cancer often has an end date. Infertility is often forever
Cancer sufferers aren’t often blamed for their cancer. Infertility is often blamed on something a woman has done, either intentionally or not.
Cancer doesn’t have triggers in everyday life that cause you to catch your breath. Infertility is all about negotiating triggers. Every single day. A few examples are infants, pregnant women, birthdays, supermarket shopping, playgrounds, clothing stories, personal questions, and anniversaries.
Cancer makes you physically sick, emotionally broken, and mentally exhausted. So does infertility.
The list of comparables could go on, but it all comes back to, who has it worse? The answer is neither.
Both suck and are unfair.
No one ever wishes for ether. No one wants to see someone they love suffer. But maybe both could be treated with equal compassion and empathy. No one chooses to have these experiences.
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Steph is a mother to 7 angels; all died before the end of the first trimester with no reasons known. Steph writes to share her journey with others, and to make sense of her feelings and identity in a world that celebrates family, and to support other bereaved mothers through their grief.
- Infertility vs Cancer - April 19, 2021
- Loss is Not a Dirty Word - December 7, 2020
- What I Wish I Could Tell the Non-Loss Community - November 17, 2020