Losing our babies changes everything in life for us. We lose not just our babies, but the future we had envisioned with them. We lose our sense of identity as a parent, and so much more. Some of these changes, called secondary losses, are just so unexpected, though, like when our favorite hobbies turn on us, causing us as much (or more) pain than they do pleasure.
I love nature documentaries but there are some days that the constant focus on moms and babies becomes more than I can bear. Eventually, every show about animals has to turn to a focus on pregnancy and adorable babies. Tonight I had to change the channel from a documentary all about eggs; I just couldn’t take all the egg and sperm references without constantly being reminded of my defective eggs and serial killer uterus. Some days I can power through. Some days you just gotta change the channel and that’s okay.
I hesitate before buying collectibles or special editions of books because I can’t escape the nagging thought that there is no point in buying nice things when there is no one to inherit them. But isn’t my enjoyment of it now enough reason to justify the purchase? Some days I just need to buy the book or collectible so I can enjoy it, without regard to what will happen to it when I die.
I have long enjoyed Tudor history; the courtly manners and court intrigues, the drama, people being raised up and then abruptly brought down. The time period is fascinating but is so very painful to read as it is filled with stories of loss and infertility.
Catherine of Aragon was abandoned by Henry the 8th not because he fell in love with Anne Boleyn but because none of her sons survived and he thought he needed a son to inherit the throne. Anne Boleyn, in turn, was abandoned, and executed, because of her failure to bear a living son to inherit. History has thrown up red herrings with false adultery accusations or her just being too argumentative for a wife but it was all about her failure to deliver on her promise to give Henry a legitimate son and heir.
I eagerly read new books about the time period but so much pain lies in these stories. History mentions the loss and how it affected the intrigues and factions of the court. How each loss weakened a queen’s position and power in the court. But history doesn’t record the pain and devastation each woman faced losing her child. These queens were women and mothers, with normal maternal love. Each time I read about one of them having a miscarriage or a baby born still and I inwardly break for them. Granted it was a harsher time but they were surrounded by people who only cared how this tragedy affected their own position and goals. There was no open mourning. They were told to forget and try to conceive again as soon as possible. Their feelings were irrelevant.
But I can’t bring myself to stop reading new books as they come out. I know they will cause me pain. Sometimes I change the channel to avoid the trigger. Sometimes I buy the book and lean into the pain. Sometimes I indulge myself with the special edition as a Christmas present, because I deserve it. The point is to do what is right for you in that moment.
- The Ornament - December 7, 2021
- Hobbies That Turn On Us - December 17, 2019
- The Devil Doesn’t Need More Advocates - December 3, 2019