I went a co-worker’s wedding a few weeks ago. It was more of a work obligation than a social one, but I felt I had to go and, unfortunately, my husband wasn’t able to come with me. The only thing worse than being alone at a wedding, is being a Still Mother alone at a wedding and having a co-worker sit next to you with her adorable baby.
It was tough. I honestly couldn’t even say anything to her for a few minutes. Gradually, I forced myself to make some polite non-baby related conversation. Baby was passed around but, fortunately, the co-worker across the table from me ended up holding him until he went to sleep so I didn’t have to deal with how to politely decline to hold him.
It helped he was a boy (my last loss was a girl). It helped that he was less than a year old. Since my last loss was five years old, it is the toddlers and early school age kids that can trigger me the worst, though a crying baby still feels like a punch to the gut. By the end of the night, I actually began to see him as an individual, not just a baby, so then I was able to actually smile at the chubby cheeks.
To many people, that would be a very small victory. And maybe it is. To me, though, it actually felt huge that I was able to not let that ruin my night and to even find a little happiness in his cheerful presence. But even if it is just a small accomplishment, it needs to be celebrated. We need to look for and celebrate these small victories as we learn to incorporate our grief and love into our lives.
When our losses first happen, simply breathing can be a small victory. Hollywood got it half right in Sleepless In Seattle when Sam, talking about how he would cope with the grief of losing his wife, said,
“I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out… and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.”
I don’t think we can ever stop thinking about how we get had it great, for a while. But we need to look for those victories. So, if today you breathed in and out, it is a small victory. If you got out of bed, it is a small victory. If you changed out of your pajamas into real clothes, it is a small victory.
If today you only cried for five minutes in the shower, rather than half an hour, celebrate that small victory. If you saw a baby bump on social media and didn’t let it make you cry, celebrate that victory. If you saw that baby bump on social media and immediately grief/comfort ate a candy bar, celebrate the victory that you didn’t eat two candy bars and half a cake.
If you went went out to eat and asked the hostess for a different table, so you wouldn’t be seated next to a crying baby, celebrate that victory of standing up for yourself. If you still heard that baby crying during dinner but held your tears in until after you left the restaurant, celebrate that victory.
If you made it through that family dinner with Great Aunt Maude, who just will not shut up about her 5 bajillion grandchildren, and you didn’t slap anyone, celebrate that victory of self-control.
If you decided to go to that baby shower for your loss friend who is now expecting again, celebrate that huge victory. And if you declined that baby shower invite because you are practicing some needed self-care, then that is just as much a victory to be celebrated.
Over time, our small victories will change. But we need to continue look for them so we can see how far we have come, appreciate how resilient we are, and see how our love, and grief, for our child remains with us. Life changes and we change with it but the love and grief will remain part of us.
So look for those victories Still Mother. Because you are handling this so much better than you know or give yourself credit for.
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Well said, Maureen. I don’t celebrate those small victories nearly enough. Thank you for sharing these comforting words.
Thank you Heidi; I am so glad it was helpful to you. <3