April 14th will mark the 20th loss anniversary of my son Kendall. Twenty years of tears and joys, losses and loves, hopes and dreams shattered and others birthed into fruition. If anyone had dared tell me I would be peaceful with the approaching of this anniversary I would have been so angry with them for not understanding how devastated I was by his loss. I would have felt strongly that the depth of my grief, and expression of it, was directly connected to the depth of my love for him. Yet, time, focus, faith, healing work and spirituality have taught me that no grief, no matter how deep and soul-crushing, can ever equate to the depth of love I felt and feel for Kendall.
As the Mom of an angel, I do not get to give gifts on holidays. I have on certain significant anniversary years donated gifts/items to agencies that provide support to children as a way to honor Kendall’s memory, but it is not the same. It was one of the things I resented most early on in my grief. I felt cheated and left out. I hated that I had this connection with this spirit but no one to outwardly celebrate. Then as time moved forward I began to realize that my role as Kendall’s Mom was not going to be about giving anything. It was going to be about receiving. This realization came as I opened myself up to the gifts I had been given through my grief journey. Kendall’s Dad and I gave him an all too brief life, yet he is the one that has given me more than I ever could have asked for or even understood I would need or connect with.
So, this year, as a way to honor Kendall I will share the greatest gifts he gave me. As a writer I imagine a creative list of 20 gifts but do not want to feel internally forced to create a list, so I will share from my heart and see where we end up. The greatest gifts Kendall gave me are:
~ a deep connection to a higher power
~ a bond like no other I could have imagined
~ a truer knowing of how deeply I am loved by my Mom (even though I was already clear I was loved amazingly)
~ a softer heart
~ ability to be a more supportive friend
~ levels of compassion for others that nothing else taught me
~ willingness to live as true to myself as I can
~ willingness and ability to choose healing work that has given even more gifts
~ a sacred value of all babies and children
~ freedom from the unhealthy cycle I was in with his Dad
~ endless questions that lead me to explore and find deep answers
~ opportunity to be an Aunt to the 2 greatest kids ever, without needing to balance being a Mom and an Aunt
~ a shattered heart that I could create a mosaic with what I choose to gather and heal
~ a drive to live up to who he must have believed I was when he chose me to be his Mommy
~ my first ever feeling a true femininity & expression of that wonderful aspect of myself
~ clear understanding of the sacred nature of connecting sexually with a man and a consciousness to choose wisely
~ ability & willingness to cry whenever and wherever I am without shame or fear
~ willingness & ability to encourage others as they travel their grief journeys
~ desire to advocate for freedom of expression of grief for myself and others
As I write this list I am reminded of how simple and clear it has become to me that Kendall, who is a gift in and of himself, has also given me most of the greatest gifts I have ever received. About 2 years prior to getting pregnant with Kendall, I wrote a list of life dreams in a journal. #1 on the list was “Be a Mommy”. Kendall gave me that gift, not in the way I imagined or pictured. And not in the way I would have chosen it back then. But in the way that best fit what he needed and who I was and am becoming. The greatest sorrow of my life came when I learned Kendall’s heart no longer was beating. And yet from that moment amazing gifts have come hand in hand with the tears.
- Sharing My Truth - August 27, 2019
- Giving Back - April 1, 2019
- One Day, It Will Feel Safe To Begin To Peek Out & Explore - February 18, 2019