When you lose a baby no one ever tells you how completely and utterly alone you feel once you come out of hospital. I think this feeling for me was more profound than any other when my little boy died when I was 20 weeks pregnant. I had spent those 20 weeks knowing I would not be alone ever again, once the baby was born he would be my whole world and I would be his; how suddenly that ended. My husband and I left the hospital in a tailspin, handing our son off to the midwife pleading with her to look after him, knowing he also would be alone on a cold hospital slab.
No one can ever describe how that feeling instantly changes you. No one prepares you for the loneliness that follows. People around you tell you they are sorry, they are there for you, if you ever need to talk, etc., etc., but rarely do they actually mean it, or if they do, they quickly move on which is understandable, of course. You learn pretty quickly which people are your true friends; those you expect to support you end up disappointing you and those who you never expected fill your day with supportive calls and texts.
I was 25 when Noah died and I had no clue there was a cascade of support waiting for me from other bereaved parents. The months that followed were such a blur and I was so naive about grief and loss, listening to people who never lost a child tell me that I should move on, get back to work. I remember I just wanted to scream at people to really look at me and see I wasn’t coping very well. The only person who truly understood was my husband.
Life just became switched on autopilot, days become weeks, weeks become months. I thought I could never fill that empty feeling ever again. Then I found out I was pregnant and the loneliness eased; I now had this other life to worry about and he became my main focus. Then, just as quickly, I was lonely again. Nevan died when I was 21 weeks pregnant. This time I knew I would never allow myself to fall into the same trap as before. I reached out to people online, I joined support groups, and I talked about my two boys to anyone and everyone who would listen. I went to a bereavement counselor as I knew I needed to focus on myself and the grief that was now ever building and consuming me.
It took me 18 months and the loss of two children to realise that I was not the only loss mother out there; when I found that community they became like a new family, a family that could truly relate to everything I was feeling. I relied on them on days I felt sad, days I felt happy and days when I could not face the thought of ever getting out of bed again. I thank them truly for the months that followed after Nevan died. I learnt you are never truly alone as long as you can reach out. I know many families still feel the taboo of baby loss, and they hide their true feelings to make others “comfortable”. I beg those who know someone who has lost a child no matter the circumstances and no matter how far along they were in their pregnancy, reach out, support them not just in the days that follow but in the weeks and months.
I have since lost another baby, a little girl Everley-Rose; I was 22 weeks pregnant with her. When she was born I promised her I would try my best to help those families who still feel alone and isolated. We never get over the loss, EVER. So if you are reading this and you have lost a baby and feel alone please seek out a support network around you, so many people want to help and support you. If there are none around you, join groups online; I promise you, you will never feel alone again.
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Paula Lorey is 29 years old and lives with her husband James and their two cats Tilly & Dougal in Ireland. Their first son Noah died in 2014, their second son Nevan died in 2015 and their daughter Everley-Rose died in 2017. Paula now blogs to support other grieving families, she draws from her own experience of the loss of her children and her experience with anxiety, postnatal depression and loss through her job as a psychiatric nurse. If you wish to follow her blog, it is called my3littlestars. You can find her on Facebook and Instagram also.
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