Losing our babies changes everything in life for us. We lose not just our babies, but the future we had envisioned with them. We lose our sense of identity as a parent, and so much more. Some of these changes, called secondary losses, are just so unexpected, though, like when Continue Reading …
By Deborah Hansen In the months, and even years, after the moment those dreaded words were spoken, “I am so sorry, there is no heartbeat”. (And, yes, it took the doctor multiple tries for me to understand my baby was dead.) We wonder, ask and even beg for “normalcy” to Continue Reading …
Growing up, I assumed that parenthood was a given; you grew up, got married and had kids. The college you went to, the job you had, the person you married, those were all choices but becoming a parent was an automatic part of life. Ah, the innocence of childhood. Life Continue Reading …
As a single Mom of an angel son, who also chose not to have other children, many have met me at different stages of my life and do not know about the journey I have with Kendall, nor the love I will always carry for, and with, him. Some of Continue Reading …
It’s that time of year again, where my Facebook memories from 2012 cryptically allude to my pregnancy. We hadn’t announced, yet – soon, but reading back I’m well aware what time it was. Why I had so many appointments, why I was so very tired. When grief was fresh and Continue Reading …
I am a Still Mother. That much is infinitely true. But, this is only one aspect of my existence and my story. While it is a part of who I am, and will forever be, it is not all of me. It’s taken me some time to build up the Continue Reading …
There are so many things that losing a baby steals from a Mom. We lose innocence, optimism, fulfilled dreams, hope, maybe faith and some really important relationships. It sucks. It hurts. It feels like it may swallow us whole. But when we are open to it, it can give us Continue Reading …
Sometimes, I find myself reading posts from Moms that are at the very beginning of their loss journey and my heart aches for them. The pangs of deepest agony that ring throughout their words can easily bring me back to those very moments myself. I wish there were magic words Continue Reading …
Happy Holidays! Such a simple wish, seemingly full of joy and comfort. Yet, for those who are missing a baby or child during this season, it is full of many things but often neither joy nor comfort. I remember many years, at the beginning of this journey, when the holiday Continue Reading …
By Crystal Barber As you grow up, there are always topics of conversation that seem to take place with every new person you meet. It starts in childhood: “What’s your name?”, “How old are you?”…and so on. Once school age you are asked about your interests; such as, favorite color, Continue Reading …
I was 28 when I was surprised by the news I was pregnant. I was taken back by the news but I was also excited about being a Mom. Regardless of circumstances this little life growing inside of me was a gift and I was able to commit and become Continue Reading …
That horrible night in the ER twenty years ago was the loneliest I have ever been. My heart was breaking, part of me wanted it to simply stop beating all together, but although grateful it did not, it was aching with grief. I went to the ER alone, as I Continue Reading …
Today is my sweet daughter Celia’s birthday. She would be two years old. I have been struggling with the fact that this anniversary seems to be even more difficult than the 1st. I have been sleeping 12 or more hours a day, binging on sweets, and feeling lonelier than ever. Continue Reading …
By Sue Dagg I have a secret; one that I would actually prefer for others to know. This secret echoes inside my mind every time I meet someone new, or see someone from my distant past. Sometimes the voice in my mind whispers, and other times it bellows. Throughout the Continue Reading …
So, here we are again, approaching Mother’s Day as we do every year. Until I lost Kendall 20 years ago, I had no idea there were people who hated this day. I loved having a special day to celebrate my Mom and my Gramma. I was blessed in that way, Continue Reading …
by Brittany Sherlock Two years ago my life changed forever. Two years ago my daughter was born sleeping. Two years ago I held my beautiful perfect angel for the first and last time. Two years ago I counted her fingers and toes and snuggled her close to me and breathed Continue Reading …
At 11.50PM, September 6th 2017, I gave birth to death. My first son was stillborn at 36 week gestation and – as every mother would say – he was by far the most beautiful, perfectly adorable baby I have ever laid eyes on. He had my nose and cute little Continue Reading …
I’m reclaiming my daughter’s birth. When I went into labour at 23+4 weeks, I was scared and sad. I’d been on strict bed rest almost two weeks since my membranes ruptured and we had moved from ‘no hope’ to ‘some hope’ in that time. But in the moment I realised Continue Reading …
If you did not read my previous posts, Therapeutic Endeavors part I & part II, I’ll catch you up. Basically; I had a crappy therapist, became a therapist and then had a much better therapist. He suggested I write a letter to my son telling him all the things I Continue Reading …
If you read the first part of this post last time, you already know that I had nothing but bad experiences with therapists my whole life. You also probably know (if you’ve ever read any of my posts) that this inspired me to become a therapist myself to help bereaved Continue Reading …
Have I ever told you about the therapist I saw just one time after my son died? No? Let me tell you now. If I could sum it up in one word? Awful. I was hesitant about seeing a therapist at all because it was something I had to do Continue Reading …
When I was early in the grief process, I read an amazing post, over at Still Standing, by the equally amazing Angela Miller. It was titled “Why you Didn’t Fail as a Mother” and it changed how I grieved. I book marked it. I re-read it. When it came out Continue Reading …
Grieving the loss of your baby is a very, very lonely road. It is long. It is slow. It is isolating. At the beginning you cry endlessly, you are in complete despair. This is what people expect. It makes sense to them. The funeral is the pinnacle of this public expression of grief Continue Reading …
I am sure for many, the idea of being a Childless Mother, is an oxymoron. For, if one does not have a child, she is not a Mother. Prior to 1998, I too, would have thought this way. Yet my life, and that of far too many others, reflect that Continue Reading …
I’ve always thought of myself as a genuine and empathetic person. In fact, I still find that to be true. However, after the loss of my daughter something shifted in me and while I don’t like it, I haven’t got to the point where I can control or change it, Continue Reading …
Today was All Saints Day at my church. The day is meant to commemorate the souls of our dearly departed. We were asked to recall people who we considered saints in our own lives and how their actions impacted us. We were also encouraged to think of our own legacy Continue Reading …
Thanksgiving used to be really special to me. Not because of the history or the food, but because the fact that it was a true display of who held us most dear. Whether we were invited out somewhere or hosted dinner at our own place (this only happened once), we Continue Reading …
Tonight I am feeling so angry. I am furious with the world and with God and with all the events that led to my girl being taken from me. I am supposed to be at a work function right now, but I took myself away because the last thing I Continue Reading …
There are many things I struggled with after losing my daughter and in all honesty, every day still brings its own struggles. While I feel as though I’m through the storm, the battle is not over. The battle will never truly be over and I’m okay with that because moving Continue Reading …
I am a mother, however, because my son passed away when he was 2 weeks old, I don’t fit in with all of the other, “normal” moms. You know, the lucky ones whose children are still living. I am a mother like no other. It’s a shame, because we have Continue Reading …
Today is my son’s first birthday. For a first-time mother, that seems like a strange thing to say. With each passing year, our own age shows that we are getting older. That we have more experiences and more life behind us than the year before. Then we have children, and Continue Reading …
2016 was the year of loss for me. After losing my daughter, I also faced the loss of my relationship with her father. All of that on its own was extremely tough to work through, but then I faced something incredibly confusing and daunting– dating. Except, this wasn’t only dating- Continue Reading …
A non-profit organization that I work with held their 7th annual Footprints On Our Hearts Walk To Remember the weekend of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My husband and I had never attended a walk for our son before. It was an extremely emotional but comforting experience for us. Continue Reading …
In my four years of this new life post the death of my son, I have never actually attended a remembrance event. Last month, the organization that I work for held a 5k remembrance event and this month, for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, we are having a remembrance walk. Continue Reading …
Losing a baby is one of a few instances one can go through in life that truly draws a trench in their timeline. Life is no longer fluid. It is the before and the after. But the after is not at all what you had in mind and were preparing Continue Reading …
Today, my daughter told me she loves me. She wrapped herself around me and was warm to the touch. I stroked my fingers through the length of her hair. We sat together in silence. Her breath grazing across my face. I closed my eyes and for the first time she Continue Reading …
There are many struggles that arise from being a still mother, this is no secret. But besides the guilt, the longing, the emptiness and the feelings of “what if”, I frequently face the struggle of feeling like a “less-than” mom. What exactly is a “less-than” mom, most would ask. Well, Continue Reading …
Losing a baby or being unable to conceive one is traumatic for both mind and body. Most women blame their bodies in some way, because it feels like something that should be within our control. Carrying a baby is natural, right? I mean, it’s arguably what the female body is Continue Reading …
Recently, I was part of a conversation where I felt like I had been invalidated – dismissed. We were discussing our concerns over a colleague’s spouse, and it was said, “well, she has her children”. I just sat there, blinking. Everyone seemed to truly believe our mutual friend would only Continue Reading …
Here I sit, reflecting on this day last month; another Independence Day come and gone. The 4th of July was very surreal for us last year. Elijah had been laid to rest on June 30th. Just days later, we found ourselves sitting in a park that coincidentally overlooks the same Continue Reading …
“Everything happens for a reason”. Bet you’ve heard that one too many times? In fact, when you’ve lost your child, one time is too many. There can surely be no decent reason that any parent should be without their child. Nor can you expect to see or find the dreaded Continue Reading …
I am a HUGE believer in signs. I have also always believed that “everything happens for a reason”… although in Gemma’s case, I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that there was a reason for her passing. True, her passing gave her relief from living in the NICU Continue Reading …
My Precious Angel, I have always prided myself on my ability to remember little details, even when in traumatic situations. On Sunday June 12th, 2016, I remember waking up in the hospital that morning so angry, because I wasn’t brought breakfast like I was supposed to have, and I didn’t Continue Reading …
I get it. I really do. Working in healthcare has given me a brand new insight to what it’s like to watch people you care for in pain. Suffering, hurting, in gut wrenching agony… and all you want to do is make it stop for them. Hearing the cries and Continue Reading …
Sending all my love to the mother who wakes up with tears in her eyes on Mother’s Day. To the mother who will receive minimal acknowledgment of her motherhood on the very day dedicated to her. Today is a hard day. Sending all my love to the mother who has Continue Reading …
What makes a mother, well, a mother? A mother… Prepares for her child’s arrival. Bonds with her child. Dreams about her child’s future. Hopes to give her child the very best she can. Protects her child. Worries about her child. Speaks her child’s name freely. Tells others about her child. Continue Reading …
Recently, I was asked what makes me, me. Who am I? I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a cousin and a niece. I am a lifelong learner. I am a college graduate. I am a homeowner. I am substitute teacher. I am a role model. I Continue Reading …
I remember my first Mother’s Day; I was pregnant and I had a delicious secret growing inside me. Only a few people knew… but I had that happy, secret smile. I bought myself a foot soak, at a health store, thinking next year would be my first “real” Mother’s Day. Continue Reading …
A few weeks ago, I shared this post about the project I’d envisioned for honoring our motherhood as loss mamas. You see, this time of year is really hard for mothers like us. Mothers who hold our precious children in our hearts, instead of our arms. All the talk about “Mother’s Continue Reading …
As we approach Mother’s Day, my third as a loss mom, I feel ready, willing and able to tell you a beautiful story that I carry in my heart….A story about a girl named Jimmie. You see, when we found out we were pregnant, my husband Brent and I had Continue Reading …
You know, a lot of times loss mothers feel excluded from the world of motherhood because our mothering looks different than “traditional” mothering. I know I struggle with this, and many other Still Mothers do, as well. It’s hard to feel like a mother when your child is missing from Continue Reading …
I hesitantly clicked the send button. I had just posted my first full picture of my son. Most new parents are excited to post a picture of their sleeping newborn, nestled in a cocoon of blankets. The image is often greeted with comments of, “Congratulations!” or “He’s so adorable. He’s got your eyes.” I knew that such Continue Reading …
Recently I was talking with a friend about how things are. Things like routines, habits, hobbies… the things that make us, us. We all have an idea that things will be different for us when we have a child. It’s called a life change for that reason. Often, life changes Continue Reading …
As a mother, I’m constantly putting other people’s needs before mine. If someone needs me to come over and help, I drop whatever I’m doing to make sure they’re all set. When I get a text that a person needs support as I’m crying my eyes out, I dry my Continue Reading …
We’ve all had that moment; you tell someone that you don’t have living children and you hear “I completely understand, we lost our first one, too”. You feel an instant connection — finally, someone else who gets it! — but then they tell you how they have had more kids, Continue Reading …
Dear William, As I write this, I listen to the sound of wind chimes outside my door. I like to believe that your spirit is in the wind, causing the melodic tinkling that bursts forth from the chimes. By rippling through the chimes, you let me know that you are close. As I lay awake Continue Reading …
I didn’t hold my son. When I found out his heart had stopped beating, I couldn’t think straight. Honestly, I didn’t believe the doctor when he told me. This didn’t happen to people in this century, especially at thirty-eight weeks. We had made it through the safe periods, it couldn’t Continue Reading …
As I write this, we’ve entered the seventh month without our baby girl. Most days I look around and don’t recognize how I got here. I no longer spend hours crumpled up on the floor or thrown on the bed shaking, soaked in sweat and tears. Yet I would be Continue Reading …
To the nurse that said “Congratulations” I think about you a lot. The story of my daughters life doesn’t start out like a lot of pregnancy stories. It wasn’t one of those sweet times in a couples lives where they decided to have children and within a couple of months Continue Reading …
There has only been one constant desire in my life. As a young girl, through my teenage years and well into adulthood, I’ve wanted to be a Mother. This is not the desire for every woman and it does not have to be. It is mine, though. I wanted to Continue Reading …
There’s something that happens to a person when they survive trauma. For me, it was like someone snapped my neck and now I’m a quadriplegic. Suddenly I had an entire new perspective on the world I never asked for. It became even darker than before. Losing my daughter was, unfortunately, Continue Reading …
Maybe you wanted a perfectly natural water birth with limited pain medication, and instead you had to face the disappointment of having medical intervention and giving birth in a bed…Please take a moment to imagine the extent of the disappointment of saying goodbye to all your hopes and dreams for Continue Reading …
I ran into you at the post office. We did that awkward shuffle thing where neither one of us really know where to go, but we got around. I asked how you were doing and I saw the horror in your face. The memories of the baby class we both Continue Reading …
It’s been four years. I should have a four year old. I should be cleaning stickers off the windows. I should have a car seat with cheerios, goldfish crackers and enough dropped food to last us a week. I should have play dates and prepping for preschool; although, I was pushing Continue Reading …
Recently, my husband’s cousin asked him what it was like for us the day Alyssa died – to hold her and see her. She had seen pictures and said she was beautiful. I couldn’t agree more! But I wish I had been there to answer the question, to talk about Continue Reading …
One of the first things that crossed my mind after the loss of my only child was the answering of the invasive, rude and inappropriate questions people ask in passing. I had already dealt with them for a decade but in a much different way than I was about to Continue Reading …
First published on my blog. *Editor’s Note: Living child mentioned and shown (a family friend). I kept her alive. Of course it took the both of us to make her, that afternoon in his small student room, and from that moment he was always there, and he always loved her. Continue Reading …
Several times a day I run my fingers over the ink in the crook of my arm. Shortly after my twins were born too young to survive in the world, I took the footprints from the hospital and had them tattooed on my arm. Their feet would’ve rested here when Continue Reading …
A fellow still mother recently shared on our support group about an hurtful exchange that took place at the school she works at. As the staff was discussing children’s activities for this past Mother’s Day, one of her coworker assessed that only “actively mothering” women should be celebrated on Mother’s Day. In this Continue Reading …
Sitting over tea in a dimly lit coffee shop she asks, “How often do you think of them?” I shift my eyes to notice how many moms and babies are in the bustling shop. “Every day,” I respond. “How?” she asks. “I wonder how different our lives would be. I Continue Reading …
There is a trending tag in social media right now, #thisismotherhood. This tag is usually accompanied by photos of mothers with their children, and statuses describing one or many of the difficulties that comes with being a mother. While I think this is a great movement, I can’t help but Continue Reading …
One year ago, on May 10th, Still Mother’s went live. Our vision for a place to support all loss mothers with no living children came into being. Many months of hard work – writing, planning, creating, and designing – all came together in a lovely way, and we began on a Continue Reading …
It has been seven years since I became a mother, and I have done every kind of Mothers day. From the devastated, to denying the day exists, to the keeping it together for the other moms around me, back to denial, and everything in between. This year is different – I Continue Reading …
It’s coming…I can feel it. (Insert the threatening music here). I know it’s coming, I don’t need to look at the calendar for confirmation. My moods are all over the map, I’m sensitive and feeling things deeply. I swear, the woman at the bank with a stroller – she smirked Continue Reading …
I am sad today. It’s my son Finley’s fourth birthday today, and he’s not here to celebrate. He’s not here to enjoy a birthday party. I don’t want fake Facebook birthday parties every year that celebrate a little boy who isn’t here, but is loved by so many. I want Continue Reading …
The moment Addison’s father and I decided to go our different ways I realized how hard meeting someone else was going to really be. Dating is hard to begin with but here I am, forever attached to my ex, always talking about my baby, which is his baby too. It takes Continue Reading …
Today we celebrate the love we hold in our hearts for our precious children. A love that’s stronger than death; a love that never ends. On behalf of all of us here at Still Mothers, we wish you a gentle day filled with love and memories of the sweet little Continue Reading …
I have been seeing more memorial posts on Facebook lately inviting loss parents to share their children’s names. While I love that these children are being recognized, I feel a little awkward and almost guilty when I skip over those posts and don’t respond personally. Maybe some of you with Continue Reading …
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Maya Angelou Last month should have been the 18th birthday for my oldest daughter; a big part of me can’t really believe my first loss was that long ago. How is it possible that she should have been Continue Reading …
New Year’s is one of my favorite holidays. I love the sense of a fresh start, the chance to review the good and the bad of the previous year and consider what I want to create in the next year. Even though I know it’s an arbitrary date on a Continue Reading …
You are my first thought in the morning. You are my very last thought before I fall asleep. You are the light along this dim path. You are the one who taught me the meaning of true love. You are everything that is right in the world. You are Continue Reading …
Dear Invisible Mother, You are a beautiful mother. It takes bravery and courage and profound love to mother a child you cannot see or hold or touch. You are strong. Whether you feel strong or not, you are. Even when you are on your knees in tears. Even when you Continue Reading …
I feel like I have written variations of these words hundreds of times over the last few years; too many times I have typed them to online friends who have just lost their child in pregnancy or stillbirth. I strive to find the right words to comfort the newly bereaved, Continue Reading …
Dear Cyrus, Today marks 2 years since I’ve seen your sweet face. Two years that we’ve been separated by time and space. To say that I miss you is understatement. You are missing from me. And yet somehow you are a part of me. You are in every breath I Continue Reading …
by Lisa Hand There’s a special day that should have been our son’s birthday. It was his due date. But he passed at 28 weeks in utero in April 2014. So technically we already survived his first birthday in heaven but this date is still hitting me hard. I have another little Continue Reading …
She is not a memory. She is not a sad story. She is not “just a baby”. She is a real person. She is my daughter. When you speak about her, remember I value her above all other humans. I would have done anything to keep her with me. And Continue Reading …
I’m not sure when it happened. I spent so many years living with the terrible ache and grief accompanied by the thought, “How can I still be here, alive and breathing, while my baby is dead?” It was a question that rippled through my life causing waves of grief and Continue Reading …
Most of our closest friends have three kids. Three! Three seems to be the new 2.5 kids in our culture. We love those big families of five even if sometimes we look at each on our way to the childless quiet of our home and say to one another, “Man, three kids! Continue Reading …
There is comfort to be found in things, when memories are so volatile, fleeting, unattainable. My daughter lived for eleven months, yet it sometimes feels like a dream, and left me wondering whether it really happened. I can’t remember her unique smell, the facial expressions that were hers only, the Continue Reading …
by Angie Every day is a struggle for loss mothers. And it seems the majority of these women are comforted by the loving support of their partners. Others are in the unique position of losing their child and having no partner to share their experience with. I am one of those women. Continue Reading …
by Sarah Townend “Are you a mummy?” An elderly patient at work the other day. Somehow the question cut deeper than “do you have children?” Yes, I am a mummy, I thought, but how can I tell you? How can I possibly say to you that yes, I am a mummy Continue Reading …
Losing you tore my world apart. Your death laid bare a desolate landscape on which I lay for years, fighting to breath in the broken, painful place called life after loss. My sweet baby girl, losing you was hell on earth. I would still choose you. Your life with me Continue Reading …
How do I even begin to explain to those around me how it feels to be a Mother whose only baby died? I’m not sure where to start. Sometimes, it’s so hard to put my feelings into writing. To experience them is much different than to communicate them. I’m going Continue Reading …
by Lori Davis I vividly remember going home that morning. A few hours earlier we found out we would never carry our little girl into her nursery, at least not in the way we had always imagined. We returned home for a few hours to “collect” ourselves. Truthfully, there was Continue Reading …
By Éva Zsák Having lost my baby boy one of the “encouraging” lines I often received was ‘It happens to so many other women, it’s not unusual. You’ll get over it.’ For me, thus, the message to understand was that to lose your child is not infrequent, therefore, you should not take Continue Reading …
I am sitting on my couch looking at what seems like a mess on my ottoman. It isn’t really a mess, exactly. It’s just unfinished. A couple months ago, a dear friend invited me to a very special event for bereaved mothers – we were making memory boxes together. It Continue Reading …
by Leigh Kendall I started 2014 as an excited expectant mother: now I am a survivor of a rare, life-threatening illness, and an empty-armed mother. My heart is broken, my hopes dashed, my dreams destroyed. At the beginning of 2014 I was pregnant with my long-awaited first baby, who was due Continue Reading …
We all know that the death of a child is hard. There’s no question about that. The thought of a baby dying is one of the most tragic things imaginable, one of the most tragic things that can happen to happen to a person, no matter which way it’s spun. “I can’t Continue Reading …
By Carol Jacobson “Are you trying again?” That question! I’m not meaning to be rude, but I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to ask if Bill and I are “trying again”. It’s a deeply personal question that now comes with so many emotions tied so tightly to it. On one Continue Reading …
It’s been just over 18 months since my sweet baby girl Hannah passed away. She is my first and only child. It’s been a painful journey and I’ve learned so much. I know I have so much more to learn, but I only wish I didn’t have a reason to. Continue Reading …
