So, here we are again, approaching Mother’s Day as we do every year. Until I lost Kendall 20 years ago, I had no idea there were people who hated this day. I loved having a special day to celebrate my Mom and my Gramma. I was blessed in that way, still am with my Mom. Kendall’s loss took that from me. I dreaded my first one, and have yet to find complete joy in any single one since.
Not only is Mother’s Day a day to celebrate Mother’s, it is a day to honor and celebrate the women in our lives who mother our children. And, my child never took a breath outside my body and so the world does not always see my motherhood. So on a day that honors what most cannot see, I am left adrift, alone as a Mom of an angel and even more so as a single Mom, whose son’s father checked out long ago.
So, no child to say “Thanks and I love you Mom” and no partner to say “Thanks for loving our son”. I do not fit into the Mother’s Day Brunch celebrating crowd, nor do I find comfort in the childless crowd. I actually do not “find” comfort, I create it. I have not always created it consciously, yet I have managed with time and effort to orchestrate a familiar place. That place for me to honor myself and be open when others share support for my unique form of motherhood. Yet, I long for a space where all of me can be seen, heard and cherished.
I feel isolated some times and left out most of the time. As I write this, I am a bit taken back by how powerful it is to speak that. Sitting here, I am acutely aware of the deep internal space that feels slightly off kilter and unbalanced. I am unsure where I fit in. As a Mom and as a woman, I am unsure where my journey with Kendall allows me to settle and feel at home. Even when those who love and understand me and my connection with Kendall, I know they can reach out and support me, yet they return to a space where they fit. Some with their children, some with their partner and some with both. I do not fit anywhere.
It is a Me, Myself and I kind of journey that feels equally empowering and lonely. The lack of awareness about how adrift that has made me allowed me to navigate losing Kendall exactly how I wanted. I was free to do what I needed without fear of losing my partner. Yet, this also meant I did not have a safe space to intimately share my grief. As I heal, I am aware that this is something I missed out on and something I currently miss.
I have a partner now, he is wonderful and kind and loves me. He understands that this loss has helped shape who I am and he loves me as I navigate anniversaries and difficult days. Yet, I am still unsure how to share it all because it shakes me sometimes still, and when I get wiggly and wobbly, I desperately need somewhere that I fit and can simply rest in that belonging. So far, all of the healing and the peace have brought me closer to belonging yet not quite there.
So, I continue to heal and work on me. I honor the space in my heart and life that Kendall exists and I am opening to the sense of belonging I so deeply crave. While doing what I can to see that need as a hopeful one and not one that makes me weak or needy. It is both a process and gift. As Mother’s Day approaches the feelings of need and isolation rear their heads and remind me I may not fit or belong where I hoped to but I have space and people in which I do, and that is an amazing gift.
- Sharing My Truth - August 27, 2019
- Giving Back - April 1, 2019
- One Day, It Will Feel Safe To Begin To Peek Out & Explore - February 18, 2019