The last two years have been tumultuous, full of change, growth, steps forward, and steps back. A divorce. Two moves. A new home with a fresh start; a place to make my own. And even a glimpse of a future with some happiness, contentment, and maybe even budding romance. I Continue Reading …
Those early grief days were some of the hardest days of my life. I say that as a survivor of child abuse. I say that as a suicide survivor. I say that as a survivor of multiple miscarriages. I say that as a mother who gave birth to a perfect Continue Reading …
By Amii Whelan “I think they should let those with children go home early for Christmas, it’s hard for those of us with young kids”, “I’m going to work right up to Christmas this year to let those with kids have time so when I have kids someone can do Continue Reading …
Losing our babies changes everything in life for us. We lose not just our babies, but the future we had envisioned with them. We lose our sense of identity as a parent, and so much more. Some of these changes, called secondary losses, are just so unexpected, though, like when Continue Reading …
As a single Mom of an angel son, who also chose not to have other children, many have met me at different stages of my life and do not know about the journey I have with Kendall, nor the love I will always carry for, and with, him. Some of Continue Reading …
There are so many things that losing a baby steals from a Mom. We lose innocence, optimism, fulfilled dreams, hope, maybe faith and some really important relationships. It sucks. It hurts. It feels like it may swallow us whole. But when we are open to it, it can give us Continue Reading …
Sometimes, I find myself reading posts from Moms that are at the very beginning of their loss journey and my heart aches for them. The pangs of deepest agony that ring throughout their words can easily bring me back to those very moments myself. I wish there were magic words Continue Reading …
Happy Holidays! Such a simple wish, seemingly full of joy and comfort. Yet, for those who are missing a baby or child during this season, it is full of many things but often neither joy nor comfort. I remember many years, at the beginning of this journey, when the holiday Continue Reading …
By Brooke Long Just last weekend, while driving home from seeing my two amazing godchildren, I heard the new song “Life Changes” by Thomas Rhett for the first time. A country girl at heart, I’ve always enjoyed his music… but something about this song struck a chord in me that Continue Reading …
So, here we are again, approaching Mother’s Day as we do every year. Until I lost Kendall 20 years ago, I had no idea there were people who hated this day. I loved having a special day to celebrate my Mom and my Gramma. I was blessed in that way, Continue Reading …
If you did not read my previous posts, Therapeutic Endeavors part I & part II, I’ll catch you up. Basically; I had a crappy therapist, became a therapist and then had a much better therapist. He suggested I write a letter to my son telling him all the things I Continue Reading …
Recently, I found a box of old pictures – always an interesting and terrifying worm hole to jump down. These were pictures from high school – prom, birthdays, last day of school etc. What startled me is how very different the girl in the picture’s face was and it wasn’t Continue Reading …
When I was early in the grief process, I read an amazing post, over at Still Standing, by the equally amazing Angela Miller. It was titled “Why you Didn’t Fail as a Mother” and it changed how I grieved. I book marked it. I re-read it. When it came out Continue Reading …
Do you ever feel frustrated or resentful when you hear people complaining about their kids? Like when your friend vents about how little sleep she’s getting with her newborn waking through the night, or when your sister-in-law gripes to you about her pregnancy symptoms… or your co-worker complains about how Continue Reading …
A non-profit organization that I work with held their 7th annual Footprints On Our Hearts Walk To Remember the weekend of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My husband and I had never attended a walk for our son before. It was an extremely emotional but comforting experience for us. Continue Reading …
I recently got home from a long weekend away at Faith’s Lodge. I had expected that a weekend away with my husband in a beautiful, peaceful environment would be a fulfilling experience for us, but I didn’t anticipate that it would be as meaningful as it ended up being. On Continue Reading …
Unsettled is one word I would use to describe my life post loss. This is not how things are supposed to be for us. I know this. I should not be fighting over stupid things with my husband. I should not be moving every year. I should not have to Continue Reading …
There are so many things about my daughters’ lives, my sweet babies who both died before birth, that I simply don’t remember. It pains me to admit that. So many loss moms talk about due dates and “angelversaries” and the day they found out they were pregnant and dates of Continue Reading …
Usually I am okay and can function daily with no issues. But since becoming a loss mom I have realized that there are always going to be unexpected reminders of that loss. I have realized that I will be reminded of losing my daughter daily from things that should remind Continue Reading …
Every year we always say “New Year New Me”. That usually entails working out, setting goals, and dreaming about what this year will bring. But being a loss mom a New Year for me means a whole lot less. It means living another year childless. Living another year wishing I Continue Reading …
The relief. The utter relief of feeling joy. It can happen again. Sure, it was brief. But it was there. For the first time in more than three months, I felt okay. My heart stopped aching temporarily. I felt almost high on joy. It had been so long. Sure, I Continue Reading …
There’s something that happens to a person when they survive trauma. For me, it was like someone snapped my neck and now I’m a quadriplegic. Suddenly I had an entire new perspective on the world I never asked for. It became even darker than before. Losing my daughter was, unfortunately, Continue Reading …
I’ve seen us on Facebook. There are a few of us out there who, for whatever reason, were not present to greet our babies. The mothers who didn’t get to say Hello, or Goodbye. I gave birth while in a medicated coma. Thomas entered the world and I was not there Continue Reading …
There’s something special about taking someone’s photo. In some cultures, it’s so intimate they think the camera steals your soul. My goal as a photographer has always been to capture the sparkle in someone’s eyes, the laughter behind their grin. My best work used to be from chasing people and Continue Reading …
Editor’s Note: This post references the idea of wanting another child after loss. Please read with caution, if this is a triggering subject for you. “To not be in the story of how it should have been but to live in deep acceptance of how it is. The only time Continue Reading …
Stillness. I never realized there would be so much stillness. My husband and I were always introverts but this was a far different atmosphere than we were used to. After years of trying-and failing-to have a family we were tens of thousands of dollars in debt and surrounded by stillness. Continue Reading …
I’ve been pretty quiet lately. I keep sitting down to write and coming up blank on what to write about – and to be honest, feeling a little guilty. Why guilty? Because, overall, things are going well. I feel pretty good most days. Happy. Purposeful. Challenged by new experiences. Grateful Continue Reading …
As I continue on my journey of learning to live my life without my son, a family, and totally alone I have found tremendous comfort in art. I learned basic painting techniques while I attended AAU when I went back for my degree. Little did I know then how helpful Continue Reading …
“If it weren’t for my older son/daughter, I don’t think I could survive.” “Without my living children, I don’t think I would have found anything worth living for.” “If I hadn’t had my rainbow baby, I don’t know if I could have found hope again.” “I just don’t know if Continue Reading …
It has been seven years since I became a mother, and I have done every kind of Mothers day. From the devastated, to denying the day exists, to the keeping it together for the other moms around me, back to denial, and everything in between. This year is different – I Continue Reading …
*Editors Note: This guest post offers one mother’s perspective on healing and finding peace after loss. It may be triggering for some. If the concept of “choosing healing/happiness/peace” is upsetting to you, please read with caution, or simply skip this post. ~ “There is only one way to learn It’s Continue Reading …
New Year’s is one of my favorite holidays. I love the sense of a fresh start, the chance to review the good and the bad of the previous year and consider what I want to create in the next year. Even though I know it’s an arbitrary date on a Continue Reading …
I know who I was then, and I remember who I wanted to become. We would have children; one for sure, and maybe more. We would be a family, make family memories and share what we knew, make sure our children felt loved. All that was before. Before the crisis, the Continue Reading …
It’s been nine long months since I said hello and goodbye to Elliot. It’s been nine long months since I last heard her heartbeat. It’s been nine long months since I thought I was bringing home my healthy, full term baby. I’ve had nine months to prepare for today, my first Christmas Continue Reading …
by Louise Botterill Dear Brave Mama, For some of us, chasing the (seemingly never ending) dream of having another baby after loss can be so encompassing that it interferes with the life we already have. We become so caught up in chasing the unattainable that what’s right in front of Continue Reading …
When you lose your beloved child, finding purpose is one of the most difficult tasks you must face, in my opinion. When you lose your child, no matter when or how, your life suddenly becomes meaningless and purposeless. For a certain period of time your whole life comes to a halt. Continue Reading …
When our twin boys, Damon and Drazan, died last May 21, my husband and I were sent reeling. And it was in this condition that we were expected to make some pretty important decisions: to bury or cremate…? Do we baptize them, or…? What kind of service should we…? It all felt Continue Reading …
My child died, now what? The first few weeks after my son died, I had absolutely no idea what to do. My whole life was turned upside down. The whole summer that I thought I would be on maternity leave, breastfeeding, taking Micah on walks, going to visit Daddy at Continue Reading …
When I was younger, I never thought about having kids. I thought about my career and getting married someday, about where I wanted to live and the difference I wanted to make in the world, about the places I wanted to see and the experiences I wanted to have. Having Continue Reading …
Editor’s note: Still Mothers and Still Fathers come from all backgrounds, belief-systems, and faiths. We support all families living childless after loss, regardless of personal beliefs. We know there are many paths to healing, and religion can be one. This post shares one of our Still Father’s specific belief system. Continue Reading …
For several years after my first daughter died, every time I looked in the mirror it was like looking at a stranger. I would look at my reflection and think, “I don’t know you. Who are you?” Even now, twelve years Grace’s stillbirth, I still occasionally look at my reflection Continue Reading …
“To keep false hopes is to prolong misery.” – Amy Tan Please stop telling me it will happen. Honestly, I don’t want YOUR hope. I know that’s all you’re trying to give me, but I just don’t want it. It’s not because I don’t want more biological children, but they Continue Reading …
By Lindsey S On March 30, 2009, aged 26, I lost my identity and future. My son Desmond was full term stillborn for no ascertainable reason after a textbook pregnancy, or so the medical report tells me. It took years to get to a point of accepting there would be Continue Reading …
I am continually surprised at just when and how the effects of grief and loss suddenly pop up and knock me off my feet, even after so many years of living with it. A simple rear-ending. Someone got distracted and hit me from behind. Well, my third hit from behind Continue Reading …
One of my biggest obstacles since losing my son a year ago is the feelings of jealousy. I’m jealous of women who are pregnant, because they are excited about the future and have a precious miracle growing inside them. I’m jealous of women who aren’t ready to try for children Continue Reading …
I am guilty. I’m guilty of judging every woman who’s pregnant with ease. I’m guilty of holding my niece and wishing she was mine. I’m guilty of avoiding baby showers and birthday parties. I’m guilty of glaring at swollen bellies with hatred. I’m guilty of staring at babies around her age – Continue Reading …
If my daughter had lived, she would be 12 years old. She would be dealing with the challenges of middle school girls, heading fast into her teenage years, figuring out who she is as a young person, and, if she was anything like her mother, determined to do everything her Continue Reading …
I didn’t think anything of it when the text message popped up last week. It was from a friend that I hadn’t spoken to in a while. “Hey. I wanted to say thanks for reaching out to me last week.” While I was on vacation, I drove past a place that Continue Reading …
I am broken. You are broken. We are broken. Some of us…some of us are shattered. Some are so shattered that every time we exhale all we can do is watch the dust of ourselves blow away. As much as we try and grasp at that dust, try to catch Continue Reading …
When I found out I was pregnant, it was as if my entire life started to revolve around my son, Micah. I worried about him constantly (even before I knew he was a “him”). When I drove, I thought about Micah. When I sneezed, would it hurt Micah? Every time Continue Reading …
As Still Mothers, RaeAnne and I are painfully aware of how difficult life can be without our beloved children. We know that life feels incredibly empty a lot of the time, and that it is hard to find meaning when our motherhood – a very large part of the identities Continue Reading …
Welcome to Still Mothers, We are proud to bring this resource to you on behalf of all the mothers who feel lost and left behind in a community of families, because their only child(ren) has died.
