Time and time again I hear about expectations regarding grieving parents. We hear about how they “should” or “shouldn’t” act, what they “should” or “shouldn’t” do, what they “should” or “shouldn’t” talk about. One valuable life lesson I’ve learned is that expectations can choke the life out of even the Continue Reading …
Unsettled is one word I would use to describe my life post loss. This is not how things are supposed to be for us. I know this. I should not be fighting over stupid things with my husband. I should not be moving every year. I should not have to Continue Reading …
It’s your first baby so it’s all a bit alien to you. You listen to everyone’s advice and do everything you’re supposed to do: you stop smoking, you stop drinking, you start taking folic-acid. They constantly tell you not to worry and that you’re doing great. You go to classes, Continue Reading …
August was a hard month for my family and me. I actively dreaded it. I tried to brace myself for it, since it does arrive every damn year; but no matter how much I prepare, there are always a few sucker punches it throws my way. It was in August Continue Reading …
Today, my daughter told me she loves me. She wrapped herself around me and was warm to the touch. I stroked my fingers through the length of her hair. We sat together in silence. Her breath grazing across my face. I closed my eyes and for the first time she Continue Reading …
After having five miscarriages, there are a lot of dates on the calendar to dread. There are loss anniversaries, due dates that didn’t come to be, real holidays and greeting card holidays that can all make me feel like I am drowning in grief again. But August, though it has Continue Reading …
So many people have told me “you’re so strong.” Sometimes I want to punch them, but most of the time I just shrug and tell them that I don’t have any other choice. My husband repeatedly tells me that I do, in fact, have a choice. I could choose to Continue Reading …
There are many struggles that arise from being a still mother, this is no secret. But besides the guilt, the longing, the emptiness and the feelings of “what if”, I frequently face the struggle of feeling like a “less-than” mom. What exactly is a “less-than” mom, most would ask. Well, Continue Reading …
A letter to the old, pregnant me from my new grieving, loving, emotional self: Dear Kelly, I know you are consumed with worry right now. You are afraid this pregnancy will turn out like the first when you did not come home carrying a child in your arms. Instead you Continue Reading …
It’s a question that I ask myself quite a bit. It seems that I have changed so much in such a short span of time. It’s been 5 months since our son, Brady, passed away at 2 weeks old. In some ways, it still feels like it happened yesterday. And Continue Reading …
Still Mother. Two words I never thought would ever be used to describe me. One day, you’re living your life, preparing for arguably the most exciting and life-changing milestone and then, death steps in. I can’t speak for others who have suffered a loss similar to mine, because the fact Continue Reading …
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. If someone would have told me to make a list of all of the possible scenarios of how my life would have unfolded, I couldn’t have imagined this in my wildest thoughts. Trying for 10 years to get pregnant. Being told by Continue Reading …
“At least you can get pregnant.” “Everything happens for a reason.” “God has a plan for you.” I have heard these phrases more times than I can count. The words are uttered by well-intentioned people, but pierce my scarred heart as sharp as a knife’s blade every time they are Continue Reading …
Grief is such an isolating and traumatizing experience, in and of itself, never mind when the source of grief is the loss of a baby. It has been a bit over nineteen years for me and I can recall every single detail from that horrific night in the emergency room. Continue Reading …
It has been almost nine months since you were born. October 27, 2016. I wish we could take one of those “nine month” pictures. The kind where I hold you roughly where you hung out in my belly, and then we put it next to the very last picture of Continue Reading …
Dear Loss Moms With Living Children, I still have days where I can be very bitter. Today is one of those days. As loss parents, we have the common denominator that is losing a child. Some have lost more than one. Losing a child alone is awful; gut wrenching even. Continue Reading …
One of the first (and best) pieces of advice I heard after losing my son, Jonah, at 30 weeks, was from another bereaved mother in a Facebook group: she told me to be gentle with myself. Now, I see and hear this advice everywhere, and I even say it to Continue Reading …
This will not be an easy post for me to write because it will require me to reveal some of my darkest pain. I wanted to write it to help others who are experiencing the same issues. What do you think of when you think of the word trigger? Most Continue Reading …
Right about now, I should be planning a bash for a 4 year old, wavy haired little boy. I should be hiding gifts and making party favors for his little friends. I should have Nick Jr. program songs in my head and know all about the many new Disney movies Continue Reading …
Is it just me or has there been a complete barrage of pregnancy announcements lately? Good Lord, it’s like no one had anything better to do in February or March! Before we get into the thick of things, this post comes with a couple caveats: I’m not completely side-eyeing the Continue Reading …
Perspective is an authentic aspect of our existence. Perspective can be altered by the environment or experiences. We may work to change our perspective if we want to. Regardless, the only true view that we really ever have is our own; no matter how empathetic or sympathetic we try to Continue Reading …
It doesn’t happen very often anymore. That surge of anger and rage that punches through me out of nowhere. That fierce explosion of fury at the utter unfairness of it all. My babies are dead. My babies who shouldn’t be babies anymore. My life, filled with that unspoken, indescribable emptiness that Continue Reading …
I survived. I survived one whole year without my daughter. 52 weeks. 365 days of emptiness. I feel like I’m out of words. Some days, I believe I’m out of tears. I fought this survival. I fought it tooth and nail. I didn’t want to survive one hour let alone Continue Reading …
I get it. I really do. Working in healthcare has given me a brand new insight to what it’s like to watch people you care for in pain. Suffering, hurting, in gut wrenching agony… and all you want to do is make it stop for them. Hearing the cries and Continue Reading …
Mother’s Day was never mine. Well, except one time. I can remember Mother’s Day when I was younger and how important it was for me to let my mom know how much I appreciated her. She was a single mother, the only parent we had left. She sacrificed and did Continue Reading …
As we approach Mother’s Day, my third as a loss mom, I feel ready, willing and able to tell you a beautiful story that I carry in my heart….A story about a girl named Jimmie. You see, when we found out we were pregnant, my husband Brent and I had Continue Reading …
I hesitantly clicked the send button. I had just posted my first full picture of my son. Most new parents are excited to post a picture of their sleeping newborn, nestled in a cocoon of blankets. The image is often greeted with comments of, “Congratulations!” or “He’s so adorable. He’s got your eyes.” I knew that such Continue Reading …
Lately, everything I look at is blurred, doubled, and unclear. I put off scheduling an eye exam for a while because I just wasn’t prepared to deal with any more bad news in my life. But when I finally couldn’t take it any more, I tried to get an exam Continue Reading …
Recently I was talking with a friend about how things are. Things like routines, habits, hobbies… the things that make us, us. We all have an idea that things will be different for us when we have a child. It’s called a life change for that reason. Often, life changes Continue Reading …
There are so many things about my daughters’ lives, my sweet babies who both died before birth, that I simply don’t remember. It pains me to admit that. So many loss moms talk about due dates and “angelversaries” and the day they found out they were pregnant and dates of Continue Reading …
We’ve all had that moment; you tell someone that you don’t have living children and you hear “I completely understand, we lost our first one, too”. You feel an instant connection — finally, someone else who gets it! — but then they tell you how they have had more kids, Continue Reading …
To those who think I don’t still hurt, who feel my time mourning has an expiration date … To those that feel I should be “over it by now,” “moving on,” “writing about happier things,” “feeling better,” “snapping out of it”… To those who don’t understand why I celebrate and Continue Reading …
There are some days when I just feel so trapped. I’m stuck here in this life, not really wanting to live, but unable to find a way out. There are days when I just don’t know how to deal with the pain. I feel like I should be able to Continue Reading …
Usually I am okay and can function daily with no issues. But since becoming a loss mom I have realized that there are always going to be unexpected reminders of that loss. I have realized that I will be reminded of losing my daughter daily from things that should remind Continue Reading …
February 16, 2013 was the day that we found out that Jasper was a boy. We were exactly 14 weeks along and that was the soonest that this high tech, 3D/4D ultrasound place would guarantee the gender on a scan. We had already booked the day, well in advance. We Continue Reading …
I have always avoided amusement parks. All the spinning and rising and falling rides made me anxious just looking at them. I had no desire to get on-board. A few times I allowed myself to be talked into it and every time I regretted it. I hated the anticipation on Continue Reading …
Five years old..it keeps running through my head..five years old, we should have had a five year old. Should have…changes the sentence in such a horrific way. I should be thinking about kindergarten – public or private? I should be planning for your party – you were due on January Continue Reading …
Your children make me sad. It’s not your fault. It’s not mine. It’s no one’s, really. It’s just the truth, and, as they say, the truth can hurt. I don’t mean for it to –truly — but the reality is, seeing your child smiling and running and playing and hugging Continue Reading …
Two years ago, I met a woman at a bereaved moms retreat. She was beautiful and beaming, a soothed soul, the kind of women that grief didn’t make sour. She said she didn’t want the daughter she lost during birth to be linked with anything negative; on the contrary, she wanted Continue Reading …
If there is anything that I’ve learned from this walk with grief it is how puny words can be. Countless times I’ve found myself muttering, “I don’t know how else to describe it” or “That’s not the right word, it feels bigger than that.” Sometimes silence is the only thing Continue Reading …
Editor’s Note: this Guest Post contains the author’s personal opinions about religion. Please read with caution, if this is a triggering subject for you. To my son: I know your dad doesn’t like it when I apologize, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I did anything to cause your death. Continue Reading …
I didn’t hold my son. When I found out his heart had stopped beating, I couldn’t think straight. Honestly, I didn’t believe the doctor when he told me. This didn’t happen to people in this century, especially at thirty-eight weeks. We had made it through the safe periods, it couldn’t Continue Reading …
I remember hearing stories and rumors of a friend’s friend who lost a baby a few years ago. She was devastated and didn’t know what to do. She was depressed for months and didn’t talk to anyone. On the same note, no one talked to her either because they didn’t Continue Reading …
“New normal” It’s a term that has come up quite often during my pregnancy loss journey. The first time I heard the term used was when I spoke to another pregnancy loss mom who told me life may seem dark now, but I will soon learn to adjust to my Continue Reading …
The holiday momentum started in mid October. I could feel it coming on. I fantasize about all of the things Jasper may have dressed up as for Halloween, the foods he would have liked or disliked at Thanksgiving and the gifts we would have carefully picked for him for Christmas. Continue Reading …
As we grow from children into adulthood we begin to choose the different roads we will go down. Some may choose straight, constructive paths, while others choose winding paths of self-destruction. And as we gain our independence, we feel that we have control of the paths we choose to take. Continue Reading …
As I write this, we’ve entered the seventh month without our baby girl. Most days I look around and don’t recognize how I got here. I no longer spend hours crumpled up on the floor or thrown on the bed shaking, soaked in sweat and tears. Yet I would be Continue Reading …
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. I was full of emotions. I was 21, and honestly I didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. I was terrified, nervous, but also blissfully happy and excited. The feelings I experienced when I Continue Reading …
This time last year, I was six months pregnant and celebrating my first Christmas as a Mom. Every ounce of me bubbling over with anticipation at the prospect of all the future family traditions and whimsical Christmas mornings we would experience with our little girl. The holidays had taken on Continue Reading …
Today is Christmas Eve. Once, it used to be one of my favourite days of the year, now it’s one of the most dreaded ones. I can still recall the hopes, dreams, lights and the magic which used to surround the whole day and evening. Until six years ago, that Continue Reading …
For the first few months after losing Jensen, I wasn’t able to listen to music. It was a huge trigger since Jensen would kick and dance to every song he heard. There were so many silent days, which ended up making me feel worse. So, I started listening to it Continue Reading …
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…right? Most definitely not. Not when your child has died. Just thinking about Christmas is giving me severe anxiety. Like to the point that I am shaking and sweating and feel like I am going to pass out. Christmas used to be my favorite Continue Reading …
Dear World, Please stop telling me that my baby died for a reason. I know you mean well but there is absolutely no reason that is good enough for my baby not being here. Yes I will learn from this, yes some good will come out of this, but are Continue Reading …
This time of year has unexpectedly been very hard for me. I never anticipated how much my heart would throb in anticipation of the holiday season. I’m in a much different place this year than I expected to be. Last October, I found out I was pregnant for the second Continue Reading …
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting in this chair. All sense of time has been lost to me. My mind keeps flashing to him and how big he would be right now. I see him crawling on the floor and looking back at me, like he needs permission Continue Reading …
The Christmas of 2012 was our favorite and happiest Christmas to date. We had learned early in the month that we were finally expecting our first child. I was practically bed ridden with morning sickness and fatigue but I had no worries in the world. The gift theme was pretty Continue Reading …
It’s here, again: the red, green, silver and gold. The twinkling lights and distant sound of bells. It’s here. The holidays have once again overtaken the earth. And this year, it all seems so obscurely out of reach. Just beyond the horizon. That thing called “happiness”. The children had their Continue Reading …
There’s a widely accepted story about why today is called Black Friday. A hundred or so years ago, bookkeepers would keep track of losses in red ink and profits in black. Throughout most of the year, the books would be filled with red, until the day after Thanksgiving. As people Continue Reading …
Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone and this year I struggled. With every “Happy Thanksgiving!” text, note or wishes, my face would go blank and I would type or say the appropriate response. However, in my head? In my head I was wondering what there was to be happy OR Continue Reading …
I wish… …I got to bring my baby home. …that there weren’t so many unanswered questions. …I didn’t know this excruciating suffering. I wish… …I didn’t have to see the sympathetic gazes and hear the unintentionally painful platitudes. …I didn’t have to pretend to be “okay.” …I had my confidence Continue Reading …
I used to have a little girl. The fairest of them all. A cuddler, a fighter, everything I had hoped for. I used to be a mother, to carry her, to feed her, to change her diapers. I was the moon to her sun, and never away from her. But Continue Reading …
The due date: At one time, it was considered a much anticipated day of new life. That is how it was supposed to be, but it’s not how it is for everyone. Instead, it has become a day of lament because my daughter was born still at 23 weeks. If Continue Reading …
I see her. The one walking down the isle at the grocery store. The girl who looks to be about my age. She’s the one with a shopping cart full of brightly colored packages of party plates and decorations, diapers and wipes for days, a single helium balloon hovers over her Continue Reading …
Dear Friend, Congratulations. Please understand that I am trying to be happy for you. Please understand that I wish you and your baby nothing but the best. Please know that I love you. But, please also understand that when you just announced your pregnancy, my heart literally hurt. Please know Continue Reading …
There has only been one constant desire in my life. As a young girl, through my teenage years and well into adulthood, I’ve wanted to be a Mother. This is not the desire for every woman and it does not have to be. It is mine, though. I wanted to Continue Reading …
Maybe you wanted a perfectly natural water birth with limited pain medication, and instead you had to face the disappointment of having medical intervention and giving birth in a bed…Please take a moment to imagine the extent of the disappointment of saying goodbye to all your hopes and dreams for Continue Reading …
I’m over half way through my graduate degree in marriage and family therapy. This is the path I’ve chosen to take as a result of losing our son. I credit my boy, Jasper, for moving me to help other people that are learning to navigate loss and the sort of Continue Reading …
I keep trying to write about receiving support after the death of our precious babies – how to ask for it, how to accept it, and the difficulties of both. Instead, I find myself crying and the words get jumbled up in my head. If I had any Achilles Heel Continue Reading …
I have always been a person who loves to learn. I was a nerdy child who looked forward to the first day of school with eager anticipation. Although anxious about who was going to be in my classes, I also always looked forward to a year of new experiences and Continue Reading …
I’ve seen us on Facebook. There are a few of us out there who, for whatever reason, were not present to greet our babies. The mothers who didn’t get to say Hello, or Goodbye. I gave birth while in a medicated coma. Thomas entered the world and I was not there Continue Reading …
There is enough struggle in grief without having expectations on where you “should be”. The idea we need to be “happier”, “better”, “to move on” or – at times – to be sadder does not support us in our grief, but rather brings up feelings of guilt and shame. You Continue Reading …
There’s a cedar hope chest sitting in our bedroom. It’s placed safely at the foot of the bed. A stranger walking by could cast it off merely as a decorative note in our home. They might take notice how carefully crafted it is, simple and elegant in its design, or Continue Reading …
It’s been four years. I should have a four year old. I should be cleaning stickers off the windows. I should have a car seat with cheerios, goldfish crackers and enough dropped food to last us a week. I should have play dates and prepping for preschool; although, I was pushing Continue Reading …
I don’t know what she looks like, but I see her everywhere. I see her darting in and out among the kids off to school. I see her in the nighttime, tucked away in bed. I see her beside me in the car – some days quiet, too annoyed to Continue Reading …
In the wee small hours of the morning, if you listen closely, you can hear it. Silence. Silence, when there should be a baby crying for a 2 am feeding. Silence, when my husband and I should be debating whose turn it is to get up. Silence, when I should hear sweet Continue Reading …
Recently, my husband’s cousin asked him what it was like for us the day Alyssa died – to hold her and see her. She had seen pictures and said she was beautiful. I couldn’t agree more! But I wish I had been there to answer the question, to talk about Continue Reading …
When it comes to the feelings of jealousy, longing, spite and heartache that accompany a bereaved parent on their journey of grief, I am a veteran. I fight the daily battles, all while surrounded by people who not only have no understanding in regards to being childless, but certainly have no understanding Continue Reading …
When you have a baby that doesn’t come home from the hospital you end up with a lot of unneeded stuff. Depending on the scenario, you may have had a nursery all prepped and ready. You likely stocked up on the necessities and received generous gifts from your family and Continue Reading …
Friends and family, I want you to know that I love when you check in on me. Just knowing you’re thinking of my angel and me can turn my whole day around. I feel your love surrounding me and am so thankful for your support, but there’s one thing I Continue Reading …
There’s something special about taking someone’s photo. In some cultures, it’s so intimate they think the camera steals your soul. My goal as a photographer has always been to capture the sparkle in someone’s eyes, the laughter behind their grin. My best work used to be from chasing people and Continue Reading …
*Editor’s Note: This post was submitted to us as a guest post. We agree with much of what is said, especially about the idea of protecting the hearts of those hurting the most. We realize this may be a controversial subject, but we proudly share ideas that need to be Continue Reading …
“At least you can get pregnant.” The words were said to me on the very day that I lost my son, William. I was still in the hospital, looking out the window at the bleak, dreary world that became ever so much colder that day. I know that the statement Continue Reading …
This September my 6-year old goddaughter is starting school. She will attend a specific sports program, with training and lots of activities, I believe. Her mother kept me well informed about the preparation process, the selection of the proper school, gathering information, the entrance exam, and, now, the final steps Continue Reading …
Since losing Jensen almost four months ago, I’ve become a completely different mother than I ever planned. One lesson I’ve learned is nothing will ever be the same. Most days it’s hard to get out of bed. The days where I do feel a little bit of strength, I push myself, Continue Reading …
One question we get asked a lot here at Still Mothers is some form of “How do I handle pregnancies and living children after my only child died?” I would love to sit down and write out the perfect response to this question, because I know how confusing it can Continue Reading …
“How are you doing?” The question is usually asked casually. The ones who really mean it say, “No, really, how are you doing?” My response has become, “Not bad.” It’s never “good” anymore. Because I’m not good. I’m not sure I will ever be good. But I’m also not bad. Continue Reading …
Jasper would be 3 years old today, August the 22nd of 2016. As I’m writing this, I can place myself back in time to July 2013 when everything was perfect and set for our happily ever after. Jasper loved fresh vegetables. I could eat them all day long, breakfast lunch Continue Reading …
Yesterday I read an article about child loss, written by a psychologist. It was important that she wrote about the topic, yet, when I finished reading it I was left with a bad taste in my mouth. Among other things she mentioned that if you get support from your family Continue Reading …
Dear Friend, I bet you probably think of me now as the “crazy person” who lost her baby. You know, waking up every day to the fact that my child is dead actually does make makes me feel crazy, but really, it’s just normal grief. I know you can’t understand, but Continue Reading …
When I was a little girl, I believed in unicorns, happily ever after’s, and that every birthday wish came true. I can remember the cake being put right in front of my face, with one more candle from the year before. Each year I didn’t think I’d be able to Continue Reading …
Dear Alyssa, The other day I went to the support group and I saw a little red robin playing in the sprinkler. Was that you? I felt that you were following me and giving me a sign. I never really see signs here at home outside, but whenever I go Continue Reading …
Dear God, You and I — we’re not on the best of terms right now. Our relationship is not over. I am just finding it really hard to talk to you. Is it because I’m angry with you? Maybe. Is it because I no longer trust you? Quite possibly. Is Continue Reading …
Grief is usually described in two ways: a crazy line graph or the waves of an ocean. At first I tended to relate more to the scribbled mess of the the graph. It was black and white, had the path going everywhere, and there was always an endpoint. I used Continue Reading …
NPR recently aired a segment about the lifestyle choices that increase humans’ life expectancy. The biggest factor was the quality of a person’s relationships and how connected they felt to others. When my son died the connections I had in my life were no longer enough. I found myself constantly Continue Reading …
As Still Mothers, we never know when grief will come knocking and demand our attention. It’s usually not expected Usually not invited Usually not a good time. Yet, when grief shows up, acknowledging it is a way of honoring our children. So, we give it a moment. To resonate in Continue Reading …
Several times a day I run my fingers over the ink in the crook of my arm. Shortly after my twins were born too young to survive in the world, I took the footprints from the hospital and had them tattooed on my arm. Their feet would’ve rested here when Continue Reading …
Hope can spring from the strangest places; like a former Concentration Camp. The day of my visit to Auschwitz marked eleven moths and fourteen days since my son, Jack, was born, and eleven months and fifteen days since he died in my arms. It was 7 weeks to the day Continue Reading …
There seems to be some misunderstanding in the general populace that we, as grieving parents, are only still grieving because of our inability or unwillingness to accept reality. To them, us accepting reality would mean that we would move on from our grief, go back to being the person we Continue Reading …
When we lost Thomas, I knew we had suffered an enormous loss. A loss that I cannot adequately describe in the English language. I didn’t yet know that we would never be the same, that life would never be the same. Things are forever divided, in my mind and heart, Continue Reading …
My bedside table overflows with books on grief and baby loss, tissues, and cold tea from the night before. They each comfort me before I have the task of making myself fall asleep. As I walk over to my boyfriend’s side of the bed, I’m surprised to see what’s on Continue Reading …
