I used to go on walks at the park with a mommy friend of mine. We’d stroll with our babies strapped to our chests and catch up on each others lives. Talk about the hard parts of being a mom, and the amazing parts, too. She’d talk about what her Continue Reading …
As I continue on my journey of learning to live my life without my son, a family, and totally alone I have found tremendous comfort in art. I learned basic painting techniques while I attended AAU when I went back for my degree. Little did I know then how helpful Continue Reading …
I often think about a time one night nearing the end of our pregnancy, while lying next to my husband. I can not recall a happier time in our lives. Finally, after years and years and years of struggling with infertility, we had overcome the barriers and conceived our perfect Continue Reading …
My heart is just so tired today. I am tired of grieving. I am tired of feeling incomplete. I am tired of aching empty arms. I am tired of feeling inadequate as a woman. I am tired of feeling guilty over the fact that my body betrayed me and allowed Continue Reading …
It’s been six years. Six, long years without you, this week. How is it possible to live without your physical presence in my life? You are there in each and every moment, but I miss you. So very much. This last one has been a hard month, I have been Continue Reading …
“The heart isn’t beating.” I said it to the doctor, sure. I wasn’t asking a question, but I wanted to be. “I haven’t gotten there yet,” he said back to me. He was measuring the head. He was checking out the placenta. When I said it he immediately shifted his Continue Reading …
Sitting over tea in a dimly lit coffee shop she asks, “How often do you think of them?” I shift my eyes to notice how many moms and babies are in the bustling shop. “Every day,” I respond. “How?” she asks. “I wonder how different our lives would be. I Continue Reading …
*Editor’s Note: this post was originally published on Chloë’s blog. When I lived in cancer world, everyone was praising my strength. I was standing tall as a mountain, walking with giant stride, carrying my baby in my arms. I didn’t flicker ; I rarely cried. When asked how I was holding Continue Reading …
Today I have been to a birthday party. My goddaughter’s birthday, who turns 6 tomorrow. This is a date I have dreaded for 5 years now. When she was born I had had no idea yet about my pregnancy. She is approximately 7 months older than my son would be, Continue Reading …
One year ago, on May 10th, Still Mother’s went live. Our vision for a place to support all loss mothers with no living children came into being. Many months of hard work – writing, planning, creating, and designing – all came together in a lovely way, and we began on a Continue Reading …
This week between International Bereaved Mother’s Day and the traditional Mother’s Day has been an emotionally draining roller coaster ride for me as a Still Mother. My world changed three years ago when I lost my own mother, and I never thought that Mother’s Day would feel the same again, Continue Reading …
It’s coming…I can feel it. (Insert the threatening music here). I know it’s coming, I don’t need to look at the calendar for confirmation. My moods are all over the map, I’m sensitive and feeling things deeply. I swear, the woman at the bank with a stroller – she smirked Continue Reading …
You are a mother, now and always. You did not cause this. You are an amazing mother who did the very best she could. This is not your fault. You are not alone. You are allowed to grieve. As much, as long, and however you need to – you are Continue Reading …
A couple of weeks ago, my almost 93 year old grandma passed away. During her last years she became smaller and smaller, more fragile and more distant every day. It was difficult and painful to see her suffer so much, to see how the physical conditions of her life became Continue Reading …
One year ago, I had my first real out-of-body experience. It happened the moment I found out my baby’s heart had stopped beating. The beautiful sound that mimicked galloping horses – the one I never feared would go away because I was naive – disappeared. My baby, who was so full of Continue Reading …
The daffodils bloom a few weeks before your birthday. When I see them it reminds me the end of March is coming. I give myself your day to let whatever may be – be. Sometimes I feel brave enough to weather my deeper feelings and think of who you Continue Reading …
I am sad today. It’s my son Finley’s fourth birthday today, and he’s not here to celebrate. He’s not here to enjoy a birthday party. I don’t want fake Facebook birthday parties every year that celebrate a little boy who isn’t here, but is loved by so many. I want Continue Reading …
It’s hard, I imagine, to really understand the pain and longings of an invisible mother – a mother without any living children. To understand the unbelievable ache to hold the child you love with every beat of your heart. The idea of having one’s only or all their children die Continue Reading …
It really is hard to explain just how hard it is to be a Still Mother. The constant triggers, the insensitivity we are frequently shown, and just how draining it is to constantly walk around every day with our emotional shields up to try to deflect some of the pain Continue Reading …
My grief rarely makes me cry and when it does, it’s never in public. My grief is more likely to be stress, weariness, and anxiety. My grief is a disability, but it’s more likely one you can’t see. My grief is setting me apart. My grief changed my identity, made me Continue Reading …
Sometimes, three years after losing Thomas, I feel like I’m a walking, talking grief expert. There are so many things that I don’t understand or know about – math, astronomy, chemistry, physics – all of those subjects I draw a blank. Grief, though…grief is sadly, very much in my wheelhouse. Continue Reading …
The moment Addison’s father and I decided to go our different ways I realized how hard meeting someone else was going to really be. Dating is hard to begin with but here I am, forever attached to my ex, always talking about my baby, which is his baby too. It takes Continue Reading …
Another day Another week Another month Almost a full year without you Another quiet morning at home Another lunch date for two Another sleepless night Almost a full year of silence Another pregnancy announcement Another baby shower invitation Another birth announcement Almost a full year of constant tears Another abrupt Continue Reading …
As I look out the window to a sea of white, I see a tiny blue bird hopping across the snow covered ground. He barely even lands, never in one place for more than a second. From a distance, the snow appears untouched, still perfectly in place. But as I Continue Reading …
by Kristen Gluck I am in the biggest fight of my life. I am fighting with grief. I am physically and mentally exhausted from fighting every single day. My adorable, perfect, baby boy was taken from me for no reason. Everyday the pain still astonishes me. Physical pain, mental pain, Continue Reading …
Being at work can be a challenge as a Still Mother. I manage a small sports therapy clinic, and overseeing the ins and outs keeps me pretty occupied. Most days I can just worry about regular office stuff, but occasionally some personal trials come up within my workday, one of which still throw Continue Reading …
They turned up the lights after one song. We usually sing four amazing rock-band-like songs which is one of the many reasons I love our church. Then I remembered seeing the reserved seats walking in, “Reserved for families of children dedication”. Shit. Oh, shit. Today is the children’s dedication at Continue Reading …
*Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on Chloë’s blog, here. “It is better to light a candle, than to curse the darkness.” I started to blog for two reasons : first, because I thought the love I shared with my daughter was a story worth telling. Second, because I was living in an oncology Continue Reading …
I am a mother who lives without her children here to hold. I am a mother who grieves her children and will long for them until the day I leave this earth. 1. I can experience grief and joy, pain and love – often at the same time What I Continue Reading …
The first trip my husband and I took after Thomas died, I was very excited about. It had been a horrible 6 months of grief, sickness, recovery and the emotional roller coaster that goes along with the first year, after a loss. I packed my bag, looking forward to four days Continue Reading …
I have been seeing more memorial posts on Facebook lately inviting loss parents to share their children’s names. While I love that these children are being recognized, I feel a little awkward and almost guilty when I skip over those posts and don’t respond personally. Maybe some of you with Continue Reading …
by Alissa Snyder Today in my Facebook news feed I saw five pregnancy announcements. One of these stated “Now that we’ve seen the heartbeat we can announce…..” I silently raged at this moment. (Okay, okay, I was actually really loud and angry.) I wanted to shout, “A heartbeat does Continue Reading …
by Shannon Shpak I dreamed of you last night. The sunlight streamed down on your face, your arms held wide and your head thrown back in abandon. I could hear your laugh again and I felt the touch of your hands patting my face as they always did. It felt like Continue Reading …
It took me quite a while to find a proper topic for this post. With the Christmas season just ending and the emotional stress it brought, nothing seemed appropriate enough. Because what else can be said? I’m pretty sure there have been moments for each of us that we can Continue Reading …
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Maya Angelou Last month should have been the 18th birthday for my oldest daughter; a big part of me can’t really believe my first loss was that long ago. How is it possible that she should have been Continue Reading …
My husband recently brought to my attention that as a loss father, years in, there are things in his day to day life that still catch him off guard. I asked him if he would care to elaborate, and the first words out of his mouth were this: Teenage Mutant Ninja Continue Reading …
To say 2015 was a difficult year is an understatement. I went from feeling like I was on top of the world, to drowning in an ocean full of sorrow, anger, and confusion. And tears. Lots and lots of tears. I started 2015 as an expectant mother. I was seven Continue Reading …
I must admit, I have never been a great fan of New Year’s Eve. Even as a child I would hide somewhere so that those last moments of the old one would pass without me. I hated the opening noises of the champagne bottle and even the fact that I Continue Reading …
Christmas has always been a special period of time in my life. As a child I could not get bored with the magical atmosphere, the wonder that it is, and being happy about the presents. As I grew older, I would discover the real magic of Nativity, the wonder what Continue Reading …
This is our fourth Christmas since Samuel’s life began, and third since it ended. In many ways, it’s easier than previous years. But that’s mostly because we’ve completely reconstructed how we participate in the holiday. Instead of big holiday gatherings – with lots of people, gifts, music, and festivities – Continue Reading …
It’s been nine long months since I said hello and goodbye to Elliot. It’s been nine long months since I last heard her heartbeat. It’s been nine long months since I thought I was bringing home my healthy, full term baby. I’ve had nine months to prepare for today, my first Christmas Continue Reading …
This post was written as part of the UPLIFT series, by Carly Marie. Learn more, and get connected. It originally appeared on our sister site, Still Standing Magazine. ________________________________________________________________________________ Growing up, Christmas was a wonderful time. It was twinkling lights, sparkling bulbs, wintery pine, and shiny packages with swirling ribbons. It Continue Reading …
There was an interesting question posed recently in the Still Mothers Embracing Life Facebook group. (The private group for Still Mothers who are learning to live without subsequent children after loss). We were discussing how being a Still Mother has changed us and then we were asked “Who are you?” I was Continue Reading …
*Editors Note: This post is about the author’s struggle with religion, personal beliefs, and religious platitudes after loss. If religion is a triggering subject for you, please proceed with caution, or simply skip this post. Here at Still Mothers, we know the value of spirituality/religion as a means for healing for some, and Continue Reading …
The holidays are never easy for those of us who are survivors of infertility, pregnancy loss or infant loss. For me, it is in the endless wonder… What toys would they have loved playing with this year? What would our holiday card have looked like? What would it have been Continue Reading …
There isn’t a minute that goes by without missing my daughter. She is constantly on my mind and I wish she were here, every second of every day. But I have found there are certain moments, memories, that cause me to miss her even more than usual… When I Continue Reading …
I feel like I have written variations of these words hundreds of times over the last few years; too many times I have typed them to online friends who have just lost their child in pregnancy or stillbirth. I strive to find the right words to comfort the newly bereaved, Continue Reading …
It’s finally here, my first Thanksgiving without my daughter. I’ve been dreading this day for months. Eight months, to be exact. Like most other holidays and events, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what it will be like without my daughter. Utterly heartbreaking are the words that always Continue Reading …
A few nights ago, as my husband and I drove past our old neighborhood on the way home from a family event, he asked if I wanted to go by our old apartment. I was reluctant, but I agreed. Feeling so unsure about a place we used to call home Continue Reading …
by Lisa Hand There’s a special day that should have been our son’s birthday. It was his due date. But he passed at 28 weeks in utero in April 2014. So technically we already survived his first birthday in heaven but this date is still hitting me hard. I have another little Continue Reading …
There was a new terror attack in Paris last night. A lot of my friends, both French and foreigners, were worried and asked if I was fine. But I wasn’t even in the city, actually. I had decided on a whim to spend the weekend in the countryside. Like most, I Continue Reading …
The celebration of Saint Martin’s day is a special Venetian tradition. On the 11th of November the children in Venice, Italy stroll from one square to another, passing through the streets, the calle – as the are called in Venice-, armed with dishes and lids, and ask for some coins Continue Reading …
By Trish-Ann Taylor Our sweet daughter, Joislen Grace, is one month into her rest. One “monthiversary” of the many more to come. One month down. ____ more to go, till I get to hold you again. I have a list full of wishes. My totally viable princess could’ve lived on Continue Reading …
Think back to the last time you flew in a plane; do you remember the flight attendant giving the safety instructions? One instruction is that if the oxygen masks drop, you need to put your own mask on before helping anyone else. If you don’t save your own life, you Continue Reading …
I’ve always really liked Halloween. Before I became a mother it was a fun day filled with candy, ridiculous costumes, and scary movies. I’m not sure how I feel about it this year. Then again, I’m not sure how I feel about most things. This year is drastically different than Continue Reading …
Most of our closest friends have three kids. Three! Three seems to be the new 2.5 kids in our culture. We love those big families of five even if sometimes we look at each on our way to the childless quiet of our home and say to one another, “Man, three kids! Continue Reading …
There is comfort to be found in things, when memories are so volatile, fleeting, unattainable. My daughter lived for eleven months, yet it sometimes feels like a dream, and left me wondering whether it really happened. I can’t remember her unique smell, the facial expressions that were hers only, the Continue Reading …
By Lori Davis Sometimes my thoughts are neatly wrapped together and easy to articulate. And then there are days like today, when they feel a little jumbled and messy. That’s how grief works. It’s complex and confusing. There is no rhyme or reason to the ups and downs. It just is. I Continue Reading …
In those first dark days you will find yourself asking, “What is the point”? Everything that once seemed so important will lose all meaning. What is the point of getting out of bed, showering, eating? Much less, working, making a home, or planning for the future! Your world has been Continue Reading …
by Sarah Townend “Are you a mummy?” An elderly patient at work the other day. Somehow the question cut deeper than “do you have children?” Yes, I am a mummy, I thought, but how can I tell you? How can I possibly say to you that yes, I am a mummy Continue Reading …
When our twin boys, Damon and Drazan, died last May 21, my husband and I were sent reeling. And it was in this condition that we were expected to make some pretty important decisions: to bury or cremate…? Do we baptize them, or…? What kind of service should we…? It all felt Continue Reading …
by Carol Jacobson Have you heard the phrase “deafening silence”? I’m not sure that I used to understand what it meant. It is autumn now, and evenings are finally cooler. We turn off the air conditioning and open the windows in the bedroom. I hear the quiet hum of the Continue Reading …
“I don’t get why you can’t be happy for others. I just don’t get it. Why do you have to make it about you ? Life goes on.” I’m so tired of needing to raise awareness, to explain, to educate. To teach, even though I’m a teacher. But it seems Continue Reading …
By Carol Jacobson I said to my friend today, “Hope is like a double edged sword. You know? It carries you through a lot of tough stuff, but at the same time, when you hold it that closely it really hurts later on.” I think this is applicable to many Continue Reading …
Losing you tore my world apart. Your death laid bare a desolate landscape on which I lay for years, fighting to breath in the broken, painful place called life after loss. My sweet baby girl, losing you was hell on earth. I would still choose you. Your life with me Continue Reading …
This post is part of a multi-part series regarding moving forward with life after loss and the struggles of the reintroduction to “normal life.” The focus of these posts is being prepared and coping with the things that will come as we resume our day to day lives and return Continue Reading …
by Lori Davis I often think about the “old” me vs. the “new” me. I have changed in so many ways since giving birth to my daughter at the end of March. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant. I knew my life was about to change and Continue Reading …
I can’t believe I got rick roll’d today. You would think I would know better by know. And somehow those lyrics got to me. Never gonna give you up. As a loss mother, I have had to give up each of my babies. And now, I have had to give Continue Reading …
How do I even begin to explain to those around me how it feels to be a Mother whose only baby died? I’m not sure where to start. Sometimes, it’s so hard to put my feelings into writing. To experience them is much different than to communicate them. I’m going Continue Reading …
by Louise Botterill After the loss of a baby, we are all beyond devastated. Not one person ever expects that this would happen to them. Why would it? You only think it happens to other people, that it’s a statistic in a dusty old book somewhere but surely with modern Continue Reading …
We bought our first house in the fall, nearly seven years ago. The cute, 2-bedroom bungalow was the perfect starter home to update, make our own, and grow into a family of three. The second bedroom was earmarked as the nursery from the beginning. The next summer quickly came and with enthusiasm, we Continue Reading …
By Jaime Groth-Searle We decorated the room – gray with orange zigzags, and bright yellow cushions with a tall bookshelf, every nook crammed with dusty comics from our own childhoods. We wanted our twin boys to have all those things we loved, and we wanted to help them discover new things too. Continue Reading …
Editors Note: This post is about the false hope of pregnancy after loss. Ideas about pregnancy after loss are discussed by a mother with no living children. Please use caution when reading, if this is a hard topic for you. We understand that many Still Mothers are not able to Continue Reading …
By Lindsay S Each year Spring hits, the blossoms come in, and like clockwork my Pregdar goes into overdrive, and I see pregnant women EVERYWHERE! People start going outside more, Spring turns to Summer, and I start to see babies EVERYWHERE! To add to all the (blatant to me) breeding Continue Reading …
When your only child has passed away, you are left in a state of limbo. You feel suspended between here and there, lost “in between” parenthood and child-loss. Are you still a parent? Of course! Death cannot change that. But the horrible irony of being a parent without a child Continue Reading …
by Lori Davis I vividly remember going home that morning. A few hours earlier we found out we would never carry our little girl into her nursery, at least not in the way we had always imagined. We returned home for a few hours to “collect” ourselves. Truthfully, there was Continue Reading …
By Éva Zsák Having lost my baby boy one of the “encouraging” lines I often received was ‘It happens to so many other women, it’s not unusual. You’ll get over it.’ For me, thus, the message to understand was that to lose your child is not infrequent, therefore, you should not take Continue Reading …
I am sitting on my couch looking at what seems like a mess on my ottoman. It isn’t really a mess, exactly. It’s just unfinished. A couple months ago, a dear friend invited me to a very special event for bereaved mothers – we were making memory boxes together. It Continue Reading …
by Leigh Kendall I started 2014 as an excited expectant mother: now I am a survivor of a rare, life-threatening illness, and an empty-armed mother. My heart is broken, my hopes dashed, my dreams destroyed. At the beginning of 2014 I was pregnant with my long-awaited first baby, who was due Continue Reading …
Dear New Mama, This is hard. So very hard. You expected to be holding your beautiful, warm, breathing, wiggly baby in your arms. You expected sweet baby scent and the joys of tiny baby fingers and toes. You expected diaper changes, midnight feedings, and proudly introducing your beautiful little one Continue Reading …
It’s been just over 18 months since my sweet baby girl Hannah passed away. She is my first and only child. It’s been a painful journey and I’ve learned so much. I know I have so much more to learn, but I only wish I didn’t have a reason to. Continue Reading …
By Éva Zsák The day when it all happened was a bit more than five years ago now. In May. May used to be my favourite month of the year, as spring used to be my favourite season. It used to be beautiful. I remember how happy I was on that Continue Reading …
by Lise Hauser When I knew that I wanted to be a midwife, it was because I wanted to care for the women, not because of the babies. I grew up taking care of my mom and my siblings after my dad died. Somehow I never envisioned myself as a Continue Reading …
Remember when the world held endless possibilities. Remember when dreams could come true. Remember when miracles happen. Remember when we saw the word “pregnant” in a way we never had before. Remember when we fell in love. Remember when we felt blessed. Remember when we felt safe. Remember when we Continue Reading …
“To keep false hopes is to prolong misery.” – Amy Tan Please stop telling me it will happen. Honestly, I don’t want YOUR hope. I know that’s all you’re trying to give me, but I just don’t want it. It’s not because I don’t want more biological children, but they Continue Reading …
Let yourself cry. Let it out. Sob until you can’t take it anymore. Allow yourself to break down. Wail. Scream. Punch your pillow. Let it out! This is my advice for you, to help yourself heal. This is one of the things that has helped in my healing. A person who Continue Reading …
I am continually surprised at just when and how the effects of grief and loss suddenly pop up and knock me off my feet, even after so many years of living with it. A simple rear-ending. Someone got distracted and hit me from behind. Well, my third hit from behind Continue Reading …
I am guilty. I’m guilty of judging every woman who’s pregnant with ease. I’m guilty of holding my niece and wishing she was mine. I’m guilty of avoiding baby showers and birthday parties. I’m guilty of glaring at swollen bellies with hatred. I’m guilty of staring at babies around her age – Continue Reading …
So “it” happened again. I hate how often this happens, an acquaintance using the dreaded “how many kids do you have” question as an icebreaker. This question appears innocent to many but to those of us who have dealt with infertility and/or pregnancy loss it is pure evil. As an Continue Reading …
He is someone who loves a child, long before they exist. He is someone who hopes for a child. He is someone who prepares for a child. He is someone who sacrifices for a child. He is someone who is overjoyed to see two pink lines. He is someone who Continue Reading …
Dear David, I see you. I see you my love. I see when you look just a little too long at her picture on the wall. I see how your heart aches when you can’t find the right words to comfort me. I watch your face go hallow when you’re Continue Reading …
It’s the same every year until it isn’t. I never dreamt my husband would celebrate Father’s Day without his child, without his baby girl. Now here we are approaching his second Father’s Day; still with no living children and him longing for his baby girl. To be honest I thought Continue Reading …
When you are a Still Mother, there are many situations and circumstances that are VERY difficult. If you ever feel the need, it is okay to: Unfollow or Hide a fellow baby loss mom when she becomes pregnant or gives birth to her healthy baby. Do various things Continue Reading …
I didn’t think anything of it when the text message popped up last week. It was from a friend that I hadn’t spoken to in a while. “Hey. I wanted to say thanks for reaching out to me last week.” While I was on vacation, I drove past a place that Continue Reading …
No one likes to lose. It is part of our human nature to want to win. We are taught to be competitive, to always do our best. And while there is nothing wrong with trying to win, we must also learn to lose. In every competition, someone loses. Whether it’s Continue Reading …
I miss those days when I thought nothing bad could happen to me. The days where I felt as if I were invincible. Every day brought promise and hope. Excitement over the future, and what could happen. Never fearing the future. Speeding down the highway, young and crazy, because “nothing Continue Reading …
June. You are summertime and sunshine. Fireflies and fragrant lilies. Sweet memories and love. Sweet possibilities and half-formed dreams. June. You are also bitter tears and broken hearts. Loss and tangled shadows. Darkness after the light goes out. Tattered dreams and deep, deep sorrow. June is Lily’s month. Lily was Continue Reading …
By the time I left work on Thursday my head was hurting and I was in no mood to cook. So my husband and I headed over to our favorite pizza buffet; I just wanted to eat and go home in peace. We got in line, then I saw her Continue Reading …
When I was a little girl I had a short run with softball. Well, it was t-ball if we want to get technical and I didn’t have any idea why I was there. There’s a cute little story my foster family used to tell everyone about how I didn’t know Continue Reading …
I am broken. You are broken. We are broken. Some of us…some of us are shattered. Some are so shattered that every time we exhale all we can do is watch the dust of ourselves blow away. As much as we try and grasp at that dust, try to catch Continue Reading …
