Losing our son was the single worst experience of my entire life. Losing our daughter was a little easier. Miscarrying our third seemed almost routine. They have all been hard, but with each loss, I’ve also lost more and more of my hope and optimism. My motto of “keep moving Continue Reading …
In my four years of this new life post the death of my son, I have never actually attended a remembrance event. Last month, the organization that I work for held a 5k remembrance event and this month, for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, we are having a remembrance walk. Continue Reading …
We, Still Parents, have endured the unthinkable. Literally unthinkable by Nature, by society and by the State (at least in my country). Our bodies are not prepared for our babies to die. Nature didn’t think of that. Our babies die and still our bodies produce milk. Why? Haven’t you, body, Continue Reading …
Grieving and Facebook. I have so many mixed feelings about social media, especially now, nearly two years since my son’s departure from this world. On one hand, I love Facebook and its ability to quickly connect people across the world. In those early days of my grieving process, I would Continue Reading …
From the outside looking in, my life looks the same as it did before we had a baby. I wake up at the same time to go to work. There’s no one to get ready but myself. I work the same hours. We don’t have to coordinate who’s picking up Continue Reading …
Dear well-meaning friend, I know your intention is to have a positive conversation about how adopting could be a great way for me to have the baby I want so badly. There are just a couple things I want you to know before you bring it up. First, when you Continue Reading …
Everyone experiences a shift in their identity at least once in their life (unless you don’t, then lucky you). I experienced one the summer after my freshman year of college, another the following summer when I got married, and another the day we lost Carter. The first two times were Continue Reading …
Time and time again I hear about expectations regarding grieving parents. We hear about how they “should” or “shouldn’t” act, what they “should” or “shouldn’t” do, what they “should” or “shouldn’t” talk about. One valuable life lesson I’ve learned is that expectations can choke the life out of even the Continue Reading …
Unsettled is one word I would use to describe my life post loss. This is not how things are supposed to be for us. I know this. I should not be fighting over stupid things with my husband. I should not be moving every year. I should not have to Continue Reading …
It’s your first baby so it’s all a bit alien to you. You listen to everyone’s advice and do everything you’re supposed to do: you stop smoking, you stop drinking, you start taking folic-acid. They constantly tell you not to worry and that you’re doing great. You go to classes, Continue Reading …
Today, my daughter told me she loves me. She wrapped herself around me and was warm to the touch. I stroked my fingers through the length of her hair. We sat together in silence. Her breath grazing across my face. I closed my eyes and for the first time she Continue Reading …
After having five miscarriages, there are a lot of dates on the calendar to dread. There are loss anniversaries, due dates that didn’t come to be, real holidays and greeting card holidays that can all make me feel like I am drowning in grief again. But August, though it has Continue Reading …
There are many struggles that arise from being a still mother, this is no secret. But besides the guilt, the longing, the emptiness and the feelings of “what if”, I frequently face the struggle of feeling like a “less-than” mom. What exactly is a “less-than” mom, most would ask. Well, Continue Reading …
I could not find the words this August; the 4th August without our son and starting of the 5th year without him. I don’t want to force the words out of me and thought instead that I should just note that the words have escaped me the same way that Continue Reading …
It’s a question that I ask myself quite a bit. It seems that I have changed so much in such a short span of time. It’s been 5 months since our son, Brady, passed away at 2 weeks old. In some ways, it still feels like it happened yesterday. And Continue Reading …
Still Mother. Two words I never thought would ever be used to describe me. One day, you’re living your life, preparing for arguably the most exciting and life-changing milestone and then, death steps in. I can’t speak for others who have suffered a loss similar to mine, because the fact Continue Reading …
As a still mother for the last almost six months, I have encountered quite a few instances of awkwardness that have taught me I am the only one who can teach the world how to approach me. While awkwardness may not be the correct term to use, there are times Continue Reading …
Here I sit, reflecting on this day last month; another Independence Day come and gone. The 4th of July was very surreal for us last year. Elijah had been laid to rest on June 30th. Just days later, we found ourselves sitting in a park that coincidentally overlooks the same Continue Reading …
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. If someone would have told me to make a list of all of the possible scenarios of how my life would have unfolded, I couldn’t have imagined this in my wildest thoughts. Trying for 10 years to get pregnant. Being told by Continue Reading …
It has been almost nine months since you were born. October 27, 2016. I wish we could take one of those “nine month” pictures. The kind where I hold you roughly where you hung out in my belly, and then we put it next to the very last picture of Continue Reading …
Dear Loss Moms With Living Children, I still have days where I can be very bitter. Today is one of those days. As loss parents, we have the common denominator that is losing a child. Some have lost more than one. Losing a child alone is awful; gut wrenching even. Continue Reading …
It begins, every June… as I go on Social Media, the “On This Day” posts show up. I have a vicious love/hate relationship with TimeHop/On this Day. Many people have suggested I delete it, and remove the triggers and the pain that come with them. It’s logical: why put myself Continue Reading …
One of the first (and best) pieces of advice I heard after losing my son, Jonah, at 30 weeks, was from another bereaved mother in a Facebook group: she told me to be gentle with myself. Now, I see and hear this advice everywhere, and I even say it to Continue Reading …
This will not be an easy post for me to write because it will require me to reveal some of my darkest pain. I wanted to write it to help others who are experiencing the same issues. What do you think of when you think of the word trigger? Most Continue Reading …
Right about now, I should be planning a bash for a 4 year old, wavy haired little boy. I should be hiding gifts and making party favors for his little friends. I should have Nick Jr. program songs in my head and know all about the many new Disney movies Continue Reading …
Is it just me or has there been a complete barrage of pregnancy announcements lately? Good Lord, it’s like no one had anything better to do in February or March! Before we get into the thick of things, this post comes with a couple caveats: I’m not completely side-eyeing the Continue Reading …
It doesn’t happen very often anymore. That surge of anger and rage that punches through me out of nowhere. That fierce explosion of fury at the utter unfairness of it all. My babies are dead. My babies who shouldn’t be babies anymore. My life, filled with that unspoken, indescribable emptiness that Continue Reading …
I survived. I survived one whole year without my daughter. 52 weeks. 365 days of emptiness. I feel like I’m out of words. Some days, I believe I’m out of tears. I fought this survival. I fought it tooth and nail. I didn’t want to survive one hour let alone Continue Reading …
Mother’s Day was never mine. Well, except one time. I can remember Mother’s Day when I was younger and how important it was for me to let my mom know how much I appreciated her. She was a single mother, the only parent we had left. She sacrificed and did Continue Reading …
As we approach Mother’s Day, my third as a loss mom, I feel ready, willing and able to tell you a beautiful story that I carry in my heart….A story about a girl named Jimmie. You see, when we found out we were pregnant, my husband Brent and I had Continue Reading …
Let’s talk about sex. Yes, seriously. It’s Infertility Awareness Week and it’s time we brought this subject out into the open. People who have never struggled to conceive often think that trying to conceive should be fun; “just think of all the sex you get to have!” But anyone who Continue Reading …
I never realized how much I would forever associate real estate with family until I became a Still Mother. When we were pregnant, we realized it would be best to move. To find a house with more room for toys and the boy I was carrying. We began looking at Continue Reading …
Lately, everything I look at is blurred, doubled, and unclear. I put off scheduling an eye exam for a while because I just wasn’t prepared to deal with any more bad news in my life. But when I finally couldn’t take it any more, I tried to get an exam Continue Reading …
Recently I was talking with a friend about how things are. Things like routines, habits, hobbies… the things that make us, us. We all have an idea that things will be different for us when we have a child. It’s called a life change for that reason. Often, life changes Continue Reading …
We’ve all had that moment; you tell someone that you don’t have living children and you hear “I completely understand, we lost our first one, too”. You feel an instant connection — finally, someone else who gets it! — but then they tell you how they have had more kids, Continue Reading …
Starting with my second birthday, as far as my memory serves, I was not a fan of aging. I was mortified by the attention, appalled with the ceremonies, and dreaded the concept of growing old. I swore off birthday cake and the whole candle blowing out event (as if that Continue Reading …
To those who think I don’t still hurt, who feel my time mourning has an expiration date … To those that feel I should be “over it by now,” “moving on,” “writing about happier things,” “feeling better,” “snapping out of it”… To those who don’t understand why I celebrate and Continue Reading …
Usually I am okay and can function daily with no issues. But since becoming a loss mom I have realized that there are always going to be unexpected reminders of that loss. I have realized that I will be reminded of losing my daughter daily from things that should remind Continue Reading …
As a loss mom, unfortunately, there’s not too much that people ask me to share about my daughter. I certainly don’t have as many memories to share as other women whom have living children, but the precious moments I do have will last me a lifetime, and I love to Continue Reading …
I have always avoided amusement parks. All the spinning and rising and falling rides made me anxious just looking at them. I had no desire to get on-board. A few times I allowed myself to be talked into it and every time I regretted it. I hated the anticipation on Continue Reading …
Five years old..it keeps running through my head..five years old, we should have had a five year old. Should have…changes the sentence in such a horrific way. I should be thinking about kindergarten – public or private? I should be planning for your party – you were due on January Continue Reading …
Every year we always say “New Year New Me”. That usually entails working out, setting goals, and dreaming about what this year will bring. But being a loss mom a New Year for me means a whole lot less. It means living another year childless. Living another year wishing I Continue Reading …
Your children make me sad. It’s not your fault. It’s not mine. It’s no one’s, really. It’s just the truth, and, as they say, the truth can hurt. I don’t mean for it to –truly — but the reality is, seeing your child smiling and running and playing and hugging Continue Reading …
My daughter died two and a half years ago and everyday I’m fighting for her life. I’m fighting for her life to be acknowledged, to be recognized, to be remembered. For her name to be said, for her presence to be counted. I’m fighting for her, and for me as Continue Reading …
I remember hearing stories and rumors of a friend’s friend who lost a baby a few years ago. She was devastated and didn’t know what to do. She was depressed for months and didn’t talk to anyone. On the same note, no one talked to her either because they didn’t Continue Reading …
“New normal” It’s a term that has come up quite often during my pregnancy loss journey. The first time I heard the term used was when I spoke to another pregnancy loss mom who told me life may seem dark now, but I will soon learn to adjust to my Continue Reading …
The holiday momentum started in mid October. I could feel it coming on. I fantasize about all of the things Jasper may have dressed up as for Halloween, the foods he would have liked or disliked at Thanksgiving and the gifts we would have carefully picked for him for Christmas. Continue Reading …
As I write this, we’ve entered the seventh month without our baby girl. Most days I look around and don’t recognize how I got here. I no longer spend hours crumpled up on the floor or thrown on the bed shaking, soaked in sweat and tears. Yet I would be Continue Reading …
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. I was full of emotions. I was 21, and honestly I didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. I was terrified, nervous, but also blissfully happy and excited. The feelings I experienced when I Continue Reading …
Being a still mother, is being a strange type of lonely. The closest thing I can compare it to is something that most people experienced at least once as a child: That moment when you were small and in a crowded store with your parent, then suddenly something that you Continue Reading …
This time last year, I was six months pregnant and celebrating my first Christmas as a Mom. Every ounce of me bubbling over with anticipation at the prospect of all the future family traditions and whimsical Christmas mornings we would experience with our little girl. The holidays had taken on Continue Reading …
Every year, as a child, I would watch the Rudolph Christmas Special. And every year, the part that really spoke to me was the Island of Misfit Toys. I think most children feel like misfits at times since there is always something different about us (wearing glasses, left-handed, red haired, Continue Reading …
This time of year has unexpectedly been very hard for me. I never anticipated how much my heart would throb in anticipation of the holiday season. I’m in a much different place this year than I expected to be. Last October, I found out I was pregnant for the second Continue Reading …
When I found out I was pregnant, like so many other women – I signed up various baby websites. These website had various groups including “birth boards”. I was part of two groups for January 2012 Mama’s. I remember when one woman dropped out; she had experienced a miscarriage – Continue Reading …
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting in this chair. All sense of time has been lost to me. My mind keeps flashing to him and how big he would be right now. I see him crawling on the floor and looking back at me, like he needs permission Continue Reading …
The Christmas of 2012 was our favorite and happiest Christmas to date. We had learned early in the month that we were finally expecting our first child. I was practically bed ridden with morning sickness and fatigue but I had no worries in the world. The gift theme was pretty Continue Reading …
It’s here, again: the red, green, silver and gold. The twinkling lights and distant sound of bells. It’s here. The holidays have once again overtaken the earth. And this year, it all seems so obscurely out of reach. Just beyond the horizon. That thing called “happiness”. The children had their Continue Reading …
I always wonder how other families suffering with a loss cope with the normal day to day activities. I know for me it is a vicious cycle that repeats itself EVERY SINGLE DAY. From the minute I wake up to the minute I fall asleep my days just continue to Continue Reading …
If you’re a loss mom, you’ve most likely heard the words “at least” about the death of your child. I wish it wasn’t so, but people love to try to put a pretty bow on things, even ugly unspeakably horrible things like the death of a child. They say “at Continue Reading …
I wish… …I got to bring my baby home. …that there weren’t so many unanswered questions. …I didn’t know this excruciating suffering. I wish… …I didn’t have to see the sympathetic gazes and hear the unintentionally painful platitudes. …I didn’t have to pretend to be “okay.” …I had my confidence Continue Reading …
Time heals all wounds, they say. But I’m learning that isn’t always the case. Grief happens and sometimes our hearts will never completely mend. The loss of my perfect angel hurts more than I could have ever imagined. No, I was not “that far” along in my pregnancy. I thought Continue Reading …
I see her. The one walking down the isle at the grocery store. The girl who looks to be about my age. She’s the one with a shopping cart full of brightly colored packages of party plates and decorations, diapers and wipes for days, a single helium balloon hovers over her Continue Reading …
Dear Friend, Congratulations. Please understand that I am trying to be happy for you. Please understand that I wish you and your baby nothing but the best. Please know that I love you. But, please also understand that when you just announced your pregnancy, my heart literally hurt. Please know Continue Reading …
Beautiful Mother, I see you. I found you in one of those loss groups. I had been trolling the group for a while looking for anyone to whom I could connect. I desperately wanted to talk to another mother that had a similar story to mine. We found each other Continue Reading …
There’s something that happens to a person when they survive trauma. For me, it was like someone snapped my neck and now I’m a quadriplegic. Suddenly I had an entire new perspective on the world I never asked for. It became even darker than before. Losing my daughter was, unfortunately, Continue Reading …
Maybe you wanted a perfectly natural water birth with limited pain medication, and instead you had to face the disappointment of having medical intervention and giving birth in a bed…Please take a moment to imagine the extent of the disappointment of saying goodbye to all your hopes and dreams for Continue Reading …
I ran into you at the post office. We did that awkward shuffle thing where neither one of us really know where to go, but we got around. I asked how you were doing and I saw the horror in your face. The memories of the baby class we both Continue Reading …
There is enough struggle in grief without having expectations on where you “should be”. The idea we need to be “happier”, “better”, “to move on” or – at times – to be sadder does not support us in our grief, but rather brings up feelings of guilt and shame. You Continue Reading …
There’s a cedar hope chest sitting in our bedroom. It’s placed safely at the foot of the bed. A stranger walking by could cast it off merely as a decorative note in our home. They might take notice how carefully crafted it is, simple and elegant in its design, or Continue Reading …
It’s been four years. I should have a four year old. I should be cleaning stickers off the windows. I should have a car seat with cheerios, goldfish crackers and enough dropped food to last us a week. I should have play dates and prepping for preschool; although, I was pushing Continue Reading …
I don’t know what she looks like, but I see her everywhere. I see her darting in and out among the kids off to school. I see her in the nighttime, tucked away in bed. I see her beside me in the car – some days quiet, too annoyed to Continue Reading …
In the wee small hours of the morning, if you listen closely, you can hear it. Silence. Silence, when there should be a baby crying for a 2 am feeding. Silence, when my husband and I should be debating whose turn it is to get up. Silence, when I should hear sweet Continue Reading …
Recently, my husband’s cousin asked him what it was like for us the day Alyssa died – to hold her and see her. She had seen pictures and said she was beautiful. I couldn’t agree more! But I wish I had been there to answer the question, to talk about Continue Reading …
*Editor’s Note: This post was submitted to us as a guest post. We agree with much of what is said, especially about the idea of protecting the hearts of those hurting the most. We realize this may be a controversial subject, but we proudly share ideas that need to be Continue Reading …
“At least you can get pregnant.” The words were said to me on the very day that I lost my son, William. I was still in the hospital, looking out the window at the bleak, dreary world that became ever so much colder that day. I know that the statement Continue Reading …
This September my 6-year old goddaughter is starting school. She will attend a specific sports program, with training and lots of activities, I believe. Her mother kept me well informed about the preparation process, the selection of the proper school, gathering information, the entrance exam, and, now, the final steps Continue Reading …
Since losing Jensen almost four months ago, I’ve become a completely different mother than I ever planned. One lesson I’ve learned is nothing will ever be the same. Most days it’s hard to get out of bed. The days where I do feel a little bit of strength, I push myself, Continue Reading …
One question we get asked a lot here at Still Mothers is some form of “How do I handle pregnancies and living children after my only child died?” I would love to sit down and write out the perfect response to this question, because I know how confusing it can Continue Reading …
One of the first things that crossed my mind after the loss of my only child was the answering of the invasive, rude and inappropriate questions people ask in passing. I had already dealt with them for a decade but in a much different way than I was about to Continue Reading …
Some days I feel the tears, always there, ready to fall at any moment. Even three years out now from my last loss, I have to fight to keep them from spilling out until I am alone. I go to the bathroom to let the sobs come in privacy. Some Continue Reading …
When I was a little girl, I believed in unicorns, happily ever after’s, and that every birthday wish came true. I can remember the cake being put right in front of my face, with one more candle from the year before. Each year I didn’t think I’d be able to Continue Reading …
When I worked as a flight attendant I spent many flights doting over baby travelers. I walked them up and down the aisle while they cried, I held them as their mothers fit their seat belts, and I defended them from angry business passengers. I’ll never forget the time when, Continue Reading …
I think at some point, all Still Mothers have told a friend, acquaintance, etc, that we cannot have living children and have been tossed the “oh! Mine are terrors, you can have mine” line. Ugh! I’ve tried to be educational and yet honest and bluntly tell people that their statement hurts me. Continue Reading …
Dear Alyssa, The other day I went to the support group and I saw a little red robin playing in the sprinkler. Was that you? I felt that you were following me and giving me a sign. I never really see signs here at home outside, but whenever I go Continue Reading …
If you’ve ever had a miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss or experienced the death of a young child you know that there is one question that you will inevitably be asked: “Will you try again?”. I believe this question is asked because that is the nature of humanity. We try to Continue Reading …
Stillness. I never realized there would be so much stillness. My husband and I were always introverts but this was a far different atmosphere than we were used to. After years of trying-and failing-to have a family we were tens of thousands of dollars in debt and surrounded by stillness. Continue Reading …
NPR recently aired a segment about the lifestyle choices that increase humans’ life expectancy. The biggest factor was the quality of a person’s relationships and how connected they felt to others. When my son died the connections I had in my life were no longer enough. I found myself constantly Continue Reading …
Dear Mr. asking-too-many-personal-questions cab driver, Thank you for asking if I have kids, and then, upon hearing my reply, giving me unsolicited advice. No, I assure you, I really won’t be having a living baby. Despite whatever good intentions you have, whatever whackadoodle specialist’s number you are pressuring upon me Continue Reading …
As Still Mothers, we never know when grief will come knocking and demand our attention. It’s usually not expected Usually not invited Usually not a good time. Yet, when grief shows up, acknowledging it is a way of honoring our children. So, we give it a moment. To resonate in Continue Reading …
What if I am never able to have kids? What happens to my life then? These are questions I have contemplated frequently in recent months since my second angel baby gained his wings. The world becomes a scary place when something you have unknowingly been planning for since you were Continue Reading …
She would have been your first friend nearly your sister almost a twin. You illumined the winter solstice our cycles of hope and despair, and I cried with joy and sorrow and longing. One more intricate try for me in the dead of winter – she was there. I gave Continue Reading …
This is my first time writing for Still Mothers and I want to thank RaeAnne and Lisa for creating such a safe and inclusive place for women to just be with their grief without having to worry about coming across the triggers that seem to be everywhere these days. I’ve Continue Reading …
There seems to be some misunderstanding in the general populace that we, as grieving parents, are only still grieving because of our inability or unwillingness to accept reality. To them, us accepting reality would mean that we would move on from our grief, go back to being the person we Continue Reading …
I used to go on walks at the park with a mommy friend of mine. We’d stroll with our babies strapped to our chests and catch up on each others lives. Talk about the hard parts of being a mom, and the amazing parts, too. She’d talk about what her Continue Reading …
The number 10 has a special meaning for me and my husband. We had been married for 10 years when we finally got pregnant after numerous failed fertility treatments. Our daughter Pearl was born still at 29 weeks on April 10, 2006, and it’s now 10 years since she has left Continue Reading …
“If it weren’t for my older son/daughter, I don’t think I could survive.” “Without my living children, I don’t think I would have found anything worth living for.” “If I hadn’t had my rainbow baby, I don’t know if I could have found hope again.” “I just don’t know if Continue Reading …
I often think about a time one night nearing the end of our pregnancy, while lying next to my husband. I can not recall a happier time in our lives. Finally, after years and years and years of struggling with infertility, we had overcome the barriers and conceived our perfect Continue Reading …
“Do you have children?” I never knew that would be such a difficult question to answer. It seems pretty basic, you have them or you don’t, right? Except, as it turns out, it’s a very complicated question. I have a son, but I don’t have him here. A little of Continue Reading …
There is a trending tag in social media right now, #thisismotherhood. This tag is usually accompanied by photos of mothers with their children, and statuses describing one or many of the difficulties that comes with being a mother. While I think this is a great movement, I can’t help but Continue Reading …
Today I have been to a birthday party. My goddaughter’s birthday, who turns 6 tomorrow. This is a date I have dreaded for 5 years now. When she was born I had had no idea yet about my pregnancy. She is approximately 7 months older than my son would be, Continue Reading …
