We have this image in our heads of the people in our lives. We see what they do for others in times of need. We see how amazing they are and then we expect that image to come true for us when we need them the most. Unfortunately, people rarely Continue Reading …
To my friend who asks about my pregnancy. Thank you. Thank you for realising I want to talk about it. Thank you for realising my pregnancy still means something to me. Thank you for allowing me to share my memories. Thank you for asking my advice in relation to your Continue Reading …
By Clare Hedges I was scrolling through my phone at the end of May and saw an advertisement that gave me that sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach. The advertisement was for Father’s day cards. Another brutal reminder that life is not as it should be. In most Continue Reading …
This one is for the fathers of our children. The ones that were there for us through our pregnancies, our tears, our grief, our surgeries. The men that picked us back up when our worlds fell apart. This is for the fathers of our children who far too often go Continue Reading …
Those early grief days were some of the hardest days of my life. I say that as a survivor of child abuse. I say that as a suicide survivor. I say that as a survivor of multiple miscarriages. I say that as a mother who gave birth to a perfect Continue Reading …
By Alison Ferrera Bereaved motherhood and a pandemic is complicated and there is much to say, but let me just start by saying COVID-19 sucks. It sucks for everyone. And there are so, so, many specific groups it sucks extra for. And, yes, my mother taught me not to say ‘sucks.’ But this Continue Reading …
By Chelsea Roman The days and weeks after the death of my daughter, Athena, I’ve been flooded with “I can’t imagine” and similar comments; they are empty and unhelpful. This is my response to those comments: _______________________________ Editor’s Note: This guest post is by a member of Continue Reading …
The internet is both one of the best and the worst things to happen in the world of grief support. We now have websites, pages, and support groups for grievers; places where we can be heard and feel understood by people around the world. Celebrities are even opening up and Continue Reading …
Earlier this year, I wrote about one of the phrases I hate, namely when people accuse us of being ‘stuck’ in our grief. A writing prompt from 2019’s World Childless Week got me thinking about another phrase that I hate, “as a parent, I have empathy.” Equating parenthood and empathy Continue Reading …
It’s been a year and a half since my daughter, River, died. December 22nd, 2016, was the day the old me died too. I no longer see the world the same way. I am me and I’ve changed. I’ve learned that the world goes on while our world stops, completely. Continue Reading …
I have been following the news, much like I’m sure many of you are, the Mama Orca is on her 16th day of carrying her deceased baby. A world wide marine mourning; that every bereaved mother understands with a heavy heart. I wish I could join her. I wish I Continue Reading …
By Sue Dagg We need to talk. No, not you, new Loss Mother and Loss Fathers. You focus on whatever gets you through each moment. I need to talk to the people surrounding you as you navigate your shock and grief. I want to give some advice that could save Continue Reading …
Those of us who have been single as full grown adults know that most in our age range have children, and at this stage of the game, a good portion of my peers have grandchildren. So, there is the inevitable “Do you have kids?” question that comes up almost immediately. Continue Reading …
People ask him how I am all the time. They send me wishes and love, and grieve with me. But what about him? He goes to work and he smiles. He impresses the boss each day. But when he sits alone with his headphones on, they think he’s just working Continue Reading …
I’m a mother. My beautiful baby girl Camila died six months ago and I struggle daily to live without her in my arms. I’m lucky to have my dear husband, who loves me no matter what, and I’m extremely grateful for that. Today I want to write to thank our Continue Reading …
Thanksgiving used to be really special to me. Not because of the history or the food, but because the fact that it was a true display of who held us most dear. Whether we were invited out somewhere or hosted dinner at our own place (this only happened once), we Continue Reading …
2016 was the year of loss for me. After losing my daughter, I also faced the loss of my relationship with her father. All of that on its own was extremely tough to work through, but then I faced something incredibly confusing and daunting– dating. Except, this wasn’t only dating- Continue Reading …
A non-profit organization that I work with held their 7th annual Footprints On Our Hearts Walk To Remember the weekend of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My husband and I had never attended a walk for our son before. It was an extremely emotional but comforting experience for us. Continue Reading …
Returning to work – the final stage of acceptance and putting together the last piece of what resembles your normal life before your world broke in half. My daughter passed away when she was 3 months old, half way through my 6-month maternity leave agreement. This was in some sense Continue Reading …
In my four years of this new life post the death of my son, I have never actually attended a remembrance event. Last month, the organization that I work for held a 5k remembrance event and this month, for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, we are having a remembrance walk. Continue Reading …
We, Still Parents, have endured the unthinkable. Literally unthinkable by Nature, by society and by the State (at least in my country). Our bodies are not prepared for our babies to die. Nature didn’t think of that. Our babies die and still our bodies produce milk. Why? Haven’t you, body, Continue Reading …
You hear many things about grief – “it comes and goes in waves”, “there’s no wrong way to grieve” and “everyone grieves differently”. In my experience, these are all true, but the last one was incredibly real after the loss of my daughter. What do you do when you’re not Continue Reading …
Dear well-meaning friend, I know your intention is to have a positive conversation about how adopting could be a great way for me to have the baby I want so badly. There are just a couple things I want you to know before you bring it up. First, when you Continue Reading …
Time and time again I hear about expectations regarding grieving parents. We hear about how they “should” or “shouldn’t” act, what they “should” or “shouldn’t” do, what they “should” or “shouldn’t” talk about. One valuable life lesson I’ve learned is that expectations can choke the life out of even the Continue Reading …
Unsettled is one word I would use to describe my life post loss. This is not how things are supposed to be for us. I know this. I should not be fighting over stupid things with my husband. I should not be moving every year. I should not have to Continue Reading …
It’s your first baby so it’s all a bit alien to you. You listen to everyone’s advice and do everything you’re supposed to do: you stop smoking, you stop drinking, you start taking folic-acid. They constantly tell you not to worry and that you’re doing great. You go to classes, Continue Reading …
It’s a question that I ask myself quite a bit. It seems that I have changed so much in such a short span of time. It’s been 5 months since our son, Brady, passed away at 2 weeks old. In some ways, it still feels like it happened yesterday. And Continue Reading …
As a still mother for the last almost six months, I have encountered quite a few instances of awkwardness that have taught me I am the only one who can teach the world how to approach me. While awkwardness may not be the correct term to use, there are times Continue Reading …
“At least you can get pregnant.” “Everything happens for a reason.” “God has a plan for you.” I have heard these phrases more times than I can count. The words are uttered by well-intentioned people, but pierce my scarred heart as sharp as a knife’s blade every time they are Continue Reading …
Is it just me or has there been a complete barrage of pregnancy announcements lately? Good Lord, it’s like no one had anything better to do in February or March! Before we get into the thick of things, this post comes with a couple caveats: I’m not completely side-eyeing the Continue Reading …
Perspective is an authentic aspect of our existence. Perspective can be altered by the environment or experiences. We may work to change our perspective if we want to. Regardless, the only true view that we really ever have is our own; no matter how empathetic or sympathetic we try to Continue Reading …
I get it. I really do. Working in healthcare has given me a brand new insight to what it’s like to watch people you care for in pain. Suffering, hurting, in gut wrenching agony… and all you want to do is make it stop for them. Hearing the cries and Continue Reading …
Let’s talk about sex. Yes, seriously. It’s Infertility Awareness Week and it’s time we brought this subject out into the open. People who have never struggled to conceive often think that trying to conceive should be fun; “just think of all the sex you get to have!” But anyone who Continue Reading …
We’ve all had that moment; you tell someone that you don’t have living children and you hear “I completely understand, we lost our first one, too”. You feel an instant connection — finally, someone else who gets it! — but then they tell you how they have had more kids, Continue Reading …
To those who think I don’t still hurt, who feel my time mourning has an expiration date … To those that feel I should be “over it by now,” “moving on,” “writing about happier things,” “feeling better,” “snapping out of it”… To those who don’t understand why I celebrate and Continue Reading …
February 16, 2013 was the day that we found out that Jasper was a boy. We were exactly 14 weeks along and that was the soonest that this high tech, 3D/4D ultrasound place would guarantee the gender on a scan. We had already booked the day, well in advance. We Continue Reading …
This is part II of II posts on separation and love after loss. Read part I here. When autumn came, I started working and we started fighting. Like, all the time. We blamed each other for petty and terrible things alike. He couldn’t stand me. I despised him. He felt Continue Reading …
This is Part I of II posts on separation and love after loss. Please come back Wednesday to read the second part. We weren’t married, Soley’s dad and I. We wanted to be married, and we had everything — a ring, a date, and a venue — but then we had Continue Reading …
Your children make me sad. It’s not your fault. It’s not mine. It’s no one’s, really. It’s just the truth, and, as they say, the truth can hurt. I don’t mean for it to –truly — but the reality is, seeing your child smiling and running and playing and hugging Continue Reading …
Two years ago, I met a woman at a bereaved moms retreat. She was beautiful and beaming, a soothed soul, the kind of women that grief didn’t make sour. She said she didn’t want the daughter she lost during birth to be linked with anything negative; on the contrary, she wanted Continue Reading …
It’s taken me awhile to admit it, but I think losing James has made me a better person. I’m not saying I wouldn’t rather have him here. I would gladly give anything to have my son with me again. What I am saying is that since losing him so suddenly Continue Reading …
My daughter died two and a half years ago and everyday I’m fighting for her life. I’m fighting for her life to be acknowledged, to be recognized, to be remembered. For her name to be said, for her presence to be counted. I’m fighting for her, and for me as Continue Reading …
I remember hearing stories and rumors of a friend’s friend who lost a baby a few years ago. She was devastated and didn’t know what to do. She was depressed for months and didn’t talk to anyone. On the same note, no one talked to her either because they didn’t Continue Reading …
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. I was full of emotions. I was 21, and honestly I didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. I was terrified, nervous, but also blissfully happy and excited. The feelings I experienced when I Continue Reading …
Every year, as a child, I would watch the Rudolph Christmas Special. And every year, the part that really spoke to me was the Island of Misfit Toys. I think most children feel like misfits at times since there is always something different about us (wearing glasses, left-handed, red haired, Continue Reading …
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…right? Most definitely not. Not when your child has died. Just thinking about Christmas is giving me severe anxiety. Like to the point that I am shaking and sweating and feel like I am going to pass out. Christmas used to be my favorite Continue Reading …
Dear World, Please stop telling me that my baby died for a reason. I know you mean well but there is absolutely no reason that is good enough for my baby not being here. Yes I will learn from this, yes some good will come out of this, but are Continue Reading …
When I found out I was pregnant, like so many other women – I signed up various baby websites. These website had various groups including “birth boards”. I was part of two groups for January 2012 Mama’s. I remember when one woman dropped out; she had experienced a miscarriage – Continue Reading …
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting in this chair. All sense of time has been lost to me. My mind keeps flashing to him and how big he would be right now. I see him crawling on the floor and looking back at me, like he needs permission Continue Reading …
If you’re a loss mom, you’ve most likely heard the words “at least” about the death of your child. I wish it wasn’t so, but people love to try to put a pretty bow on things, even ugly unspeakably horrible things like the death of a child. They say “at Continue Reading …
No, no, no. I can hear this simple, two lettered word in my mother’s voice just as I did when she first taught me it’s meaning. It had to have been my second word, after dada. Maybe that’s why I learned it so quickly. This simple word was the first Continue Reading …
I see her. The one walking down the isle at the grocery store. The girl who looks to be about my age. She’s the one with a shopping cart full of brightly colored packages of party plates and decorations, diapers and wipes for days, a single helium balloon hovers over her Continue Reading …
Dear Friend, Congratulations. Please understand that I am trying to be happy for you. Please understand that I wish you and your baby nothing but the best. Please know that I love you. But, please also understand that when you just announced your pregnancy, my heart literally hurt. Please know Continue Reading …
Consider that this pregnancy announcement might be difficult for her We understand that for you, this pregnancy is a wonderful news that you’re excited to share with the world – and for the most part, the world will gleefully congratulate you. But remember those that will be too heartbroken to Continue Reading …
Beautiful Mother, I see you. I found you in one of those loss groups. I had been trolling the group for a while looking for anyone to whom I could connect. I desperately wanted to talk to another mother that had a similar story to mine. We found each other Continue Reading …
Maybe you wanted a perfectly natural water birth with limited pain medication, and instead you had to face the disappointment of having medical intervention and giving birth in a bed…Please take a moment to imagine the extent of the disappointment of saying goodbye to all your hopes and dreams for Continue Reading …
I keep trying to write about receiving support after the death of our precious babies – how to ask for it, how to accept it, and the difficulties of both. Instead, I find myself crying and the words get jumbled up in my head. If I had any Achilles Heel Continue Reading …
I ran into you at the post office. We did that awkward shuffle thing where neither one of us really know where to go, but we got around. I asked how you were doing and I saw the horror in your face. The memories of the baby class we both Continue Reading …
There is enough struggle in grief without having expectations on where you “should be”. The idea we need to be “happier”, “better”, “to move on” or – at times – to be sadder does not support us in our grief, but rather brings up feelings of guilt and shame. You Continue Reading …
I don’t know what she looks like, but I see her everywhere. I see her darting in and out among the kids off to school. I see her in the nighttime, tucked away in bed. I see her beside me in the car – some days quiet, too annoyed to Continue Reading …
In the wee small hours of the morning, if you listen closely, you can hear it. Silence. Silence, when there should be a baby crying for a 2 am feeding. Silence, when my husband and I should be debating whose turn it is to get up. Silence, when I should hear sweet Continue Reading …
When it comes to the feelings of jealousy, longing, spite and heartache that accompany a bereaved parent on their journey of grief, I am a veteran. I fight the daily battles, all while surrounded by people who not only have no understanding in regards to being childless, but certainly have no understanding Continue Reading …
Friends and family, I want you to know that I love when you check in on me. Just knowing you’re thinking of my angel and me can turn my whole day around. I feel your love surrounding me and am so thankful for your support, but there’s one thing I Continue Reading …
*Editor’s Note: This post was submitted to us as a guest post. We agree with much of what is said, especially about the idea of protecting the hearts of those hurting the most. We realize this may be a controversial subject, but we proudly share ideas that need to be Continue Reading …
“At least you can get pregnant.” The words were said to me on the very day that I lost my son, William. I was still in the hospital, looking out the window at the bleak, dreary world that became ever so much colder that day. I know that the statement Continue Reading …
This September my 6-year old goddaughter is starting school. She will attend a specific sports program, with training and lots of activities, I believe. Her mother kept me well informed about the preparation process, the selection of the proper school, gathering information, the entrance exam, and, now, the final steps Continue Reading …
“How are you doing?” The question is usually asked casually. The ones who really mean it say, “No, really, how are you doing?” My response has become, “Not bad.” It’s never “good” anymore. Because I’m not good. I’m not sure I will ever be good. But I’m also not bad. Continue Reading …
Dear Friend, I bet you probably think of me now as the “crazy person” who lost her baby. You know, waking up every day to the fact that my child is dead actually does make makes me feel crazy, but really, it’s just normal grief. I know you can’t understand, but Continue Reading …
Someone recently asked me if there was any one thing, one most important thing, I would ask of people around the death and grief of my daughters’ deaths. I was surprised at how easily my answer came – there are so many things I could say, but this quickly arose Continue Reading …
One of the first things that crossed my mind after the loss of my only child was the answering of the invasive, rude and inappropriate questions people ask in passing. I had already dealt with them for a decade but in a much different way than I was about to Continue Reading …
I think at some point, all Still Mothers have told a friend, acquaintance, etc, that we cannot have living children and have been tossed the “oh! Mine are terrors, you can have mine” line. Ugh! I’ve tried to be educational and yet honest and bluntly tell people that their statement hurts me. Continue Reading …
First published on my blog. *Editor’s Note: Living child mentioned and shown (a family friend). I kept her alive. Of course it took the both of us to make her, that afternoon in his small student room, and from that moment he was always there, and he always loved her. Continue Reading …
Today I would like to discuss some questions with you. Questions whose answers may seem evident to others, but are not easy for me. Time and time again I come across them from well-meaning others, and face the difficulties they involve. By now I have learnt to speak about my Continue Reading …
She would have been your first friend nearly your sister almost a twin. You illumined the winter solstice our cycles of hope and despair, and I cried with joy and sorrow and longing. One more intricate try for me in the dead of winter – she was there. I gave Continue Reading …
Today I have been to a birthday party. My goddaughter’s birthday, who turns 6 tomorrow. This is a date I have dreaded for 5 years now. When she was born I had had no idea yet about my pregnancy. She is approximately 7 months older than my son would be, Continue Reading …
One year ago, on May 10th, Still Mother’s went live. Our vision for a place to support all loss mothers with no living children came into being. Many months of hard work – writing, planning, creating, and designing – all came together in a lovely way, and we began on a Continue Reading …
Walking through the stores lately, everything is all about Mother’s Day. It’s like a punch in the stomach when your child is dead. Does anyone remember that I am a mother too? My son doesn’t walk this earth with me, but I am still a mother…..right? Yes, I am. We Continue Reading …
A couple of weeks ago, my almost 93 year old grandma passed away. During her last years she became smaller and smaller, more fragile and more distant every day. It was difficult and painful to see her suffer so much, to see how the physical conditions of her life became Continue Reading …
It’s hard, I imagine, to really understand the pain and longings of an invisible mother – a mother without any living children. To understand the unbelievable ache to hold the child you love with every beat of your heart. The idea of having one’s only or all their children die Continue Reading …
The moment Addison’s father and I decided to go our different ways I realized how hard meeting someone else was going to really be. Dating is hard to begin with but here I am, forever attached to my ex, always talking about my baby, which is his baby too. It takes Continue Reading …
Being at work can be a challenge as a Still Mother. I manage a small sports therapy clinic, and overseeing the ins and outs keeps me pretty occupied. Most days I can just worry about regular office stuff, but occasionally some personal trials come up within my workday, one of which still throw Continue Reading …
*Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on Chloë’s blog, here. “It is better to light a candle, than to curse the darkness.” I started to blog for two reasons : first, because I thought the love I shared with my daughter was a story worth telling. Second, because I was living in an oncology Continue Reading …
It took me quite a while to find a proper topic for this post. With the Christmas season just ending and the emotional stress it brought, nothing seemed appropriate enough. Because what else can be said? I’m pretty sure there have been moments for each of us that we can Continue Reading …
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Maya Angelou Last month should have been the 18th birthday for my oldest daughter; a big part of me can’t really believe my first loss was that long ago. How is it possible that she should have been Continue Reading …
*Original version published here. What do people really mean when they say, You are so strong? You are so brave? They mean: You are different than most. Different than them. They say maybe you are somehow better equipped to deal with this tragedy. (Perhaps it’s no coincidence it happened to your family). Continue Reading …
Relationships are hard after loss. To add to the struggle of losing a child, you witness your partner go through it first hand. You can’t help it, stop it, save them from it, spare them – nada. It’s a heart wrenching experience tacked onto the tail end of the worst Continue Reading …
Think back to the last time you flew in a plane; do you remember the flight attendant giving the safety instructions? One instruction is that if the oxygen masks drop, you need to put your own mask on before helping anyone else. If you don’t save your own life, you Continue Reading …
“I don’t get why you can’t be happy for others. I just don’t get it. Why do you have to make it about you ? Life goes on.” I’m so tired of needing to raise awareness, to explain, to educate. To teach, even though I’m a teacher. But it seems Continue Reading …
by Lindsay S Looking back over the years, I find there are different aspects surrounding my loss that grab my attention. More recently I see my dog Evelyn in a new light. She’s a sassy little terrier with a heart of gold who at the age of one went through the loss with Continue Reading …
By Lindsey S On March 30, 2009, aged 26, I lost my identity and future. My son Desmond was full term stillborn for no ascertainable reason after a textbook pregnancy, or so the medical report tells me. It took years to get to a point of accepting there would be Continue Reading …
Hello Still Mothers, I’m sure we don’t need to tell you it was Father’s Day this past weekend*. It was a tough weekend for us as Still Parents…another day that’s not at all how it should be. We hope it was a gentle as possible for you. We had lots Continue Reading …
He is someone who loves a child, long before they exist. He is someone who hopes for a child. He is someone who prepares for a child. He is someone who sacrifices for a child. He is someone who is overjoyed to see two pink lines. He is someone who Continue Reading …
My son died suddenly and unexpectedly when he was only 9 days old. We could tell something was wrong with our precious baby at around 5:30am, he seemed pale. He had his doctor’s appointment scheduled at 8:30 that morning, but we decided that my husband was going to go ahead and Continue Reading …
Father’s Day is an odd day in my world. I’m grateful that I still have my father, whom I adore, and I have fun finding both silly and sweet cards for him and making sure to talk with him on the phone that day (since he lives 1200 miles away). Continue Reading …
Dear David, I see you. I see you my love. I see when you look just a little too long at her picture on the wall. I see how your heart aches when you can’t find the right words to comfort me. I watch your face go hallow when you’re Continue Reading …
It’s the same every year until it isn’t. I never dreamt my husband would celebrate Father’s Day without his child, without his baby girl. Now here we are approaching his second Father’s Day; still with no living children and him longing for his baby girl. To be honest I thought Continue Reading …
Grieving is something that can be very hard on a couple. In many cases, grieving the loss of a child can tear a marriage apart. That being said, it is important for both parties to work together and realize that supporting each other and joining together in this difficult time Continue Reading …
I am a mother, but I have no living children. I have two daughters that I grieve for and miss every day. I always will. Their loss is the greatest sorrow of my life. It’s challenging, at times, to live in a world that doesn’t want to recognize their lives. Continue Reading …
Growing up as a guy always has its challenges when it comes to celebrating days that revolve around a female. When you’re little your parents handle all those things. I had 2 sisters so whenever they had a birthday or something I never really “got them” anything (mostly because I Continue Reading …
For couples who have lost a child, holidays can be very difficult. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day can be particular difficult times. It is hard to figure out how to navigate this particular day as nothing is as it was supposed to be. For me as a man, one of Continue Reading …
