Today, my daughter told me she loves me. She wrapped herself around me and was warm to the touch. I stroked my fingers through the length of her hair. We sat together in silence. Her breath grazing across my face. I closed my eyes and for the first time she Continue Reading …
After having five miscarriages, there are a lot of dates on the calendar to dread. There are loss anniversaries, due dates that didn’t come to be, real holidays and greeting card holidays that can all make me feel like I am drowning in grief again. But August, though it has Continue Reading …
So many people have told me “you’re so strong.” Sometimes I want to punch them, but most of the time I just shrug and tell them that I don’t have any other choice. My husband repeatedly tells me that I do, in fact, have a choice. I could choose to Continue Reading …
There are many struggles that arise from being a still mother, this is no secret. But besides the guilt, the longing, the emptiness and the feelings of “what if”, I frequently face the struggle of feeling like a “less-than” mom. What exactly is a “less-than” mom, most would ask. Well, Continue Reading …
I could not find the words this August; the 4th August without our son and starting of the 5th year without him. I don’t want to force the words out of me and thought instead that I should just note that the words have escaped me the same way that Continue Reading …
A letter to the old, pregnant me from my new grieving, loving, emotional self: Dear Kelly, I know you are consumed with worry right now. You are afraid this pregnancy will turn out like the first when you did not come home carrying a child in your arms. Instead you Continue Reading …
It’s a question that I ask myself quite a bit. It seems that I have changed so much in such a short span of time. It’s been 5 months since our son, Brady, passed away at 2 weeks old. In some ways, it still feels like it happened yesterday. And Continue Reading …
Losing a baby or being unable to conceive one is traumatic for both mind and body. Most women blame their bodies in some way, because it feels like something that should be within our control. Carrying a baby is natural, right? I mean, it’s arguably what the female body is Continue Reading …
Still Mother. Two words I never thought would ever be used to describe me. One day, you’re living your life, preparing for arguably the most exciting and life-changing milestone and then, death steps in. I can’t speak for others who have suffered a loss similar to mine, because the fact Continue Reading …
As a still mother for the last almost six months, I have encountered quite a few instances of awkwardness that have taught me I am the only one who can teach the world how to approach me. While awkwardness may not be the correct term to use, there are times Continue Reading …
Recently, I was part of a conversation where I felt like I had been invalidated – dismissed. We were discussing our concerns over a colleague’s spouse, and it was said, “well, she has her children”. I just sat there, blinking. Everyone seemed to truly believe our mutual friend would only Continue Reading …
Here I sit, reflecting on this day last month; another Independence Day come and gone. The 4th of July was very surreal for us last year. Elijah had been laid to rest on June 30th. Just days later, we found ourselves sitting in a park that coincidentally overlooks the same Continue Reading …
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. If someone would have told me to make a list of all of the possible scenarios of how my life would have unfolded, I couldn’t have imagined this in my wildest thoughts. Trying for 10 years to get pregnant. Being told by Continue Reading …
