As we grow from children into adulthood we begin to choose the different roads we will go down. Some may choose straight, constructive paths, while others choose winding paths of self-destruction. And as we gain our independence, we feel that we have control of the paths we choose to take. Continue Reading …
As I write this, we’ve entered the seventh month without our baby girl. Most days I look around and don’t recognize how I got here. I no longer spend hours crumpled up on the floor or thrown on the bed shaking, soaked in sweat and tears. Yet I would be Continue Reading …
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. I was full of emotions. I was 21, and honestly I didn’t know the first thing about being a mother. I was terrified, nervous, but also blissfully happy and excited. The feelings I experienced when I Continue Reading …
Being a still mother, is being a strange type of lonely. The closest thing I can compare it to is something that most people experienced at least once as a child: That moment when you were small and in a crowded store with your parent, then suddenly something that you Continue Reading …
This time last year, I was six months pregnant and celebrating my first Christmas as a Mom. Every ounce of me bubbling over with anticipation at the prospect of all the future family traditions and whimsical Christmas mornings we would experience with our little girl. The holidays had taken on Continue Reading …
Today is Christmas Eve. Once, it used to be one of my favourite days of the year, now it’s one of the most dreaded ones. I can still recall the hopes, dreams, lights and the magic which used to surround the whole day and evening. Until six years ago, that Continue Reading …
For the first few months after losing Jensen, I wasn’t able to listen to music. It was a huge trigger since Jensen would kick and dance to every song he heard. There were so many silent days, which ended up making me feel worse. So, I started listening to it Continue Reading …
We dug the cardboard boxes out of their basement hiding places. Your aunt and I started pulling ornaments one by one out of the boxes to hang on our newly erected Christmas tree. “Oh, this is for when we moved into our house,” I recalled, holding up a house key-shaped ornament with Continue Reading …
Every year, as a child, I would watch the Rudolph Christmas Special. And every year, the part that really spoke to me was the Island of Misfit Toys. I think most children feel like misfits at times since there is always something different about us (wearing glasses, left-handed, red haired, Continue Reading …
It’s the most wonderful time of the year…right? Most definitely not. Not when your child has died. Just thinking about Christmas is giving me severe anxiety. Like to the point that I am shaking and sweating and feel like I am going to pass out. Christmas used to be my favorite Continue Reading …
Dear World, Please stop telling me that my baby died for a reason. I know you mean well but there is absolutely no reason that is good enough for my baby not being here. Yes I will learn from this, yes some good will come out of this, but are Continue Reading …
This time of year has unexpectedly been very hard for me. I never anticipated how much my heart would throb in anticipation of the holiday season. I’m in a much different place this year than I expected to be. Last October, I found out I was pregnant for the second Continue Reading …
When I found out I was pregnant, like so many other women – I signed up various baby websites. These website had various groups including “birth boards”. I was part of two groups for January 2012 Mama’s. I remember when one woman dropped out; she had experienced a miscarriage – Continue Reading …
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting in this chair. All sense of time has been lost to me. My mind keeps flashing to him and how big he would be right now. I see him crawling on the floor and looking back at me, like he needs permission Continue Reading …
The Christmas of 2012 was our favorite and happiest Christmas to date. We had learned early in the month that we were finally expecting our first child. I was practically bed ridden with morning sickness and fatigue but I had no worries in the world. The gift theme was pretty Continue Reading …
It’s here, again: the red, green, silver and gold. The twinkling lights and distant sound of bells. It’s here. The holidays have once again overtaken the earth. And this year, it all seems so obscurely out of reach. Just beyond the horizon. That thing called “happiness”. The children had their Continue Reading …
