It has been seven years since I became a mother, and I have done every kind of Mothers day. From the devastated, to denying the day exists, to the keeping it together for the other moms around me, back to denial, and everything in between. This year is different – I Continue Reading …
It’s coming…I can feel it. (Insert the threatening music here). I know it’s coming, I don’t need to look at the calendar for confirmation. My moods are all over the map, I’m sensitive and feeling things deeply. I swear, the woman at the bank with a stroller – she smirked Continue Reading …
Often, especially in the Baby Loss community, someone will mention a living child and say the phrase “my reason for going on”. Now, logically – key word is logically – I’m aware there is no hurt or slight intended to me, as a Still Mother: A woman who does not Continue Reading …
It’s hard, I imagine, to really understand the pain and longings of an invisible mother – a mother without any living children. To understand the unbelievable ache to hold the child you love with every beat of your heart. The idea of having one’s only or all their children die Continue Reading …
Sometimes, three years after losing Thomas, I feel like I’m a walking, talking grief expert. There are so many things that I don’t understand or know about – math, astronomy, chemistry, physics – all of those subjects I draw a blank. Grief, though…grief is sadly, very much in my wheelhouse. Continue Reading …
Another day Another week Another month Almost a full year without you Another quiet morning at home Another lunch date for two Another sleepless night Almost a full year of silence Another pregnancy announcement Another baby shower invitation Another birth announcement Almost a full year of constant tears Another abrupt Continue Reading …
The first trip my husband and I took after Thomas died, I was very excited about. It had been a horrible 6 months of grief, sickness, recovery and the emotional roller coaster that goes along with the first year, after a loss. I packed my bag, looking forward to four days Continue Reading …
I have been seeing more memorial posts on Facebook lately inviting loss parents to share their children’s names. While I love that these children are being recognized, I feel a little awkward and almost guilty when I skip over those posts and don’t respond personally. Maybe some of you with Continue Reading …
After Griffin died, I was in a very dark place. I thought there was nothing left in this life, nothing good left for me. Everything felt bleak. In January of last year, I was inspired to start a happiness jar. At the end of each day, I wrote down a Continue Reading …
by Shannon Shpak I dreamed of you last night. The sunlight streamed down on your face, your arms held wide and your head thrown back in abandon. I could hear your laugh again and I felt the touch of your hands patting my face as they always did. It felt like Continue Reading …
*Editors Note: This guest post offers one mother’s perspective on healing and finding peace after loss. It may be triggering for some. If the concept of “choosing healing/happiness/peace” is upsetting to you, please read with caution, or simply skip this post. ~ “There is only one way to learn It’s Continue Reading …
New Year’s is one of my favorite holidays. I love the sense of a fresh start, the chance to review the good and the bad of the previous year and consider what I want to create in the next year. Even though I know it’s an arbitrary date on a Continue Reading …
I know who I was then, and I remember who I wanted to become. We would have children; one for sure, and maybe more. We would be a family, make family memories and share what we knew, make sure our children felt loved. All that was before. Before the crisis, the Continue Reading …
It’s been nine long months since I said hello and goodbye to Elliot. It’s been nine long months since I last heard her heartbeat. It’s been nine long months since I thought I was bringing home my healthy, full term baby. I’ve had nine months to prepare for today, my first Christmas Continue Reading …
This post was written as part of the UPLIFT series, by Carly Marie. Learn more, and get connected. It originally appeared on our sister site, Still Standing Magazine. ________________________________________________________________________________ Growing up, Christmas was a wonderful time. It was twinkling lights, sparkling bulbs, wintery pine, and shiny packages with swirling ribbons. It Continue Reading …
You are my first thought in the morning. You are my very last thought before I fall asleep. You are the light along this dim path. You are the one who taught me the meaning of true love. You are everything that is right in the world. You are Continue Reading …
Christmas was never a good holiday for me growing up. It was always more hassle than what it was worth (coming from a divorced family it was stressful at the best of times). I’ll admit when I got pregnant I was excited for the coming winter holidays. I’d have my Continue Reading …
The holidays are never easy for those of us who are survivors of infertility, pregnancy loss or infant loss. For me, it is in the endless wonder… What toys would they have loved playing with this year? What would our holiday card have looked like? What would it have been Continue Reading …
There isn’t a minute that goes by without missing my daughter. She is constantly on my mind and I wish she were here, every second of every day. But I have found there are certain moments, memories, that cause me to miss her even more than usual… When I Continue Reading …
I feel like I have written variations of these words hundreds of times over the last few years; too many times I have typed them to online friends who have just lost their child in pregnancy or stillbirth. I strive to find the right words to comfort the newly bereaved, Continue Reading …
It’s finally here, my first Thanksgiving without my daughter. I’ve been dreading this day for months. Eight months, to be exact. Like most other holidays and events, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what it will be like without my daughter. Utterly heartbreaking are the words that always Continue Reading …
Relationships are hard after loss. To add to the struggle of losing a child, you witness your partner go through it first hand. You can’t help it, stop it, save them from it, spare them – nada. It’s a heart wrenching experience tacked onto the tail end of the worst Continue Reading …
by Louise Botterill Dear Brave Mama, For some of us, chasing the (seemingly never ending) dream of having another baby after loss can be so encompassing that it interferes with the life we already have. We become so caught up in chasing the unattainable that what’s right in front of Continue Reading …
The celebration of Saint Martin’s day is a special Venetian tradition. On the 11th of November the children in Venice, Italy stroll from one square to another, passing through the streets, the calle – as the are called in Venice-, armed with dishes and lids, and ask for some coins Continue Reading …
I’m not sure when it happened. I spent so many years living with the terrible ache and grief accompanied by the thought, “How can I still be here, alive and breathing, while my baby is dead?” It was a question that rippled through my life causing waves of grief and Continue Reading …
My life, though wonderful in more ways than one, does not look exactly how I pictured it when I was growing up. Life is not, however much we wish for it to be, a fairy tale. We don’t live lives like Cinderella, where all of our troubles go away when Continue Reading …
It seems awkward to make myself think about pregnancy and infant loss awareness month only because it is something I have been unconsciously doing daily for six years now. Every morning my eyes open and I don’t see my son – I am aware. In the past years I have avoided Continue Reading …
When you lose your beloved child, finding purpose is one of the most difficult tasks you must face, in my opinion. When you lose your child, no matter when or how, your life suddenly becomes meaningless and purposeless. For a certain period of time your whole life comes to a halt. Continue Reading …
Most of our closest friends have three kids. Three! Three seems to be the new 2.5 kids in our culture. We love those big families of five even if sometimes we look at each on our way to the childless quiet of our home and say to one another, “Man, three kids! Continue Reading …
There is comfort to be found in things, when memories are so volatile, fleeting, unattainable. My daughter lived for eleven months, yet it sometimes feels like a dream, and left me wondering whether it really happened. I can’t remember her unique smell, the facial expressions that were hers only, the Continue Reading …
by Angie Every day is a struggle for loss mothers. And it seems the majority of these women are comforted by the loving support of their partners. Others are in the unique position of losing their child and having no partner to share their experience with. I am one of those women. Continue Reading …
A few weeks ago I finally held the print copy of my book, Invisible Mothers, in my hands, this beautiful book that I have worked so hard to write and create over the last 2 years. I was excited, nervous, giddy with anticipation, and painfully sad. I am so deeply Continue Reading …
By Lori Davis Sometimes my thoughts are neatly wrapped together and easy to articulate. And then there are days like today, when they feel a little jumbled and messy. That’s how grief works. It’s complex and confusing. There is no rhyme or reason to the ups and downs. It just is. I Continue Reading …
In those first dark days you will find yourself asking, “What is the point”? Everything that once seemed so important will lose all meaning. What is the point of getting out of bed, showering, eating? Much less, working, making a home, or planning for the future! Your world has been Continue Reading …
When our twin boys, Damon and Drazan, died last May 21, my husband and I were sent reeling. And it was in this condition that we were expected to make some pretty important decisions: to bury or cremate…? Do we baptize them, or…? What kind of service should we…? It all felt Continue Reading …
by Lindsay S Looking back over the years, I find there are different aspects surrounding my loss that grab my attention. More recently I see my dog Evelyn in a new light. She’s a sassy little terrier with a heart of gold who at the age of one went through the loss with Continue Reading …
by Lori Davis I often think about the “old” me vs. the “new” me. I have changed in so many ways since giving birth to my daughter at the end of March. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant. I knew my life was about to change and Continue Reading …
My child died, now what? The first few weeks after my son died, I had absolutely no idea what to do. My whole life was turned upside down. The whole summer that I thought I would be on maternity leave, breastfeeding, taking Micah on walks, going to visit Daddy at Continue Reading …
When I was younger, I never thought about having kids. I thought about my career and getting married someday, about where I wanted to live and the difference I wanted to make in the world, about the places I wanted to see and the experiences I wanted to have. Having Continue Reading …
I am sitting on my couch looking at what seems like a mess on my ottoman. It isn’t really a mess, exactly. It’s just unfinished. A couple months ago, a dear friend invited me to a very special event for bereaved mothers – we were making memory boxes together. It Continue Reading …
Dear New Mama, This is hard. So very hard. You expected to be holding your beautiful, warm, breathing, wiggly baby in your arms. You expected sweet baby scent and the joys of tiny baby fingers and toes. You expected diaper changes, midnight feedings, and proudly introducing your beautiful little one Continue Reading …
It’s been just over 18 months since my sweet baby girl Hannah passed away. She is my first and only child. It’s been a painful journey and I’ve learned so much. I know I have so much more to learn, but I only wish I didn’t have a reason to. Continue Reading …
For several years after my first daughter died, every time I looked in the mirror it was like looking at a stranger. I would look at my reflection and think, “I don’t know you. Who are you?” Even now, twelve years Grace’s stillbirth, I still occasionally look at my reflection Continue Reading …
Remember when the world held endless possibilities. Remember when dreams could come true. Remember when miracles happen. Remember when we saw the word “pregnant” in a way we never had before. Remember when we fell in love. Remember when we felt blessed. Remember when we felt safe. Remember when we Continue Reading …
By Lindsey S On March 30, 2009, aged 26, I lost my identity and future. My son Desmond was full term stillborn for no ascertainable reason after a textbook pregnancy, or so the medical report tells me. It took years to get to a point of accepting there would be Continue Reading …
Let yourself cry. Let it out. Sob until you can’t take it anymore. Allow yourself to break down. Wail. Scream. Punch your pillow. Let it out! This is my advice for you, to help yourself heal. This is one of the things that has helped in my healing. A person who Continue Reading …
I am continually surprised at just when and how the effects of grief and loss suddenly pop up and knock me off my feet, even after so many years of living with it. A simple rear-ending. Someone got distracted and hit me from behind. Well, my third hit from behind Continue Reading …
One of my biggest obstacles since losing my son a year ago is the feelings of jealousy. I’m jealous of women who are pregnant, because they are excited about the future and have a precious miracle growing inside them. I’m jealous of women who aren’t ready to try for children Continue Reading …
I am guilty. I’m guilty of judging every woman who’s pregnant with ease. I’m guilty of holding my niece and wishing she was mine. I’m guilty of avoiding baby showers and birthday parties. I’m guilty of glaring at swollen bellies with hatred. I’m guilty of staring at babies around her age – Continue Reading …
If my daughter had lived, she would be 12 years old. She would be dealing with the challenges of middle school girls, heading fast into her teenage years, figuring out who she is as a young person, and, if she was anything like her mother, determined to do everything her Continue Reading …
I didn’t think anything of it when the text message popped up last week. It was from a friend that I hadn’t spoken to in a while. “Hey. I wanted to say thanks for reaching out to me last week.” While I was on vacation, I drove past a place that Continue Reading …
No one likes to lose. It is part of our human nature to want to win. We are taught to be competitive, to always do our best. And while there is nothing wrong with trying to win, we must also learn to lose. In every competition, someone loses. Whether it’s Continue Reading …
By the time I left work on Thursday my head was hurting and I was in no mood to cook. So my husband and I headed over to our favorite pizza buffet; I just wanted to eat and go home in peace. We got in line, then I saw her Continue Reading …
I am broken. You are broken. We are broken. Some of us…some of us are shattered. Some are so shattered that every time we exhale all we can do is watch the dust of ourselves blow away. As much as we try and grasp at that dust, try to catch Continue Reading …
When I found out I was pregnant, it was as if my entire life started to revolve around my son, Micah. I worried about him constantly (even before I knew he was a “him”). When I drove, I thought about Micah. When I sneezed, would it hurt Micah? Every time Continue Reading …
As Still Mothers, RaeAnne and I are painfully aware of how difficult life can be without our beloved children. We know that life feels incredibly empty a lot of the time, and that it is hard to find meaning when our motherhood – a very large part of the identities Continue Reading …
