Recently, I had a professional experience in which someone intentionally utilized my blogs about Kendall as a way to discredit me. The implication was that because I suffered through losing a baby, particularly without the love and support of his father, I must have a bias toward men. Although some may believe this is true, in my case, it is not. And the implication itself can have a rippling effect for many, many others who deserve support and protection, not judgement and harassment.

The experience shook me deeply, stunted my writing and honestly scared me a little. It also reminded me of that initial horrible night in the ER. I was emotionally shoved back to the place of sadness and fear that only isolation can breed and maintain. My personal experience that the time I was more vulnerable than I had ever felt, as an adult, coincided with the time I felt most alone and unprotected.

There were no arms to hold me and keep anyone’s harsh words or judgements away. No other parent to wander the minefield of grief with and shout warnings that I was about to step in the direction of a life altering explosion. I had all of these overwhelming and confusing feelings swirling around that were hard to understand and impossible to shake. I felt completely exposed and wounded. I was lost in ways I never imagined and there was no voice to be a compass offering any direction or help. I felt terrified and unsafe.

I had become “one of those people”. One of those people who live through, or die from horrible things. You know, those people who are involved in plane crashes, or are diagnosed with terminal illnesses. I became one of those people we all look at and think “I could never survive that” or “how do they do it?”. I was her. I was frightfully alone and more sad than I could describe. I was certain if I did not work hard and focus on grief and navigating it, I would die. Either because I chose that path or my soul and body simply gave out in overwhelm. That fear and vulnerability only increasing with the absence of protection and companionship.

But 20 years later, I sit here typing, with the knowledge that although I was without a partner in my grief, I was not totally alone. I had support group companions, a few friends and family who walked with me and a faith in a higher power that I grew closer to through this journey. But 20 years later I also am navigating a time in my life where I am alone, without a partner, this time the partner I believed was my life partner. And I am once again vulnerable and scared. But this time, this time, I have a map and a companion. I have my past walk through the worst grief of my life that has taught me I can survive anything. And I have an angel son & higher power that remind me, when I need it most, that I am never completely alone.

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Beth Ann Morhardt

Beth Ann Morhardt is an Empowerment Specialist, specializing in domestic violence and its impact on children and parenting. She is Mom to an angel baby named Kendall who she lost via miscarriage in 1998. After much grief and healing work, soul searching and deep reflection she chose not to have other children. While this was often misunderstood by others as a reaction to losing Kendall, for her it was an empowered decision based in love. Being a Mom with no living children allows her to be available and open to being the proud aunt to two of the coolest kids on the planet (and that is not in any way bias, it is simply true). As she navigated the grief and healing journey of Kendall’s loss she was inspired to dig deeper under the pain and begin to look at all areas of her life in which she could live more truthfully. Through this Beth Ann chose to speak of childhood sexual abuse she survived and kept silent about for over thirty years. This choice has allowed her to walk in authenticity and healing in ways she never imagined, never mind hoped for. Walking in authenticity and truth is not always easy. Often the path looks more like an obstacle course than a paved walkway but there is no greater feeling at the end of the day than knowing you lived each moment present and authentically. Read more on her blog, Indeeditistime.

Latest posts by Beth Ann Morhardt (see all)

• Sharing My Truth - August 27, 2019
• Giving Back - April 1, 2019
• One Day, It Will Feel Safe To Begin To Peek Out & Explore - February 18, 2019