October 20th will mark what would have been Kendall’s 20th Birthday. Yet, like every other year, there will be no celebration. There will be moments of reflection and some tears. There will be lingering “if onlys” and “what ifs”. And there will be many moments of loneliness and solitude. Some of the solitude I choose. Having not ever let anyone (other than my Mom and one dear friend) into the deepest, most loving and grieving space of loss, I am most comfortable by myself. Yet, as life and time go on, I wonder if that comfort in solitude now, is the result of having no option then.

I have read and learned that many couples do not stay together after the loss of a baby or a child and I can intellectually understand why that happens. But having been single and alone when I navigated the worst of the grief, I have craved having someone to hold me and love me through the dark valleys of soul-level wailing and despair. I have prayed and wished for the arms of a man who loved me to be wrapped around me while I spill the unspoken words that grew inside me when Kendall stopped growing. Yet, when I had those arms belonging to a man I love and trust more than any other I still could only let him in so far. I was unable to trust him with the full package of pain that dwells within me still and may forever. I did not know how to trust him and now it is irrelevant. Love, as amazing and beautiful as it is, is not always enough. And so this year, as I wander toward this tough time of year, I am doing so alone. My brain is grateful. It says “yup, we know how to do this”. We got this, just like we always do.

But this year, for the first time, I feel brave enough to share it all. I am open to allowing someone, a particularly wonderful someone into that space. And yet, due to the damage that being left alone four days after losing Kendall caused, I was unable to trust him or myself enough to do that. And that is okay. It is not ideal or good, positive or helpful. It simply is what it is, what it has been and what it might always be. It sucks! I want to find some poetic or peaceful way to describe the time leading up to Kendall’s 20th Birthday. But this year, I do not have that. It is hard but it is okay. I am okay. I am more than okay actually. I am open to whatever this anniversary will bring. I am trusting The Universe, as I have learned to do so, without doubt. I have learned that when I walk my journey in trust that what comes my way will support my highest purpose I live more calmly.

Tears will flow. Aches will happen. Breaths will come short and shattered as memories reappear with clarity and sharpness that only major anniversaries can cause. I will have time at the ocean, it always helps. I will ask for what I need, when I know what that is and I will honor the marking of two decades as Kendall’s Mom and the gifts he brought me. I will do that for him. I will do that for me. I will do that alone, the only way I know how. Yet, I will be wishing this year, more than the other 19, that it was not that way.

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Beth Ann Morhardt

Beth Ann Morhardt is an Empowerment Specialist, specializing in domestic violence and its impact on children and parenting. She is Mom to an angel baby named Kendall who she lost via miscarriage in 1998. After much grief and healing work, soul searching and deep reflection she chose not to have other children. While this was often misunderstood by others as a reaction to losing Kendall, for her it was an empowered decision based in love. Being a Mom with no living children allows her to be available and open to being the proud aunt to two of the coolest kids on the planet (and that is not in any way bias, it is simply true). As she navigated the grief and healing journey of Kendall’s loss she was inspired to dig deeper under the pain and begin to look at all areas of her life in which she could live more truthfully. Through this Beth Ann chose to speak of childhood sexual abuse she survived and kept silent about for over thirty years. This choice has allowed her to walk in authenticity and healing in ways she never imagined, never mind hoped for. Walking in authenticity and truth is not always easy. Often the path looks more like an obstacle course than a paved walkway but there is no greater feeling at the end of the day than knowing you lived each moment present and authentically. Read more on her blog, Indeeditistime.

Latest posts by Beth Ann Morhardt (see all)

• Sharing My Truth - August 27, 2019
• Giving Back - April 1, 2019
• One Day, It Will Feel Safe To Begin To Peek Out & Explore - February 18, 2019