What makes a mother, well, a mother? A mother… Prepares for her child’s arrival. Bonds with her child. Dreams about her child’s future. Hopes to give her child the very best she can. Protects her child. Worries about her child. Speaks her child’s name freely. Tells others about her child. Continue Reading …
Recently, I was asked what makes me, me. Who am I? I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a cousin and a niece. I am a lifelong learner. I am a college graduate. I am a homeowner. I am substitute teacher. I am a role model. I Continue Reading …
Last year this day was the best and worst of your life. This is the day you entered your still motherhood. It will be a day you never, ever forget. You did it. The baby you helped grow and nurture every day of his life was born. He was perfect Continue Reading …
As a mother, I’m constantly putting other people’s needs before mine. If someone needs me to come over and help, I drop whatever I’m doing to make sure they’re all set. When I get a text that a person needs support as I’m crying my eyes out, I dry my Continue Reading …
Last year on Valentine’s Day, I was gifted by waking up with Jensen rolling around in my belly. In the evening, his father and I went to dinner and I was given beautiful flowers, a loving card, and a coloring book. We talked about how much fun it would be Continue Reading …
**This is part II of II. Read part I here. I never got to tell him goodbye. It’s been about eight months since he was born and taken into the room next to me. In the beginning, I was very hard on myself about my decision. I can remember lying Continue Reading …
I didn’t hold my son. When I found out his heart had stopped beating, I couldn’t think straight. Honestly, I didn’t believe the doctor when he told me. This didn’t happen to people in this century, especially at thirty-eight weeks. We had made it through the safe periods, it couldn’t Continue Reading …
For the first few months after losing Jensen, I wasn’t able to listen to music. It was a huge trigger since Jensen would kick and dance to every song he heard. There were so many silent days, which ended up making me feel worse. So, I started listening to it Continue Reading …
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting in this chair. All sense of time has been lost to me. My mind keeps flashing to him and how big he would be right now. I see him crawling on the floor and looking back at me, like he needs permission Continue Reading …
There’s a widely accepted story about why today is called Black Friday. A hundred or so years ago, bookkeepers would keep track of losses in red ink and profits in black. Throughout most of the year, the books would be filled with red, until the day after Thanksgiving. As people Continue Reading …
No, no, no. I can hear this simple, two lettered word in my mother’s voice just as I did when she first taught me it’s meaning. It had to have been my second word, after dada. Maybe that’s why I learned it so quickly. This simple word was the first Continue Reading …
He would have been a lion this year: curious, brave, and so cute. For his first Halloween, we would wait to have trick-or-treaters smile at him as we passed out candy on the porch. Their parents and I would exclaim how perfect each other’s kids’ costumes were. We would smile Continue Reading …
I ran into you at the post office. We did that awkward shuffle thing where neither one of us really know where to go, but we got around. I asked how you were doing and I saw the horror in your face. The memories of the baby class we both Continue Reading …
Friends and family, I want you to know that I love when you check in on me. Just knowing you’re thinking of my angel and me can turn my whole day around. I feel your love surrounding me and am so thankful for your support, but there’s one thing I Continue Reading …
Since losing Jensen almost four months ago, I’ve become a completely different mother than I ever planned. One lesson I’ve learned is nothing will ever be the same. Most days it’s hard to get out of bed. The days where I do feel a little bit of strength, I push myself, Continue Reading …
When I was a little girl, I believed in unicorns, happily ever after’s, and that every birthday wish came true. I can remember the cake being put right in front of my face, with one more candle from the year before. Each year I didn’t think I’d be able to Continue Reading …
Grief is usually described in two ways: a crazy line graph or the waves of an ocean. At first I tended to relate more to the scribbled mess of the the graph. It was black and white, had the path going everywhere, and there was always an endpoint. I used Continue Reading …
My bedside table overflows with books on grief and baby loss, tissues, and cold tea from the night before. They each comfort me before I have the task of making myself fall asleep. As I walk over to my boyfriend’s side of the bed, I’m surprised to see what’s on Continue Reading …
