On the tragic day that Jack Teigen-Legend lost his life, I woke to a very kind text. My friend was warning me the news was covered with details of the Teigen-Legend loss and she wanted to warn me, in case it stirred up feelings of the day Thomas died. I Continue Reading …
Well, the world has pretty much gone insane and it is my goal to write this post without using the words “unprecedented times”. Because I hear those words so often; I feel like it could be a drinking game and as someone who can’t drink alcohol, I can’t tell you Continue Reading …
It’s that time of year again, where my Facebook memories from 2012 cryptically allude to my pregnancy. We hadn’t announced, yet – soon, but reading back I’m well aware what time it was. Why I had so many appointments, why I was so very tired. When grief was fresh and Continue Reading …
We are midway through January; keeping with the zeal of New Year’s resolutions and hope – I’m on a real organization kick in my house. Which means I’m unearthing all sorts of crazy things that I don’t even want to wonder how I acquired – like ten (TEN!) boxes of Continue Reading …
I thought today would be different. Isn’t that cute? Six years of mourning and I thought it would be different. Six years ago today, we interred Thomas’ ashes; it was a grey, windy, cold day – the day before we observe Remembrance Day, in Canada. I thought it was fitting, Continue Reading …
I’m approaching my 6th year as a loss mom; which is a bit crazy – it means some how, some way, I have survived the past 6 years, even though Thomas didn’t. I never would have imagined surviving that first hour; let alone 6 years. What I have realized lately, Continue Reading …
I have been following the news, much like I’m sure many of you are, the Mama Orca is on her 16th day of carrying her deceased baby. A world wide marine mourning; that every bereaved mother understands with a heavy heart. I wish I could join her. I wish I Continue Reading …
I’m starting to get annoyed. Yup, you’ve been warned. Six years since we buried Thomas; and many years since I let go of the dream of raising a living child, I have had a lot of therapy. I have had time to process, to feel my feelings, to speak my Continue Reading …
Here comes an understatement: it isn’t easy being a Still Mother. It isn’t easy to walk around with a heart full of love and empty arms. To visit a grave, instead of school recitals. To think of how it “should have/could have been” while living what it actually turned out Continue Reading …
Recently, I found a box of old pictures – always an interesting and terrifying worm hole to jump down. These were pictures from high school – prom, birthdays, last day of school etc. What startled me is how very different the girl in the picture’s face was and it wasn’t Continue Reading …
When I was early in the grief process, I read an amazing post, over at Still Standing, by the equally amazing Angela Miller. It was titled “Why you Didn’t Fail as a Mother” and it changed how I grieved. I book marked it. I re-read it. When it came out Continue Reading …
I had wonderful Christmas mornings, growing up. My face would light up, as I would peer around the corner and see that stockings had been filled. My sister, who had been awake since 3 a.m. would wake me up – none too gently, at 7 a.m. Wrapping paper would fly, Continue Reading …
August was a hard month for my family and me. I actively dreaded it. I tried to brace myself for it, since it does arrive every damn year; but no matter how much I prepare, there are always a few sucker punches it throws my way. It was in August Continue Reading …
Recently, I was part of a conversation where I felt like I had been invalidated – dismissed. We were discussing our concerns over a colleague’s spouse, and it was said, “well, she has her children”. I just sat there, blinking. Everyone seemed to truly believe our mutual friend would only Continue Reading …
It begins, every June… as I go on Social Media, the “On This Day” posts show up. I have a vicious love/hate relationship with TimeHop/On this Day. Many people have suggested I delete it, and remove the triggers and the pain that come with them. It’s logical: why put myself Continue Reading …
I remember my first Mother’s Day; I was pregnant and I had a delicious secret growing inside me. Only a few people knew… but I had that happy, secret smile. I bought myself a foot soak, at a health store, thinking next year would be my first “real” Mother’s Day. Continue Reading …
I never realized how much I would forever associate real estate with family until I became a Still Mother. When we were pregnant, we realized it would be best to move. To find a house with more room for toys and the boy I was carrying. We began looking at Continue Reading …
We’ve all had that moment; you tell someone that you don’t have living children and you hear “I completely understand, we lost our first one, too”. You feel an instant connection — finally, someone else who gets it! — but then they tell you how they have had more kids, Continue Reading …
Five years old..it keeps running through my head..five years old, we should have had a five year old. Should have…changes the sentence in such a horrific way. I should be thinking about kindergarten – public or private? I should be planning for your party – you were due on January Continue Reading …
When I found out I was pregnant, like so many other women – I signed up various baby websites. These website had various groups including “birth boards”. I was part of two groups for January 2012 Mama’s. I remember when one woman dropped out; she had experienced a miscarriage – Continue Reading …
Canadian Thanksgiving has come and gone and this year I struggled. With every “Happy Thanksgiving!” text, note or wishes, my face would go blank and I would type or say the appropriate response. However, in my head? In my head I was wondering what there was to be happy OR Continue Reading …
I’ve seen us on Facebook. There are a few of us out there who, for whatever reason, were not present to greet our babies. The mothers who didn’t get to say Hello, or Goodbye. I gave birth while in a medicated coma. Thomas entered the world and I was not there Continue Reading …
It’s been four years. I should have a four year old. I should be cleaning stickers off the windows. I should have a car seat with cheerios, goldfish crackers and enough dropped food to last us a week. I should have play dates and prepping for preschool; although, I was pushing Continue Reading …
I think at some point, all Still Mothers have told a friend, acquaintance, etc, that we cannot have living children and have been tossed the “oh! Mine are terrors, you can have mine” line. Ugh! I’ve tried to be educational and yet honest and bluntly tell people that their statement hurts me. Continue Reading …
Dear Mr. asking-too-many-personal-questions cab driver, Thank you for asking if I have kids, and then, upon hearing my reply, giving me unsolicited advice. No, I assure you, I really won’t be having a living baby. Despite whatever good intentions you have, whatever whackadoodle specialist’s number you are pressuring upon me Continue Reading …
When we lost Thomas, I knew we had suffered an enormous loss. A loss that I cannot adequately describe in the English language. I didn’t yet know that we would never be the same, that life would never be the same. Things are forever divided, in my mind and heart, Continue Reading …
“Do you have children?” I never knew that would be such a difficult question to answer. It seems pretty basic, you have them or you don’t, right? Except, as it turns out, it’s a very complicated question. I have a son, but I don’t have him here. A little of Continue Reading …
It’s coming…I can feel it. (Insert the threatening music here). I know it’s coming, I don’t need to look at the calendar for confirmation. My moods are all over the map, I’m sensitive and feeling things deeply. I swear, the woman at the bank with a stroller – she smirked Continue Reading …
Often, especially in the Baby Loss community, someone will mention a living child and say the phrase “my reason for going on”. Now, logically – key word is logically – I’m aware there is no hurt or slight intended to me, as a Still Mother: A woman who does not Continue Reading …
Sometimes, three years after losing Thomas, I feel like I’m a walking, talking grief expert. There are so many things that I don’t understand or know about – math, astronomy, chemistry, physics – all of those subjects I draw a blank. Grief, though…grief is sadly, very much in my wheelhouse. Continue Reading …
The first trip my husband and I took after Thomas died, I was very excited about. It had been a horrible 6 months of grief, sickness, recovery and the emotional roller coaster that goes along with the first year, after a loss. I packed my bag, looking forward to four days Continue Reading …
I know who I was then, and I remember who I wanted to become. We would have children; one for sure, and maybe more. We would be a family, make family memories and share what we knew, make sure our children felt loved. All that was before. Before the crisis, the Continue Reading …
