Here comes an understatement: it isn’t easy being a Still Mother. It isn’t easy to walk around with a heart full of love and empty arms. To visit a grave, instead of school recitals. To think of how it “should have/could have been” while living what it actually turned out to be. To tell your partner what new person is pregnant now and watch his face get wary, but not surprised when you then collapse on his chest, muttering “it’s just not fair.”
It isn’t easy to survive what I call Stroller (Pram) Attacks – when they come up on either side of you, in the mall, filled with your dreams, living and breathing, laughing, happy and complaining about pregnancy leave. Once, I kid you not, during a Stroller Swarming the next song on the radio was In the Arms of an Angel, by Sarah McLachlan! I believe that particular time I began cursing and asking if the Universe was kidding me – it apparently was not.
There is the darker side of being a Still Mother; when it all just becomes too much. I’m assured by family and friends how strong I am – but every Still Mother will tell you, that isn’t always true. We recently lost one of our own. A beautiful soul, a loving Still Mother – who always had a kind word for when we were struggling. And it just became too much for her. We don’t wear capes, we aren’t incredibly strong and I can’t say I never thought about it.
It just hurt too much to be here, when Thomas was not. It didn’t make sense to me. Mothers belong with their children. I think we have all had those thoughts at various times; sometimes the load is just too heavy to bear. We didn’t sign up for this, we are coming to terms with it – but this is never what we thought our Motherhood would look like. Wrapped in pain and loss instead of a receiving blanket and joy. If you are struggling, we are here; if things are just too much too heavy – please ask for help. We will do our best to support you. There are phone lines, crisis centres – text, email or computer chat https://thelifelinecanada.ca/help/ this link will take you to lines in Canada, the US and World Wide. We are not here to judge any choices that have been made. We understand those thoughts, and frankly, I’ve had them too. But if you feel in you heart, you don’t feel safe – ask for help.
We miss you Mama; we never met you, but we loved you.
- The Importance Of Pictures - October 12, 2020
- Self-Isolation And Still Mothers - April 3, 2020
- And Here We Are - June 24, 2019
All of this resonates so much with me. The words could have come out of my mouth. It is unfair, you don’t want to be here without your baby. This isn’t how it should be, it’s not how we planned it. Sending love to all the Angel babies and their mummies xx
I am so sorry to hear of this loss, and so grateful that you put this message out there, that there are resources, that it’s okay to feel the dark side but to get help if it’s too much of a pit and you fear you can’t climb out. I am not a still mother but I resolved childfree after years of infertility, and I have been deep in the pit myself. I think sometimes this need to look strong, to keep going and keep a brave face, it takes a toll in addition to the toll of loss. Sending you and your community love.
This breaks my heart to read this, Andrea. I don’t know the Still Mother you’re referring to (at least, I don’t think I do?) but this topic has surfaced on another blog I read recently. Much love to this family, now suffering a horrible double loss. 🙁