Recently, I was asked what makes me, me.
Who am I?
I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a cousin and a niece. I am a lifelong learner. I am a college graduate. I am a homeowner. I am substitute teacher. I am a role model. I am an adventurer. I am a cat whisperer. I am a friend. I am a supporter. I am a listener. I am a talker. I am a writer.
But most of all, I am a mother.
In one day, I can be every single one of these roles or just a few at a time. Then there are some days where I can only face being one. No matter what I am in that moment, all of these nouns can describe me. With each of these though, I never stop being Jensen’s mom.
Whether that’s cleaning the house, helping students, or chasing after my cats, I carry Jensen with me. Even when I’m so scared to be anything else, no one can take the role of being a mom away. When I write and talk about him, I’m mothering him in the best way I know how. I am able to incorporate my motherhood into all my other roles in life. This is how it would be if he was physically here and it’s how it is even though he’s not.
Being Jensen’s mom didn’t stop when he died.
I know how it is though. The outside world sometimes doesn’t see how we can mother our children after they are gone. They don’t see us carrying them in our arms or holding are hands. But if they would be able to see right to our hearts, they would see how we hold our babies there. They would see all the love we have for them and understand this is what mothering looks like.
Everyone can physically see the other roles I embrace, but I want them to know one thing. Being Jensen’s mom is my favorite part about myself. He has taught me a love I never knew imagined and shown me a world I didn’t know existed. My time without has been the hardest journey I ever been through, yet filled with so much love for him. If they could only see the mother I truly am, they would say his name with me and see why I love being his mom so much.
My motherhood isn’t watching Jensen grow up and follow his dreams. I really wish it was. My motherhood is watching how my love grows and evolves for him as the days pasts. It’s falling down in deep emotional pain, but getting back up even stronger than before.
Here I am world.
I am Jensen’s mom and this is what my motherhood looks like. I never expected it to, but I wouldn’t give it up for anything.
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