There isn’t a minute that goes by without missing my daughter. She is constantly on my mind and I wish she were here, every second of every day.
But I have found there are certain moments, memories, that cause me to miss her even more than usual…
When I was cleaning out my work email and came across paperwork for the maternity leave I never took.
When I was at a wedding and wanted to leave to room for the father-daughter dance because knowing I’ll never see my husband dance with my daughter crushes me.
When a movie came out that I had said I’d be needing a babysitter for when I first saw the previews, but now at it’s release, I don’t.
When I notice the car in front of me has registration tags that expire when she should have been turning one.
When I’m sitting at the airport and hoping the pregnant lady doesn’t have the seat next to me.
When I put on some body lotion, the same lotion I was wearing the day I found out she died, and I immediately wash my hands because the scent hurts my heart too much.
When I started listening to Christmas music months in advance of the holiday to desensitize myself from the sounds that remind me of my last days with my baby.
When I hope my Facebook friends will all reveal they are having boys so that I don’t have to be jealous they are raising girls.
When I look in my backseat and wish so hard that a car seat and happy (or crying) baby were there instead of computer bag and lunchbox and gym bag.
And yet, even in the pain and sadness of these moments, I am grateful for the sweet memories of my Joanna. These moments that hurt, but these same moments that heal.
- When - December 2, 2015
- Letting Go of Control - November 6, 2015
We lost our baby girl just 10 days before she was due…I was pregnant through the holidays and went to see the nutcracker so excited that her first time listening to the music was while in my belly…she was named after the main character in the ballet, Clara. Then when we lost her in April I was crushed…now that Christmas time is here again it hurts to listen to music from the nutcracker, and even thinking about going and seeing it brings tears to my eyes…
I totally get the scent thing. I have a lavender bar of soap that I bought the week before I found out about my late term missed miscarriage, and it sits unused on the side of the bathtub, mocking me. But I can’t bring myself to throw it out.
<3 It does feel like it's mocking me too, you're right…sitting on my dresser for the past 10 months. So sorry for your loss, mama.