One of my biggest obstacles since losing my son a year ago is the feelings of jealousy. I’m jealous of women who are pregnant, because they are excited about the future and have a precious miracle growing inside them. I’m jealous of women who aren’t ready to try for children yet, because they have that innocent excitement and dreams of the future. I’m jealous of women who have complete families with healthy children, because I will never have that. I’m jealous of women who have lost children and gone on to have another, because they now know more than most women just how precious life is. I’m jealous of women who are childless by choice, because they don’t know the tragedy and grief that comes from losing a child, and they don’t have to worry about the awkwardness of the question “do you have children?”. Pretty much, I’m jealous of most women.
Jealousy rears its ugly head almost daily for me. I can tell you that it’s normal to feel jealous. It’s normal to want what others have… those things that we, as still mothers, were denied. It’s normal to want the lives that we thought we would have, those lives that were cruelly stolen from us.
I personally try not to let the jealous feelings overtake me. It’s easy to become wrapped up in those negative emotions, and wanting what others have. I try not to let it consume me.
When you feel ready, you can try taking time each day to be thankful for what you do have. It’s nothing compared to your child, but it can help you when you feel ready to look for the good things in your life. It’s one small way to take a step towards rebuilding a happy (less sad?) life after loss.
Why try to be thankful when your life feels broken and empty? Simply because this is your life. Jealousy will destroy you, and it doesn’t do anything to the person you’re envying. (Although it might be great if we really could just zap them away with our eye lasers, right?!) You will be the one to suffer more than you already have. By taking small steps to find even a bit of happiness with where you are, you are taking back some control of your life. You are writing a new ending to your story.
If you can, take it a step further. Educate others, share your story with them, and let your sad and tragic story be the meaningful story of love and loss it is. You may even make a difference in someone’s life.
What do you have to lose?
Her journey into motherhood (and shortly after into the babyloss community) began when Jamie found out she was pregnant in October 2013. Her only son, Micah Alexander was born on May 3, 2014, and passed away at nine days old on May 12, 2014. Micah died due to the CMV virus, which Jamie contracted at 36 weeks pregnant.
Since Micah’s death, Jamie has been passionate about breaking the silence of pregnancy and infant loss, and raising awareness of CMV. She found that writing was very therapeutic, and continued her blog - A Real Beautiful Tragedy - chronicling her pregnancy and subsequent loss.
Jamie is currently organizing an international photography project to raise awareness of pregnancy and baby loss called Releasing the Mask. You can find Jamie’s photography on her website, Jamie Wells Photography, and watch her video to remember baby Micah and raise CMV awareness on YouTube.
- Writing as therapy - September 4, 2015
- Isolation - August 10, 2015
- Letting Yourself Cry - July 10, 2015