People ask him how I am all the time. They send me wishes and love, and grieve with me. But what about him?
He goes to work and he smiles. He impresses the boss each day. But when he sits alone with his headphones on, they think he’s just working away. But really, sometimes, he’s concentrating on just keeping it together; suppressing the pain and remembering the life that he misses.
Don’t take his silence and his smiles as reassurance. He wears a convincing mask. Inside he is hurting too. And rather than crying himself, he held me as I fell apart.
He didn’t hold strong, he held on.
He didn’t persevere, he just drifted through.
He is hurting too. All. The. Time.
He remembers her dates and celebrates them in his own way. He loves her more than you can ever know. He loves her so much he let her go. Could you do the same to the one you loved most?
It’s a pain I hope no one else ever feels. The pain of loneliness and silence and longing. I feel these things and express them to you. But what about him? How can he express when no one offers to listen? People are distracted by me because I cry out loud, but what about him?
Don’t forget to console him. Don’t ignore him when he changes the subject. Listen to his fears or, at least, buy him a beer. He needs the forum to break apart, since he helped put me back together. He needs his friends now more than ever. Don’t talk about me.
You should ask him questions. What was her favorite book? How did you manage to juggle it all? Are you OK? Don’t ask about more children and, again, don’t ask about me.
Ask him to show you her photos and smile when you see them. Listen to his stories and praise him. Don’t end the conversation in tears. This is not your turn to cry. He has supported enough and it’s his turn now.
Child loss is uncomfortable for you. You don’t know what to say. Imagine it from his view, when people only ask if his wife is OK.
Please, think about him for a change.
- What About Him? - December 18, 2017
- Beating Breakdowns - December 4, 2017
- Thankful - November 20, 2017