Last Christmas was the first without our sweet boy, and honestly, it was as crappy as I had expected it to be. Between the traditions we had been planning to fulfill with him, the gifts we had planned to buy, and all the Christmas joy we wanted to share with him, life just felt empty. There wasn’t a lot of merriment to be found in our house.
A week or two before Christmas, we went to a family party on my husband’s side, where we played games, ate dinner, did a White Elephant gift exchange for the grown-ups, then watched the grandkids open presents from their grandparents. The whole time I sat there, trying to figure out how to be “normal” when the biggest part of us was missing. There was one less body in the room than there should have been, and I would have given anything to have him there to focus my attention. Every conversation was laced with puppy dog eyes and sympathetic arm-touches, and it got old really quick. I didn’t want sympathy. I just wanted them to remember him.
Unfortunately, our son is not that only child that has passed away on my husband’s side. His aunt lost her son when he was almost four, and I can only imagine how difficult the same holiday party would have been had she been there. While my husband’s cousins opened their gifts from their grandparents, I waited for mention of the grandson they’d lost, and the great-grandson they never got to meet.
It never happened.
All night, I waited and waited for some acknowledgement that our son was still very much a part of the family, and that even though he wasn’t there to receive a gift, he was still being thought of. Or maybe some part of me had hoped that they would give us a little something as they passed out gifts to all of the other kids. But neither of those things happened.
I locked myself in the bathroom for a while and texted my husband’s aunt, asking her how she had managed to get through stupid family parties after they lost their son. Like the advice I find myself giving other people, she basically said we just have to get through it. She remembered feeling the same way the first Christmas after they lost their son, and was heartbroken when he wasn’t mentioned. So I cried for her, and I cried for us, and I cried for every parent that had one less person with them during the holiday season.
The whole situation just sucks, and unfortunately, I can’t really give you any advice other than to tell people what you need during the holidays. If you need space, tell them. If you want to your child’s name mentioned, you might have to invite other people to speak their names. It sucks that we are in this situation, and it’s hard when people don’t know what to say. But please know that, this holiday season, you are not forgotten. When each loss parent cries for themselves, they are crying for you as well.
- Remembering The Ones That Aren’t There - December 11, 2017
- The Truth About Triggers - November 1, 2017
- A Different Kind of Year - October 27, 2017