There are many struggles that arise from being a still mother, this is no secret. But besides the guilt, the longing, the emptiness and the feelings of “what if”, I frequently face the struggle of feeling like a “less-than” mom.

What exactly is a “less-than” mom, most would ask. Well, it’s feeling like I’m less of a mother than a co-worker who’s tired from being up all night with their sick baby, or feeling less like a mother than your friend who can’t make dinner because she has a school meeting for her child. While I know in my heart, that I too am a mother, I struggle with feeling like a mom.

Instead of feeling exhausted in the mornings because I was up most of the night with a crying infant, I instead was faced with being up all night crying myself. The opportunity to go through the trials and tribulations of motherhood, like “typical mothers”, was stolen from me. Now, I struggle with truly referring to myself as a mom.

Now, I am left with wondering how different my life would’ve been, or who my sweet girl would’ve become. The reality is, yes, I felt my daughter growing in my womb just the same as my co-worker or any number of mothers around me. Yes, I too scoured all of the baby books on what not to eat when you’re pregnant, or on what to expect. I too celebrated my expected baby girl with a baby shower, prepared for her arrival and wondered who she would look most like.

But then, why do I struggle with feeling “less- than”?

While I struggle with these feelings, I celebrate both Mother’s Day and my sweet Quinn’s birthday. I feel as though not to is an insult to not only my daughters’ short life, but also to myself and the loss I have suffered. I know that while she is not here with me to learn and love, she is forever in my heart.

I love her the same as any mom loves their child.

I may not be able to tell you her favorite color, foods she prefers or her sleeping habits, but at the end of the day, all of that is secondary to the outpouring of love and admiration I have for her. I may not know what it’s like to try and soothe my sick baby or how it feels to see her take her first steps, but I know all I need to.

I know I am her mom.

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Ashleigh McDonald

I’m 28 and live in Providence, RI. I work in marketing specializing in social media and creative content.Quinn Beverly is my only child, whom I lost unexpectedly around my 8th month of pregnancy ultimately due to heart failure.I have a 3 year old collie/shepherd mix named Athena who keeps me plenty busy in my off-time.I eagerly look forward to football season every year- go Pats!I spend my time with family, friends and try to give back in Quinn’s memory whenever I can.I carry her memory with me every day and have been vocal on my personal social media channels about both her life and my struggles.By being open and vulnerable, my hopes are to removethe stigma surrounding infant loss while also hopefully helping others who have also suffered a similar loss.

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