I could not find the words this August; the 4th August without our son and starting of the 5th year without him. I don’t want to force the words out of me and thought instead that I should just note that the words have escaped me the same way that his life did when I was still carrying him, what I thought to be the most safe place he could be. Things are much different than they ever should have been. At night, I still struggle the most. During the day, I find that I’m still shuffling through most of the time.

I’m still so thankful to have been touched by this sweet little boy. I’m thankful for the movements and the kicks I was lucky enough to feel. I am thankful that I was able to kiss his sweet little face and hold his hands and feet. It would have never been enough time. Never. I miss him. So much. Even this many years out… many more to make my way through in the future.

Last year on August 22, Jasper’s 3rd birthday, we spent the entire day moving. This year, we will be attending a mandatory orientation for Jasper’s dad’s graduate program on Jasper’s 4th birthday. This is surely not how his birthdays would have been spent if he had lived. But. This cruel world doesn’t care to keep our days sacred for us. We will still have cupcakes for him as I’ve promised we would. They can’t take that away from us.

So instead of forcing words out of me, I thought it would be nice to reflect on his 3rd birthday post which I loved. Here is my dedication to my boy, The Boy In The Blue Box.

The Boy in the Blue Box

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Amber Smiley

Amber met Chris when she was in high school and married him as soon as she could at the age of 18. She was certain that she wanted children right away but that was not how things were going to work out. They lived in Las Vegas for over 10 years before they finally became pregnant via intervention and plenty of patience. Jasper’s heart stopped at 40 weeks and that was the beginning of what has become a sometimes brutal and sometimes hopeful, new way of life.
They knew they wanted more children and have since suffered many early miscarriages during the process of multiple IVF and IUI cycles which have left them with broken hearts.Feeling defeated and alone, the bereaved parents moved to Connecticut in search of a much needed new start.

Amber was inspired to work towards becoming a therapist during her process of trying to find support after her loss. She is currently a freelance graphic designer, artist and marriage and family therapy graduate student. She takes comfort in the idea that their son was a driving force for her to help other people through a time that she and her husband felt so alone.

Latest posts by Amber Smiley (see all)

• On Being Too Sad To Support Me In Celebrating My Son. - April 9, 2018
• Therapeutic Endeavors III: The Letter - January 26, 2018
• Therapeutic Endeavors Part II - January 24, 2018