This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. If someone would have told me to make a list of all of the possible scenarios of how my life would have unfolded, I couldn’t have imagined this in my wildest thoughts. Trying for 10 years to get pregnant. Being told by Dr after Dr that while it was called “unexplained” infertility & there wasn’t a reason for it, I had a .00001% chance of ever getting pregnant. Then actually getting pregnant. And losing the baby. And getting pregnant again. And losing the baby. And getting pregnant again. And losing the baby. Then being diagnosed with a medical condition that makes it impossible for me to ever conceive.
I’ve gone thru many emotions with this plot twist that was obviously someone else’s idea of how my life should turn out (because I never would have chosen this for me and my husband). In the beginning, I expected some of them. Anger, denial, sadness- those were my constant companions for the longest time. Then came the self-pity. Oh, LOTS of self-pity. And then the hope. I would come across a story of a woman who conceived after being told she couldn’t. For years I didn’t want to really think it was possible for me, but I silently held on to that hope for years. Hoping and wishing and praying for MY happy ending. But it never came. And it never will.
It’s been 2 years since I was told that there was no way at all possible that I could ever conceive a child. Most days I’m ok as those emotions are, for the most part, at bay. But some days I struggle with them as if it happened last week. And I never know what will trigger it. A commercial for a child going off to college, a friend’s post about her 2 year old’s birthday party that we weren’t invited to for obvious reasons (she was trying to get pregnant at the same time we were). A song played at my niece’s wedding that causes me to run outside in tears leaving everyone to wonder why I’m upset.
But the one emotion I never expected, could never have anticipated, was the loneliness. The isolation. The constant nagging knowing that I am alone. Because EVERYONE else I know has had that happy ending. They all have children. And also because no one knows. Sure, a very, very small group of people know (my mom and my in-laws) but that is all. So why didn’t we tell people? I wish I knew. Lots of reasons I guess. One being stupid tradition. They always tell you to wait until after the first trimester to tell people. Well, we waited and we even had the date all arranged that we were going to tell our family – but I miscarried the day before. Even though I was 4 months along, no one could tell. After that experience we didn’t want to tell people until we were sure. But after that first miscarriage, you never are. Other reason was that I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want their pity. Stupid, right? But I didn’t want their looks of pity. Their “Oh, poor, poor girl. She can’t have kids” looks. So now I live in this fortress of solitude that I’ve created. Nobody knows. Not my coworkers, my family, not even my close friends. I never expected the intense loneliness I feel when everyone I know has children. I never thought in a million years that we’d be alone in this boat with only my husband and me rowing it. Perhaps if we told people in the beginning that we were trying. Perhaps if we told people after each miscarriage. But I guess we were just holding out for that happy ending. That glorious day when we would show the world our new baby and say yes, oh by the way, we did have all these terrible things happen to us on this journey but now look at our wonderful child. But one thing is certain. I can’t go back and change the past. So even though I do have days now where the anger and the sadness aren’t as intense, I can never run away from the isolation that I feel every single minute of every single day. And that is the one thing I never expected.