Let’s talk about sex. Yes, seriously. It’s Infertility Awareness Week and it’s time we brought this subject out into the open. People who have never struggled to conceive often think that trying to conceive should be fun; “just think of all the sex you get to have!” But anyone who has actually struggled in this area knows that infertility takes a terrible toll on your sex life. And when the death of a child is added to the mix, sex can become almost non-existent.
Let’s start with some basic assumptions that most of us grew up thinking (for simplicity, I am using heterosexual couple labels here but I do understand infertility and the resultant sexual issues affects couples of all types).
Sex is supposed to make babies. Our parents, health classes, and even the media all made it sound so easy. Have sex and you get pregnant. But for one in eight couples, that just isn’t true. We may not ovulate, he might not have healthy sperm, we might keep miscarrying or the reasons might be unexplained. But whatever the specific cause of infertility, our bodies simply aren’t managing to perform something that a healthy body is supposed to do. Feelings of shame, failure, and inadequacy can grow with each month that passes.
Sex is supposed to be fun. Sex when you are struggling with infertility means that sex is scheduled, like any other chore. Sex becomes a calendar appointment based on ovulation tests, temperature patterns or blood work. It may involve doctor appointments with the dildo cam for the woman or an appointment with a cup for the man (and why are those rooms always in a public place with poor soundproofing?). The pressure to perform on cue puts a strain on the man, which can then lead to an inability to orgasm for him. None of this is fun.
Sex is supposed to be, well, sexy. There is nothing sexy about tracking basal body temps or cervical mucus. There is nothing sexy feeling about going to the RE for IUI or IVF. Don’t get me wrong, it is awesome that we have the technology to assist in reproduction issues, but those doctor appointments just left me feeling broken, not sexy. And feeling like I have to have sex because it is cycle day 13 and I don’t want to risk “wasting a cycle” doesn’t feel sexy; it’s just another reminder of how I feel I have let myself, and my husband, down.
Sex is supposed to make you feel happy. Sex for an infertile couple, though, is a complex mix of hope and fear. Those feelings twist and turn, each one taking dominance in turn. What if we don’t even have a shot this month? What if it does work and I get pregnant? What if I get pregnant just to lose it again? What if this is the beginning of my happily-ever-after (aka finally having a living child to mother)? What if I will never have that happily-ever after? Will we survive as a couple if this dream never comes true? Optimism, pessimism and realism war within us and each sexual encounter starts the feelings vortex all over again.
Sex is supposed to make you feel closer to your partner. Unfortunately, for many infertile couples it drives them further apart. Foreplay becomes non-existent. After sex, whether he finished or not, he just rolled over to sleep. And I would roll over to cry and fret over whether we had a chance or not. He may feel used for sex because often sex stops happening outside of fertile times. She may feel responsible for his inability to finish, like it is further proof of her inadequacy as a woman. Sex may just begin to feel pointless so no one bothers to initiate. Often, neither one is willing to talk about it so the couple gradually drifts farther and farther apart.
So what can couples in the midst of infertility struggle do?
Start with addressing the last issue first: the closeness. Every solution I have heard proposed within infertility support groups starts with communication and connection. Talk about the elephant in the bedroom. Be intentional about increasing non-sexual touching to help feel a moment of connection at random moments in the day. Purposely plan some sex outside the fertile window to try to break the sex/procreation link in your mind and focus again on the fun part. For the more adventurous, tantric sex is specifically focused on teaching a couple to communicate physically.
However you choose to approach it, it may take some time but it is worth the effort to try to re-discover the happy, sexy and fun feelings you first felt having sex as a couple.
*Editor’s Note: If you’re a still mother dealing with an infertility diagnosis, please share your thoughts about sex and infertility with us in the comments below.
Join the Still Mothers Infertility group here (for loss mothers with no living children, and an infertility diagnosis).
And remember, you’re not alone.
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- Loss is Not a Dirty Word - December 7, 2020
- What I Wish I Could Tell the Non-Loss Community - November 17, 2020