Usually I am okay and can function daily with no issues. But since becoming a loss mom I have realized that there are always going to be unexpected reminders of that loss. I have realized that I will be reminded of losing my daughter daily from things that should remind me of her.
Things like seeing her urn on my dresser, walking past her empty nursery, seeing other pregnant moms, and seeing her ultrasound pictures that hang in my home. Those are reminders that I am expecting and know how to handle, but it is the unexpected ones that get me:
Unexpected Reminder #1: The Mirror – Most people walk past a mirror many times a day and don’t even think about it. These people will casually check their hair and fix their lipstick and then go about their day. But for me it is different. I do not casually look into the mirror when I see one. For me a mirror is that unexpected reminder that I had never thought about until the day I lost Rowan. For me, that mirror reminds me of the changes my body went through carrying her. It reminds me that my body has now been changed and I have nothing to show for it. It reminds me that I should be holding a healthy baby girl and that the weight and stretch marks are worth it and purposeful. It unexpectedly reminds me daily of what isn’t.
Unexpected Reminder #2: Medical Bills – Medical bills sucks but are a part of life. We all know the inconvenience of being sick and having to go see a doctor. We all know how it sucks seeing that huge medical bill in the mail knowing that you are being charged WAY too much for the little bit of service you actually received. Medical bills bring about a darker presence for me now. It reminds me of the time I spent in the hospital mourning the loss of my baby instead of praising her and loving on her. It reminds me that I now owe THOUSANDS of dollars for something that I don’t have. It reminds me that essentially I am paying all this money for nothing. It unexpectedly reminds me of everything I long for.
Unexpected Reminder #3: Small Talk – We generally make small talk on a daily basis whether it be with a co-worker, a bartender at happy hour, your hair dresser, or the valet guy parking your car. It is generally harmless and just seen as a way to pass the time. For me it has become another unexpected reminder. For the most part small talk is OK and I can usually get out of the conversation fairly quickly. But there are times when that is not so easy like when you are at the salon getting your hair done. I know i usually an at the salon for at least 2 hours when I go to get pampered. I have noticed that many people think that having small talk will help past that time and for some reason they think if they are having said small talk with another women that all subject are open and on the table. But just by asking me if me and my husband have any kids you have reopened a wound that was seemingly closed. Why do people think that it is OK to ask all women if they have kids??? If the subject hasn’t been brought up then it should be left alone. Yes, for most people it isn’t a sensitive subject but for others it brings them to the darkest saddest place they have ever been. Not all women can have easy pregnancies that result in beautiful healthy babies. That simple small talk unexpectedly reminds me of my baby girl who isn’t with me.
Of course there are many more things that can be classified as unexpected reminders but sometimes we don’t realize what they are until they slap us in the face. Finding peace is hard but can be accomplished once we understand that this is now the path we are on and it is solely up to us to live each day for our children’s memory. Maybe these unexpected reminders are not there to sadden us but to help us remember. Help us remember that we are a mother, that our babies are proud of us, and that we can share their story and memories. Maybe it is our babies way of telling us that while this is the worst thing that has ever happened to us that they are still with us. These unexpected reminders don’t have to be a sad reminder but maybe they are a little glimmer to remind us they do love us and they are with us every day.
- Unexpected Reminders - February 20, 2017
I feel exactly the same way about the mirror. Especially since I look EXACTLY like my grandmother as a young woman, the older I get. And I favor my mom quite a bit. They have both passed on and I really need them now…I look in the mirror and see the parts of my face that are my mom and gramma’s face and wonder…Would she have had our smile? Our cheekbones? The eye shape we all share? Would she look like my mother the way I resemble my grandmother?? I send as little time looking in the mirror because of this…
I completely understand. Its one of the toughest parts of this whole thing.