I have always avoided amusement parks. All the spinning and rising and falling rides made me anxious just looking at them. I had no desire to get on-board.
A few times I allowed myself to be talked into it and every time I regretted it. I hated the anticipation on the way up and the shear terror on the way down. This was not exciting for me, this was just scary and something I didn’t feel I needed or wanted to put myself through when I had a choice.
How ironic then, that now it’s my entire life that’s one big rollercoaster?
Here I am, every single day, living the most terrifying and extreme rollercoaster of my life.
The day my son died I went into the longest free fall I could never have imagined. Like on amusement park rides there were moments I was falling so fast that my ever present scream wouldn’t come out of my mouth but get stuck inside, caught like my breath caught in my chest.
I couldn’t see where the downward fall would end.
It seemed to go on forever and then one day, the almost vertical drop I had been riding for months started to shift its gradient. Slowly I started to have moments where I wasn’t falling so fast, the track started to level out, I could take a breath.
Then, without warning that sheer drop was all there was once again.
Over time the leveling out happened more and more, I even started to go up. Breathing became easier. I could see the view.
But then, once again, the drop comes back. I can’t see, only feel the devastation and just long to get off this ride. To just be holding my baby again.
I hate rollercoasters.
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On the 17th of March 2016, everything Megan thought she knew was shattered when her precious son Kai Phoenix Hajny was born silently into the world. While the first months were all about survival, Megan has since been inspired to do what she can to support other new mothers of angels to feel understood, heard and seen. In honour of all angel babies and their earth mothers.
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