I wish… …I got to bring my baby home. …that there weren’t so many unanswered questions. …I didn’t know this excruciating suffering.
I wish… …I didn’t have to see the sympathetic gazes and hear the unintentionally painful platitudes. …I didn’t have to pretend to be “okay.” …I had my confidence back. …I didn’t feel so helpless. …it didn’t feel like I was being punished by the world, by God, by the universe.
I wish… …I didn’t have to keep reminding myself that love is infinite and boundless. …the tears would stop so I could catch my breath. …I had done things differently when she was born. …I could find joy and effortlessly smile again. …I didn’t feel so lonely.
I will always wish… …I would have held her longer. …I would’ve taken more pictures. Hundreds of pictures to remember every little detail. …I would have kissed her more and told her “I love you” over and over again. …I didn’t have to say, “I love you, Savannah” to the sky in hopes that she somehow hears it.
I wish I could see her smile and know the color of her eyes… Hear her cry and enjoy her laugh. …I didn’t have to come home to a silent, cold urn.
I wish… …life was fair. …I didn’t get jealous and angry at families who get to keep their children. …I wasn’t part of this “club.” I don’t want to be here. I know you don’t want to be here either. None of us expected to ever be in this place.
I wish… …I had the words to describe how deep the pain goes and the power to make others, non-grievers, understand. …I didn’t have to search for her every day, constantly on the lookout for little signs and reminders that she is watching us from afar.
I wish… …I was still naive. …I could escape this nightmare and go back into the safety of my dreams. …there wasn’t a piece of my heart missing. …I didn’t have to fight so fiercely for her memory and continue her story without her. …I wasn’t terrified of what the future holds.
I wish I had my baby in my arms and I wish I never had to tell her goodbye.
I wish I didn’t feel so selfish for all of my wishes. …and I wish I didn’t have to write this unending list.
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Amy lives in Maryland with her incredible husband, Jason, and their cat, Ziggy. Their beloved daughter, Savannah Grace, was stillborn at 39 weeks on March 29, 2016.
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I wish all of these things for you and Jason, and more. I love you both and God Bless your upcoming holiday. Hold on tight to each other, your strength and your faith. *hugs*
Thank you, Kristi- you know your love and support of our little family means so much to us!
Amy..you are stronger than you will ever know & the strength & courage to carry on in life speaks loudly. your love will always be there for Savannah and you’ll be able to see her & feel her in all the beautiful things life brings your way..
Thank you, Eve, for your absolutely beautiful words. Savannah is my world and while there are many days I don’t feel strong, each day I work to make her proud.
I’m so sorry my sister in grief we should never have to say goodbye to our children..everything that you wrote is in my heart….god bless you on this first holiday season be gentle with yourself
Thank you, Angela- I’m so sorry that we have to know this pain. Wishing you a very peaceful and gentle holiday season as well.