*Editor’s Note: This post was submitted to us as a guest post. We agree with much of what is said, especially about the idea of protecting the hearts of those hurting the most. We realize this may be a controversial subject, but we proudly share ideas that need to be discussed. We welcome feedback, but will not tolerate hateful/mean comments. Still Mothers exists because we understand too well the need for a safe place in this community, free of painful announcements and photos. Please read this letter with an open mind, and share with anyone you believe can benefit from a reminder of why we’re all here.
Dear Babyloss Community,
Hello. I’m sorry we’re all here. I joined your ranks last summer. My beautiful son died during birth. I still have no answers to “why” and I’m left here to pick up the shards of my shattered life without him.
I’m writing you this note because something has been happening a lot in this community, and I need to speak up.
I came to you for support in my darkest hour of need. My heart broken, my arms empty, my life a living hell. And you welcomed be with open arms. You gave me a safe place to belong.
For a while…
But when I needed a place to be with people who “get it”, people I thought should know how hard life is for me, instead I’m beginning to find only talk of new pregnancies and babies – “Rainbows”, as you call them. I have to say, I’m shocked and angry that the leaders of this community would share photos of living, healthy babies in places where we should find a rest from the relentless oversharing of babies from the rest of the world. I’m sad that new babies take the focus from the babies we lost, who should be given the spotlight.
Just like other loss mothers, I want to scream it from the rooftops that my son’s life matters, and that no one can replace him. But that message is lost when the rest of the community puts so much emphasis on their new baby, and how great life is now that they’ve filled their arms.
How can I combat the messages from society that says “just have another baby” when that’s the message so loudly spoken by this very community?
Pregnancy announcements are made on sites and in groups where I simply wanted peace from the constant reminders of what has been taken from me. In places where a mother like me may have just lost her baby hours, days, or weeks ago. And now she has to see yet another group of women fawning over a pregnancy.
Am I the only person who can see how messed up that is?
These living babies are hurtful to mothers like me. All living children hurt. And it’s not because I’m bitter, it’s because my heart is broken. And I’d like to think that of all the places I could go, the babyloss community would be the place I could share my hurt.
Someone, please tell me, why is so much emphasis in this community on having another baby as quickly as possible? Everyone says “no baby can replace the baby who died” but then has another and goes off into the sunset with their happy ending.
Why the hypocrisy?
Has everyone but me forgotten how it feels to hear pregnancy/birth announcements when your own baby has just died? Am I the only person who knows that only some people go on to have another baby after loss?
I doubt I’m alone in this.
I’m sure I’m not the only loss mom who is hurt and upset by the constant stream of pregnancy and healthy baby posts in the babyloss community. I’m especially confused because I know for a fact there are pages and groups specifically for this topic. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s sick to death of the term “Rainbow”.
If you don’t want people to think having another baby is the “cure” for your loss, then don’t use mystical language. Subsequent babies are siblings, the end.
All I’m asking is that you think twice before using the babyloss community to post endlessly about your new pregnancy or baby. Don’t use places where newly bereaved mothers will see, and invariably be hurt. Think back to the time when your grief was raw and have compassion for the mothers like me with no living baby.
Remember that many loss moms don’t have another baby after loss.
Instead of causing a riff in our community – and believe me, there is one because of this topic – let’s come together in support and with empathy. Let’s put the focus on this community back where it should be: on the very special babies who died. The ones we love endlessly and miss eternally.
And let’s leave the “rainbows” in the sky.
- Infertility vs Cancer - April 19, 2021
- Loss is Not a Dirty Word - December 7, 2020
- What I Wish I Could Tell the Non-Loss Community - November 17, 2020
Thank you, sweet mother, for sharing your honest feelings. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I am the grandmother of precious Georgia, my daughter and son-in-laws baby girl, who they lost 18 months ago at 32 weeks. It took so much and so long for my daughter to get pregnant at all the first time and that ended in an ectopic pregnancy. Then, again, after many, many months she conceived Georgia and the fear was great that Georgia would be lost, too, early on. Happily, Georgia grew and thrived and was two weeks from a scheduled delivery. Then, she died; reason unknown. Life as we all knew it changed forever and we, as people, changed forever. It appears that my daughter will have much difficulty conceiving/carrying a baby in the future, based on inexplicable infertility/pregnancy issues. Meanwhile, life goes on for her friends and family, having babies without a second thought. We truly are happy for their joy, however it is very hard not to feel a sense of bitterness, residual anger, frustration and indescribable pain for our loss and for what appears to be a future without my girl’s ability to have another baby. My daughter will forever mourn for her daughter, and I will forever mourn for both of them, because a piece of my daughter’s soul died when her baby died. The helplessness of all of this is overwhelming. I can’t do a thing to change any of it. God is still present; I pray– and my heart breaks for my child. Again, thank you for your post and I wish you well.
Every word you said I can relate to!!! I am usually one that can speak my mind openly and enjoy giving others the same respect. But it can be a very taboo conversation for some. It’s been a year and 8 months and the feeling of a broken heart never goes away or gets better. A mother with no living children goes through life daily thinking of what life would be like with their family as a whole. The reality of possibly not ever being able to feel the growing love of your child is a crushing thing to except while trying to keep up with the speed of life around you. I hate feeling my heart in the pit in my stomach when I choose to be silent bc I’m afraid of hurting someone’s feelings bc of my broken heart. Your words speak volumes to me and I appreciate you having the strength to speak from your broken heart! You have been a voice for me and many other mom’s!! Thank you! Sending hugs and love your way!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this!! I was planning to write something about this as it has irked me ever since my son Gabriel was born still at 30wks. If Gabriel were here, I would have been a single mom. Now I am a single person grieving the loss of her son, with no immediate prospect of a partner or a rainbow baby. This community forgets that some women may not have partners or may not have subsequent babies. Our voice is equally as important and can be as comforting as all of the rest. I am truly grateful for this post and am happy that someone FINALLY said something. Many Blessings!
I echo everything you have said. My beautiful boy became an angel on 12/07/16 and I feel like since then everywhere I turn there are pregnancy announcement and babies. It hurts so much I can’t even go in a supermarket at the moment. I am new to this group and haven’t experienced the pregnancy Announcenents or new baby posts yet and as selfish as this may seem I hope I don’t not here where we are coming together to support one another through the heartache that only a mother who has list a child knows xxxx
I have unfollowed countless child-loss groups for all the reasons you’ve mentioned above.
My little girl died on April 8th and I was induced and gave birth to her at 34 weeks on April 10th. She was my first and only child. I have no reason for her death. I’ve never loved or missed someone so much in my 38 years on this earth, and I’ve lost some amazing people. Nothing compares.
Tomorrow will be 5 months since I said hello and goodbye to that beautiful, perfect little girl. I’ve caught myself feeling the anxiety while seeing other loss-moms announce pregnancies in the groups, many of them not as far along in their grief as I am (and I’m not far at all). That’s when I start to feel the panic of “Shit! I’m old! Hurry and conceive!” And I have to reel myself back and realize that I personally still need to grieve, I don’t know if I can even emotionally handle or even physically GET pregnant again. I don’t know if that’s in the cards for my husband and I.
So thank you for sharing this. You are definitely NOT alone in needing the sacred space to share about the child you’re missing. There are many of us that would like that sacred space too.
Thank you ❤️
Yes yes YES! Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone!
Yes, it is an issue, and it probably won’t matter that you are right, and we agree with you. People will continue to go on about their new rainbow baby. They want their “happy ever after” and they don’t like people who “drag” them back to the past. I had three children – my first was stillborn and my second and third were SIDS babies. Three babies, three deaths. No reasons for their deaths (SIDS is an unexplained death). Yet still, everyone pretends that (i) it didn’t happen, (ii) it happened for a reason, (iii) it won’t happen to them (even if they have lost a baby, but subsequently have their healthy rainbow), or (iv) somehow if I just have patience, my life will get “better” again. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking that grieving for our losses is a temporary thing. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking that the birth of a new baby is a good thing for everyone. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking that “when a door closes, a window opens somewhere”. People don’t want to admit (to themselves or to others) that sometimes sh!t happens, and nothing will make it better. I guess when your rainbow baby is born (and lives), you can just immerse yourself in the miracle of your beautiful baby, and it just becomes easier to forget that not everyone around you is as fortunate. That’s certainly been my experience. As for me? I’ve removed myself from those baby-loss communities where my continued grief and loss is shuffled aside in favour of rainbows. There are groups out there who acknowledge and understand your grief and pain, and who feel just as you do that rainbows belong in the sky.
BRAVO!!!
Thank you for sharing this.
This all of this, is exactly how I feel.
My sons life matters.
No one can replace him.
We cannot have another baby.
And what you said about all living children hurt, this is exactly how I feel. And it’s not because I’m bitter like you said, it’s because I am broken.
When I am at work, or in a group of people that talk about a new baby or a pregnancy etc. ,I cringe and I have to walk away because, I feel like my heart breaks a little more.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying exactly what my heart feels also.
Dear momma,
You are not wrong for expressing your opinion on such a sensitive issue. It definitely hurts and is painful when you hear and see posts about new pregnancies especially when you are struggling with the loss of your precious angel.
My son passed away in April and when I hear about new pregnancies I feel nothing but anxiety, anger and frustration because I am longing for my own. I try to remind myself that I can’t expect everyone to be on the same path. My anger and resentful feelings about my loss is projected onto new expecting moms and it is hurting me more and it is unfair to them. I agree that flaunting these babies and pregnancies is hurtful, but I also believe it’s a sign of hope to moms who wish to have other children in the future.
We all grief different and as we all know our triggers are all different too. The key is for us to support each other and remember what may be a trigger for one could very well be a sign of hope to another. Being mindful of what we share and how we share could be helpful and supportive to each other.
Stay strong momma!
So so beautifully written and raw – thank you for expressing this undercurrent so beautifully that I find sometimes grasps me and often drags me down in my healing journey. I have no living children and find it difficult sometimes to manage the discussions of subsequent pregnancies in this community. Although I know they bring such joy to the brave mamas that have lost their babies, they also bring such sorrow to the same mamas who have either chosen to or cannot have subsequent pregnancies. Sending you love ?
Dear momma, thank you for the taking the time to write this letter, you really spoke to something that has been on my heart as welll. I lost my daughter last summer and in my case there is no garuntee that it won’t happen again in subsequent pregnancies. I don’t have the chance to just “try again” without it being a huge medical ordeal with no garuntee of a healthy child. I am scared and do everything I can to hang onto the glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe one day it will happen and our daughter will have a brother or sister. It is so hard to see all the mothers that do have living children or “rainbow” babies, just as hard as it is to see my friends from high school and college now having there first, second and even third children now. Every single announcement makes me sicker and sicker to my stomach. Each one makes me feel less and less like a real mother or even a real woman. This might be controversial but in a time of great distress and grief I think it is okay to voice your opinion in a controversial way because if you feel it, you know you aren’t alone… I will never be able to replace my daughter and I also get sick of seeing rainbow baby posts and photos of these new babies under rainbow blankets as if they are the answer to loss. Maybe it is a little bit of bitterness honestly… over the past year I’ve had to be brutally honest with myself about my feelings in order to heal and bitterness is definitely there often despite how I try to fight it. I still get angry, bitter and sad. I still sit in my car and cry or scream. I still wonder, why us? Especially when it seems like everyone around me is pregnant or has children and seems so happy. Maybe it is the fault of our society… “why don’t you have kids?”, “try again, you’ll regret it if you don’t”, “try again, do what you have to, it will be worth it when you have your baby”, “what about adoption?” … society is so stuck on the idea that without a child, what are you here for? How could you possibly have a full life? I have had to really be honest with myself about the reality that there is no garuntee that we will and it is a very hard reality to face. I have not lost hope but it is the strangest, hardest position I’ve ever been in and honestly.. it sucks (that doesn’t even do it justice but oh well). Well, although I don’t know who you are, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong (I know you’re probably sick of hearing that too but by writing that you showed a hell of a lot of it) and focus on yourself and finding your personal peace. Maybe that is religion, maybe it is spiritual meditation, maybe it is something else but whatever it is, you have to focus on yourself and healing. Namaste momma.