The List

Talk to us Tuesday white flowers

Editor’s Note: This post references the idea of wanting another child after loss. Please read with caution, if this is a triggering subject for you. 

“To not be in the story of how it should have been but to live in deep acceptance of how it is. The only time we can be truly unhappy is when the way it is and the way we think it should be are different.” Boyd Varty

Recently, I heard the quote above while listening to a TED talk on wisdom. Varty was responding to a question about where he hoped to be in five years. I replayed his answer several times because it’s a place I hope to be too.

Before my son, Jack, died if someone had asked me that question my answer would have been a list of things. While they weren’t overly superficial things, Gandhi clearly didn’t write my life goals either. After Jack died my life shrank to a wish list with one goal, another child.

Around this time a good friend came to visit. As she patiently listened to me obsess over having another child, she mentioned her own life goals. For the past two years she and her husband had been on a sabbatical. Hanging out in Portland they explored yoga, alternative medicine and self-healing. As a result her life goals and hopes for the future differed from mine in one very profound way, they didn’t include the things she wanted to have, only how she wanted to be.

“Forget about what you want to have, how do you want to be?” My one-track mind responded with “I want to be a parent. I want to have another child.” To which she wisely replied, “That’s not something you can control. The only thing you can control is how you want to live.”

I’d be lying if I said I appreciated her answer, I could see the wisdom in it, sort of, but six weeks after losing Jack the answer I was looking for was how I could get the one thing I wanted more than anything else. I didn’t care about “being”; I cared about having.

Looking for meaning in my son’s short life I latched onto the idea that what he brought me was an awareness of how badly I wanted to be a parent. Before I lost Jack I wasn’t even sure children were for me and had he lived I know I would have complained about things like not being able to spend a night on the town with friends, or the stretch marks on my once rock solid stomach. His gift to me was my new list of life goals and the appreciation I would have when I finally got the child I so desperately desired.

List in hand I left Chicago a few weeks later, and headed back to my current home in Romania. Because of my C-section I had some time to kill before trying to conceive again. I traveled some, went to work and also did a lot of work on myself: counseling, journaling, meditation, yoga, reading the tales of others who had over come adversity. Through my readings and investigations into the more spiritual side of life I saw a theme emerging. Different words and phrases were used, but the idea remained the same “Choose how you want to be, it’s one of the only real choices you’ll ever get to make.”

My mind flashed back to the conversation with my friend six months earlier but after waiting the allotted amount of time suggested by my doctor I got pregnant again on the first try. How I wanted to be faded into the background and I threw all my energy into what I wanted to have, a child. But then I lost that child too resulting in some dark days. My soul was the color of a starless night sky with a layer of tar smeared over it by the Grim Reaper. Finally, I started to realize that my list couldn’t be one item. My son’s legacy couldn’t be a sibling who might never be created; my obsession over having another child was turning me into someone I despised.

So I created a new list, one that only included how I wanted to be and the way I hoped to live my life.

1. Connected
2. Curious
3. Active
4. Compassionate
5. Grateful

Whether I have ten more children or zero doesn’t matter; what matters is how I live and how I interact with the people who were a part of my life right now.

There are still days when the pull of my old list is strong and I want to lie in bed, watch Netflix and feel sorry for myself. But then I look at Jack’s picture, remember how I want to be and drag myself out for a run, call a friend, and take note of all the things I am thankful for. I step out of the story of how things should be and step into the story of how they are.

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Amanda BrandtBy Amanda Brandt -On May 11, 2015 my son, Jack, came into the world and just over twenty-four hours later he left it much too soon leaving behind a mother with a shattered heart. I strive to move forward and work to insure that Jack’s touch on my life is a positive one. In addition to being Jack’s mother I am a teacher, athlete, writer, and traveler who has lived and worked outside of the United States for the past ten years.

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2 thoughts on “The List”

  1. Thank you Amanda for this beautifully written piece – you have inspired me to make my very own list of how I want to live my life in the story that is my reality now. Sending you love and peace as you continue to honour your son, Jack. ?

  2. Really good article. I think your friend was right about the things you can’t control. I think I need to make a list soon.

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