A Messy Ball of Feelings

Some days I feel the tears, always there, ready to fall at any moment. Even three years out now from my last loss, I have to fight to keep them from spilling out until I am alone. I go to the bathroom to let the sobs come in privacy.

Some days there is this dull ache. I am hollow, just a shell surrounding the emptiness. The tears won’t come and the pain won’t leave. Even when I am not consciously thinking about my babies or my lost motherhood, I feel this nameless wordless ache reminding me that part of me is perpetually missing.

Some days I am irritated with the world. I may start out in a fine mood but the smallest inconvenience can set me off, such as having to wait in line. I used to be a patient person but after my losses, I can’t seem to get that part of me back. Yet another thing that pregnancy loss has robbed from me.

Some days I rage at the universe about the unfairness of it all.  I am bitter and angry.  I fear that one day I may start screaming out the obscenities that race through my mind when I am triggered one too many times by parents ignoring their children to play on their phones or pregnant women complaining about inconveniences or gender disappointment.

Some days the sense of guilt and failure are overwhelming. My body failed my children. I failed my husband and myself. It wasn’t my fault but yet it was. My brain knows that I am not responsible for my body’s failure but my heart sees it as a lame excuse, mere semantics that mean nothing.

Some days I am just exhausted. Grieving is tiring work. Fighting the constant emotional triggers is draining and it is hard to find a safe place to let your guard down.

Some days I am just numb to it all. I don’t know exactly when numb became an emotion for me but it has crept in over the last few years. Numb feels like the suppression of all feelings. I am not happy, not sad and not even angry. I exist like a robot; no, I become a Vulcan. I am afraid to feel, to open the floodgates of what I cannot control, so I bury it all deep in the hope that I will feel nothing. I know it’s not a healthy way to cope long-term but sometimes it’s the only way I can cope with the stress of work or life.

There are days I am resigned, maybe even fatalistic. Loss has overwhelmed my life; my life IS loss. And other days that I can’t believe this is my life; that I should wake from this long nightmare to find it has all been illusion.

Most days, though, I seem to feel it all. My mood shifts with the breeze or with every breathe I take. One emotion flows into the next and they are all tangled together in one big messy ball of feelings. But yet, with all these feelings tumbling around inside me, when most people ask me how I am, the answer will still remain “I’m fine.”

Maureen Schaefer
Latest posts by Maureen Schaefer (see all)

Written by 

Maureen Schaefer (known as Reen to her online friends) found herself battling infertility and recurrent miscarriage after trying to start a family in 2011. Maureen found information and solidarity in her online support groups and eventually began to help moderate a group for those pursuing advanced methods of trying to conceive. She also co-founded a group for those actively trying to conceive who have experienced two or more pregnancy losses or babies born still (Babycenter's Actively Trying with Repeat Loss). Now, after five pregnancy losses, Maureen is coming to terms with living a childless life. You can usually find her behind the scenes helping out with Still Mother's Facebook page and groups.

2 thoughts on “A Messy Ball of Feelings”

  1. I recently lost my son of 36. No warning. I was told I’d never carry a child. St 30 I found myself pregnant,a miracle, a gift from God.Why was he taken? How do I go on he was my life I love him so much I don’t have any desire to go on

    1. I am so sorry for your loss Cheryl. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve. Take it one moment, one breath at a time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.