Dear God,
You and I — we’re not on the best of terms right now.
Our relationship is not over. I am just finding it really hard to talk to you.
Is it because I’m angry with you? Maybe. Is it because I no longer trust you? Quite possibly. Is it because I have lost faith in you? No.
I feel I need to air out my grievances with you. You know I don’t like to be angry. It really weighs me down. But right after William was born, I was irate. What lesson were you trying to teach me? How could I possibly have done something so wrong that I deserve a life sentence without my children? I know that I’ve made mistakes. But no bigger missteps than anyone else. Why would you cause me so, so much pain — the worst pain you can inflict on a human? They say that you only give people what they can handle. But I can’t handle this, God. Not well, at least.
This anger, this bitterness — I hate them. I’m trying to get past them. I reread The Shack. I talked with my priest at church. Slowly, my anger has begun to diminish. My view of you has started to change. Maybe you are more like a loving parental figure who is as upset about William’s death as I am. Maybe you are crying right along with me. Maybe you didn’t cause William’s death to happen. Perhaps we humans are not little marionettes whose every action you control. Maybe shit just happens, and we have to learn to deal with it the best way possible. Maybe you have no control over our lives. Maybe you are there in the loving support that Stephen and I received following William’s death.
Maybe that’s what you are — love. Not pain, but love. And how can I be angry at love?
Yet, I still have questions for you. I prayed and prayed and prayed that William would be born healthy. So why wasn’t he? Is it because you can’t control our lives and the events that happen in them? If so, then why should I make prayer requests of you? Perhaps this is why I’m finding it so hard to talk to you; to trust that you will make everything alright. If I believe that you can’t control what happens on Earth, then I also believe that you don’t have the power to make things right. I can’t just beg you for something enough times until you honor my requests. I can’t depend on living a good life and receiving an award for my efforts.
Don’t get me wrong — I still want to help as many people as I can and live my best life possible. I just don’t know if this will guarantee me the life I desire. So, instead of making requests of you in my prayers, I’m trying to find a new way to communicate with you. But that’s hard. It’s hard to undo 32 years of a habit. What do I talk to you about? My feelings? My hopes? My fears? My life?
Just because I’m having trouble communicating with you, God, doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in you. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I do. It’s because of my belief in you that I hope to one day be reunited with my children. It’s because of my faith in your existence that I feel you and my children are communicating with me in my dreams. It’s because of you that I believe I will one day get to hold my precious William and look down at his face while he sleeps peacefully in my arms. It’s because of your love that I am able to rise out of bed each day, no matter how long and painful the night.
In short, God, I’m trying to make things right between us. Just give me time. And, meanwhile, give my two angel babies kisses for me. Please, let them know I love them and can’t wait to see them again.
Love, Kelly
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Kelly enjoys her job as a special education teacher at a middle school. Before becoming a teacher, she spent three years as a newspaper reporter and continues to write in her free time, finding it a great outlet and stress management technique. Kelly lives in New Hampshire with her husband, Stephen, her dog, Sadie, and her two cats, Sam and Sully. In her free time, she enjoys exercising, reading, blogging and giving back to her community.
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Dear kelly,
I read your letter, you wrote it like if you were think my thoughts. My son was 40 years old, and this letter you wrote is my true feeling with God. Everything you wrote expressed what I felt and feeling now. I’m so angry with God, but yet I know he has plans for me. But do I carry this pain for the rest of my life? Why me? I try to be a good person, walk the Christian life. I went to church every Sunday, help people in need. And I tell myself…No way what did I do wrong. Dear God why? I love and pray to my god to give me peace and strength to go thru this. I still don’t understand…I just hope one day I will see my only son. It’s been a year and half, yet it seem like yesterday.
Thank you. I too have had a hard time praying since I lost my 25 year old son over 6 months ago. I prayed for him to be healed. He was not. Easy to have faith when the answers are, yes. Answered of no for little things we can live with without a lot of thought. Answered of No to life and death matters are on a whole different level. I struggle daily with the how is this a good outcome. I still trust and believe, I have no choice.
I felt the same for so long after losing my girl 4 years ago. Now I see God in the good I do for others since this happened, the support group I set up and how my view on living life has changed. Of course we’d want our babies here no doubt but for now we must take comfort from the signs they send us through Gods love. I teach children to pray by simply talking to God like a friend a conversation you feel you need to have not necessarily to ask for anything then look for the signs he has listened they may not always be obvious at first. Much love to you strong angel mama xx
Dear Kelly,
Thank you so much for writing this. I also have two angel babies, am your age, and am a middle school special education teacher. I have really struggled with my relationship with God since my first miscarriage, but had come to peace with it when a year later I got pregnant again and again had another miscarriage. The second was easier to go through, but also harder. I had come to peace with the first one by understanding that I wasn’t alone and one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. The second time, I really felt angry. We saw and heard the heartbeat, but less than a week later, I lost this one too. It felt so unfair! And yet I had been expecting the worst.
I have felt the same emotions and had those same thoughts that you mention. Thank you so much for putting this all into words. Prayers for you and your husband.
Jackie
My mom had a stroke 3 weeks before my baby boy was born sleeping at 34 weeks July 6, 2016. I was so grateful to God for sparing her life. I had in my head that the birth of my son would be the motivation to get better. Then he was gone. I have had a really hard time talking to God about all of this without getting angry. My faith has been tested like never before but I keep reminding myself that He his strong enough for all my feelings and emotions. I have listened to a lot of worship music but even at church I just stand listening to the words. My heart has no joyful song to sing.
Dear Kelly,
I know you are still grieving and I hope with time, your broken hearts, yours and Stephen’s..will heal. I think, but I don’t know, that God is love. I think he made us in His own image, so is it possible He is as flawed as we humans are? I have thought that since reading Genesis, he created mankind, and then, he destroyed mankind because he saw no good in so many, so He tried again, with Moses, who was quite flawed, yet He couldn’t destroy all mankind, so He picked. I can’t believe everyone on this Earth was bad or evil or that they deserved to die, yet that was the outcome.I think God screwed up… I don’t know this is factual, but it is what I believe. I don’t know if God has time to be involved in small things… I think the world got too big for him, and He just stepped back, letting freewill do what it may, because maybe just maybe He felt such anguish from the first destruction and He felt such pain from it…that He said..No more will I be involved… unless it is something huge…like the Exodus, WW2, ect…but again I am just guessing…we all are…why William died, no one knows.. I have no idea, no one on Earth that has lost a child knows the answer..but God is Love… I believe that and you must believe it too…we really have no other option…that is what faith is..it is blindly believing in a power greater than any of us. I believe it is random chaos every single day. I just have seen too much pain happen to good people, devout people and I can’t believe it happens and then I think…well God must have not been involved. I just have to believe that to keep my faith. I too, once stopped believing in God, but He is real, He is. He just rarely shows himself. You are a beautiful kind gentle good human who got a raw deal twice. I know it almost did you in…but yet you have gone on.You are stronger and tougher than ever, and you will endure, so obey His only real commandment, be fruitful and multiple. Fear not, for God is with you, I believe that.
My love always,
Gloria
PS. Read God: A biography by Jack Miles…first time I have ever read a book that sees God from a human perspective…
Thanks, Gloria. It’s been a real struggle to not blame God for what happened. I think when we don’t have anyone to blame, we feel the need to blame Him. But just viewing Him differently — more as a loving parent, than as a vindictive, spiteful God — has helped me tremendously. There are days when it is harder for me not to blame him and not to get angry. I definitely prefer to view Him as a loving God who is giving me support through this than as one who caused this to happen. I will definitely check out the biography. Thanks for the recommendation! Sending much love your way!
Kelly, This is beautiful. Love, Jen
Thanks, Jen!
So after reading your story,
I just felt like I wanted to encourage you, but also let you know your not on your own in any of this!!!
I wanted to share a little of ours, it’s different, but I think the pain, anger, frustration and doubt and despair and our faith maybe fairly similar……
Forgive me if it’s not…. Xx
So we have had 4 miscarriages one at 6 weeks, two at 8 weeks and one at 16, and consequently haven’t managed to get the slightest bit pregnant again!!!
(Although all tests so far have proven there’s no issues, told the usual, loose weight, stop smoking, have a better lifestyle!!)
We were going down the route of the start of ivf and I couldn’t cope with the if’s, but’s and maybe’s and potential losses, and had a mental health breakdown!!
Deep joy???
I have always and I guess I will always battle with the feeling of What if’s? Why us!!??
Will it happen again?
Can I cope with happening again??
WILL IT EVER HAPPEN FOR US!!
The horrid jealousy I feel towards people, some of whom I love, who pop babies out so easily!!!
Who have No idea of what it feels like to say congratulations that’s wonderful news, when inside you feel like you’ve died a little bit more!!
I don’t want people who do know me to not tell me or feel like they should tread on egg shells around me when they announce ‘their pregnant’ almost looking for a negative response from me……
In case I crumble!!!
I don’t in front of them btw, I learnt to have a great poker face, in these situations!!
Whilst knowing that God and my husband knows it’s another knife in the heart, and I’m dying inside!
And then most of the time the bitter twisted jealousy, anger, hurt and despair and fear that fills all my being, takes a part away from me everyday.
I don’t want to feel like this!
I don’t want to be this green eyed monster my jealousy makes me!
I don’t want to bitter!!
I didn’t want this to change me!!
I didn’t and don’t want to question My Gods goodness, faithfulness, the hope I can have in him!!!
I don’t want to have this as my kryptonite!!!!
I also don’t want, as much as it’s with good intentions, to have people who think they know me, or know how I feel, or thinks they know my fears and struggles,
Tell Me I should trust God more!
It’s because I didn’t trust him enough!!
Maybe this isn’t what God wants for you and Jim!!!
Have you considered this may never happen!!!
Yes every aspect you can even slightly imagine, I, like many many others have considered it!!!
BUT, Unless you’ve been there, felt the pain, the lack of all control of something so joyful and all you’ve wanted to be taken away from you, I WANT TO YELL at those people and say U don’t know how it feels!!!
But honestly every single day it wears on me and takes a part of me away!!!!
I hate how selfish this makes me!!!
I daily, sometimes hourly surrender this to God,
I question him, I ask for him to give me definitive signs as to weather it will happen or not for us……..
Not asking for a miracle, but so I can try and find a way of either having some hope or knowing that this isn’t his plan for us!!!
I ask him to help me be able to help others through this brokenness…..
In all OTHER areas of my faith as a Christian I would say it’s strong, and trusting and I’ve been a Christian a long time!!!
But this one area, Gets me on my arse every time!!!
Almost everyday!!!
I don’t want it to define me but it has!!! And does!!
I’d love nothing more than to proudly say yeah I’m a mum of 4 babies and Jim’s is a daddy!!
But we don’t, we can’t as our babies aren’t here on earth with us, and people, even those who are closest too us, who know our heart, and should know better than to say it……..
Have said really unhelpful things…..
I/we feel we’re made to feel like nothing……. Sorry to be so brash But there’s No heading for anyone who’s lost a baby, infant, child…….
You loose your partner- your a widow, you loose a parent your and orphan…….
We have constantly been made to feel that we don’t have a right to say we are parents!!
We are seen as a married couple, in our middle to late 30’s and are often asked do you have kids, you’d better get on with it, times a ticking!!!
Again the poker face returns and if we’re together when this happens a tight squeeze of each other’s hand!!!
My original point to which I have massively digressed on, is this…….
I have to surrender this to God constantly He knows how I/We feel, He knows my heart, my fears, my brokenness!!
He does not want this for us, it hurts him to see us this way!!
He is a God of love and goodness!!!
On a sane day I can remember this and function!!
On a bad day I can’t see or remember this, I try and get those truths in to my head and my heart through worship music…….
#here’s my point!!! ????
I came across the song called ‘Miracles’ by Jesus Culture and Chris and his wife lost their son, he was stillborn, fairly recently.
And as I listened I was overwhelmed, and felt God really meet at a place in my heart and mind in this area that I guess I’ve never allowed my self to be at or wasn’t listening or letting God in…….
I don’t know…….. But I can’t say fully it has given me my hope back, that Gods plan maybe for us to have a rainbow baby…… I think that will take time…..???
But it has given me truth!
Reminded me of God’s goodness!
And that I have to believe in that!!!
I have to believe that God is with us, and he feels our pain and frustration and that actually it’s Him and only Him that carries and sustains us!!!
I must listen to this song 100 times a week……!!!!
I think it’s as much about Chris and his wife’s story, and their continued trust in Jesus that speaks to me!!
I won’t lie and say I haven’t still struggled with all of the above!!
I do, and I think I always will!! ?
God and Jim are the ONLY people in my life daily that know any of this, and will actually listen without rolling their eyes or tell me to ‘get over it!!’
And continue to love me in all of this!!
I would be lost, alone and more broken without God, so I’m thankful for My Heavenly Father!!
He also gave me my best friend, who is my rock.
I have to remember and to actively put my trust in Jesus and pour out my soul to him, as ultimately He is the only person who can restore my soul and heart!
Dear Kelly, I send you all my love, cuddles and prayers of love and comfort to you my darling xxxxx
Nay xxxxx ????
Here’s the link to the song I mentioned and Chris tells some of his and his wife’s story.
https://youtu.be/_j4EPiJE8-I
SORRY FOR THE MEGA LENGTH OF THIS!!! ??????
Dear Nay,
Thank you so much for sharing the song! I love it. You make so many great points. I’m so sorry for all of your losses and for the struggle you are currently going through. I admire you for your courage to keep trying despite the enormous amount of anxiety it must bring. And the jealousy, the “why me’s” — I completely understand. I hate feeling them!! Some days it is easier for me to think of God as kind and loving than others. Other days it is more of a struggle, like you said. But viewing him in a kind way is what gets me through. Instead of blaming God for what has happened, like you said, it is easier to think of him as loving and caring. I hope you get your miracle! Sending you much love and many hugs!
Beautifully and truthfully written. So many points that you make that run through my head every single day since loosing my son Jude. Virtual hugs to you ?
Thank you. It’s good to know that others have similar thoughts. Sending hugs your way, also.
I feel the exact same way since I lost my son three months ago and just posted a blog about it yesterday. This was beautifully written.
Strengthafterhellp.wordpress.com
Thank you. I’m so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.