“If it weren’t for my older son/daughter, I don’t think I could survive.”

“Without my living children, I don’t think I would have found anything worth living for.”

“If I hadn’t had my rainbow baby, I don’t know if I could have found hope again.”

“I just don’t know if life would be worth living without my children.”

I have heard these statements countless times over the years since my daughters died before birth. I’ve heard them said by many loss moms and parents, by friends, by family members, by clients, and other counselors in my profession.

The basic beliefs behind these statements?

Without a living child, life isn’t worth living.
Hope and survival after the death of a child is out of reach and impossible.
Survival is the best one can hope for after death of one or all of one’s children.

These are the painful and potentially damaging statements for mothers who have lost their children – mothers without any living children in particular.

And each and every one of these statements is bullshit.

Complete and total nonsense.

Losing our children is devastating. We are left with aching arms, broken and battered hearts, unspeakable grief, and unbelievable loss. This is a loss that will stay with us for the rest of our lives.

To put these kinds of statements out in the world gives the false and dangerous sense to grieving and broken mamas that there is no hope for them, no reason or life worth living after the loss of our only living children.

But as huge and utterly life altering as our losses are as invisible mothers, we are not without hope.

Life does not become worthless or beyond survival when our babies die.

We, as individuals, as humans, as mothers to babies gone too soon, are worth living for. Us, just us as individuals. We are reason enough to live – to fight for life, for beauty, for joy, for the fullness of living again.

Our children, alive or dead, are beautiful and amazing sources of purpose and inspiration and joy.

And we can have purpose and inspiration and joy even without them here with us.

We deserve that.

We deserve that hope.

We deserve that full and beautiful life – even if it never feels quite fully complete.

We are worth it.

We are worth living for. Even without our babies. Even though life most certainly didn’t go as planned. Even though it is painful and aching and forever bittersweet.

We can have hope.

We can not only survive, but learn to thrive again.

We are worth living for, because we are enough simply for and as ourselves.

Words are powerful creatures – whether said by another or by ourselves. Let us use that power wisely, with great love and care for all of us.

Instead of saying, “If it weren’t for my older son/daughter, I don’t think I could survive,” perhaps say, “I am so grateful for my remaining children.”

Instead of saying, “Without my living children, I don’t think I would have found anything worth living for, ” try “Life is incredibly hard after the loss of my child and I am grateful for my remaining children.”

Instead of saying, “If I hadn’t had my rainbow baby, I don’t know if I could have found hope again,” say “I am grateful for the chance to parent a living child even as I miss my older child deeply.”

Instead of saying, “I just don’t know if life would be worth living without my children,” try “Life without my children is hard and painful but I am looking for reasons to find hope.”

You can be your hope.

Your life is worth living, for you and you alone.

Beautiful Mama, you are enough to live for.

Fight to live fully.

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Emily Long

Emily Long is the mother of two much-loved daughters, both gone-too-soon. Several months after the death of her fiancé, their daughter Grace was born still. For many years, Emily lived with this loss in silence and isolation. It wasn’t until she experienced the death of her second daughter, Lily, that she finally sought support and created a community of people who helped her find the beauty and joy in life again. Through her own healing process, Emily became an advocate for all families grieving the loss of their children. Emily is a grief counselor in private practice and the author of the upcoming book, “Invisible Mothers.”

Emily works hard to increase education and improve care for bereaved mothers with medical professionals and other counselors. She also works with clients individually to provide support for grieving mothers and fathers. She writes and educates through her website, Emily Long: Archaeologist of the Living.

Latest posts by Emily Long (see all)

• I Should Know Them Now - May 29, 2017
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• Receiving Support - October 14, 2016