My heart is just so tired today.

I am tired of grieving.
I am tired of feeling incomplete.

I am tired of aching empty arms.
I am tired of feeling inadequate as a woman.

I am tired of feeling guilty over the fact that my body betrayed me and allowed or caused my children to die.

I am tired of insensitivity from those who make no effort to understand the how I can mourn children I have never gotten to hold.
I am tired of being ignored by those who can’t understand that I mourn the future I will never have with my children.
I am tired of being the “bigger person” who always has to understand the other person’s perspective while they make no effort to understand mine.

I am tired of smiling outside, while crying inside.
I am tired of having my heart cut open when people complain to me about their living children.
I am tired of conversations ending when I try to talk about my children.
I am tired of people who have no experience with loss and infertility giving me advice about how they think I should be thinking and feeling.

I am tired of dreading this lonely future.
I am tired of feeling like a couple rather than a family.
I am tired of trying to avoid the thought that either I or my husband will die alone.
I am tired of hearing all the bragging about other people’s grandchildren, since I know I will have no grandchildren of my own.

I am tired of other people’s expectations.
I am tired of people who have never experienced child loss expecting me to be somehow over it and act as if my heart has not been crushed beyond recognition.
I am tired of others expecting me to be some poster child for living childless after loss by finding meaning after meaningless tragedy and never showing my weak, hurt, angry and bitter sides.
I am tired of defending my grief, both its existence and how I live it out.

I am tired of being strong for everyone else so that they don’t see me when I cry.
I am tired of being too emotionally wrung out to even cry some days.

I am tired of hiding my authentic self.
I am tired of lying by saying “I’m fine” when people ask how I am.

I am tired of being a Still Mother and knowing I can never wake from this reality.

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Maureen Schaefer

Maureen Schaefer (known as Reen to her online friends) found herself battling infertility and recurrent miscarriage after trying to start a family in 2011. Maureen found information and solidarity in her online support groups and eventually began to help moderate a group for those pursuing advanced methods of trying to conceive. She also co-founded a group for those actively trying to conceive who have experienced two or more pregnancy losses or babies born still (Babycenter's Actively Trying with Repeat Loss). Now, after five pregnancy losses, Maureen is coming to terms with living a childless life. You can usually find her behind the scenes helping out with Still Mother's Facebook page and groups.

Latest posts by Maureen Schaefer (see all)

• The Ornament - December 7, 2021
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• The Devil Doesn’t Need More Advocates - December 3, 2019