“Do you have children?” I never knew that would be such a difficult question to answer. It seems pretty basic, you have them or you don’t, right? Except, as it turns out, it’s a very complicated question. I have a son, but I don’t have him here. A little of column A and a little of column B.
I was recently at a volunteer recognition event; I only knew one person there. I braced myself, I knew the question was coming…”We had a son, we lost him. But my niece keeps me hopping!” I add the bit about my niece as a desperate attempt to give them a conversational branch to swing to. All night, everyone swapped stories about their children or grandchildren; I watched like one would observe a science experiment. I wondered what it would feel like, to confidently chat about play group, favourite toys and milestones. I’m more familiar with planning a funeral, planting bulbs at my baby’s grave and mourning. None of these make for pleasant conversation.
Four years later – four long, long years – I’m still struggling to figure out how to function. Ask me what books I’ve read lately. Ask me about travel or volunteer work. Ask me my son’s name. Ask me about my fantastic niece, who is hilarious and a vibrant part of my heart. These are great questions to ask; don’t let me share my son with you and be forced to watch the conversation strangle itself on your discomfort. I can’t tell you I don’t have any children; I can’t deny my motherhood for your comfort. I can’t lie about a piece of my soul.
I sometimes have a “dream conversation” in my head, hoping against hopes, this is the day it will come true. In my dream, I’m asked if I have children and I answer, as I always do. In my dream the person may offer their sympathies and then they ask me his name. They ask me his age. They want to see his picture – all the typical follow up questions that never get tossed my way. My child died but my memory and details of him did not. Let me share them. Let me share him, give me a short moment, but a liberating moment of being his proud Mum.
- The Importance Of Pictures - October 12, 2020
- Self-Isolation And Still Mothers - April 3, 2020
- And Here We Are - June 24, 2019
Andrea, after reading this I realise I have never seen a picture of Thomas, please for give me for not asking. I hope you have one (or two) and might bring them to the RP Social. Sending love and hugs, the usual stuff..
I am always, always happy to share Thomas’ pictures with people. I’ll come well armed with pictures. thank you, for wanting to see my little man.