Today I have been to a birthday party.
My goddaughter’s birthday, who turns 6 tomorrow.
This is a date I have dreaded for 5 years now.
When she was born I had had no idea yet about my pregnancy. She is approximately 7 months older than my son would be, or is. The day she was born I burst into tears. And those were not the tears of joy, but those of despair, longing, feeling incomplete. Then, a couple of weeks later everything felt much easier and better when I realized that I was expecting my baby.
Her baptism was supposed to be at the end of May that year, a week after I lost my little son. However it got cancelled because the priest couldn’t do it for some reason. Otherwise I should have done it, my family wouldn’t have let me do in any other way. It Finally it happened that August.
For several months, or maybe years, I could not stay with her during any kinds of holidays. I bought the Christmas presents but I could not be there when she opened them. I cried at her birthday when she turned one, and saw the doll we gave her. The joy I could see in her sweet little face made me fall into pieces. Nobody took notice of it, they simply didn’t care. And I could continue with several other examples.
I haven’t been a great godmother so far, let’s be honest. It’s simply too hard.
Nowadays I am getting better, which means that while we are together I can be quite okay. I only start crying when I have already left. And if I’m lucky I am sitting alone in the subway or in the car and nobody cares, actually. If I’m not so lucky my husband tells me that I should really stop it now, I can’t do this all the time… I’m not doing it all the time. But I feel so lonely with all this.
I look at this amazing six-year old girl and I can’t help asking myself who my son is, what he looks like. Has he got brown eyes? Is he kind and a bit shy like me? Or is he a really sweet and lovable boy who likes running around and has a passion for cars? I miss all the birthday parties I haven’t been and won’t be able to organize for him. Still I can’t, it’s impossible for me’ talk about him using past tense.
I hardly have any memories, I didn’t see him, didn’t hold him, all I have is this immense pain I can hardly bear. Before leaving for the party today I told my mom that this pain, this missing him so much, eternally will never ever change. No matter what. And I know it also means that each year I am going to sob like I am doing now, every time it will break my heart. Because of my beloved little son and because of my goddaughter.
Have I told you that she is starting school this year? Please, do the math…
- What Child is This? - December 24, 2016
- A New Schoolbag - September 5, 2016
- No Simple Path to Okay - August 19, 2016