It’s hard, I imagine, to really understand the pain and longings of an invisible mother – a mother without any living children. To understand the unbelievable ache to hold the child you love with every beat of your heart.
The idea of having one’s only or all their children die is incomprehensible – until you are the one living it.
And when it happens to someone you love, how do you know what the invisible mother in your life needs from you? How do you support them through the most painful and devastating loss of their lives?
It’s really quite simple.
Remember with us
If we have named our child, speak their names. Please, speak their names. There is no sweeter sound to a grieving mother’s heart.
Talk with us about them. Share your memories. Ask about ours. Share that connection with our beautiful, precious babies.
Remember their birthdays or due dates or the day that we lost them. These dates are forever marked in our lives – it means the world to us when you remember too.
Be with us
When we cry, give us a shoulder to lean on.
When we need to talk, simply listen. Not give advice, not suggest how we can handle it better or differently. Simply listen.
When the weight of grief is so heavy we can’t stand, lay down with us and wrap us in love. Give us permission to be wherever we are when we are with you – real and raw and honest.
When there aren’t words to say (and there rarely are), simply hug us and hold on.
Be present with us through all the ups and downs – the weeping, the brokenness, the bittersweet memories, the painful reminders, and the fears and uncertainties.
Acknowledge the uncertainties ahead
However uncomfortable it is to acknowledge, the truth is that no one knows if we will ever have another child. No one knows if we will even hold a living child in our arms or if we will ever get pregnant again.
Please, acknowledge that uncertainty. Instead of pushing the fear of the unknown aside with false optimism and cheery platitudes – be real with us. Hope is a beautiful and powerful thing, but false hope in the face of devastating loss and uncertainty is painful and heartbreaking.
None of us know what this journey of life after loss will hold for us. None of us know what the future holds for us as mothers and parents.
Instead of trying to give us the cheery encouragement of “of course, you’ll have another baby,” simply acknowledge that we love and miss the baby we had and that whatever life holds, you’ll be here with us.
Your presence is the only certainty you can control as we find our way through grief and life after loss. If you need to give us a certainty to hold onto, give us you.
We need you.
To love us.
To be with us.
To remember with us.
To face the uncertainty of the future with us.
That is how you can help support us.
Emily works hard to increase education and improve care for bereaved mothers with medical professionals and other counselors. She also works with clients individually to provide support for grieving mothers and fathers. She writes and educates through her website, Emily Long: Archaeologist of the Living.
- I Should Know Them Now - May 29, 2017
- Stolen Memories - March 8, 2017
- Receiving Support - October 14, 2016
The need is so real. Thank you for acknowledging the loss of babies, and saying it so eloquently.
That is so very beautiful