The holidays are never easy for those of us who are survivors of infertility, pregnancy loss or infant loss. For me, it is in the endless wonder…
What toys would they have loved playing with this year?
What would our holiday card have looked like?
What would it have been like road tripping to Iowa with them?
The missing memories, the forever longing and the lifelong wonder on some days haunt me and on others helps me to honor them every day of my life.
As a therapist, I need my clients and my loved ones (and myself) to take extra care of themselves during the holidays. The holidays are a busy time where we tend to fall off track with taking care of ourselves. We don’t get enough sleep, we eat more freely and we say yes to too over-scheduling. Which means we also tend to feel worn out, burnt out and resentful. Which is the exact opposite of what the holiday season is meant to bring forth, I think!
Do you need to say no to some of those parties and get-togethers?
Do you need to buy less?
Do you need to connect more with the people who truly get you?
Do you need to stay more on course with your eating and sleep schedule?
For those of us who are survivors of loss I believe we must be conscious and practicing of these boundaries around the holidays. And even more so, I think we have to practice our recoveries to truly honor our lost babes.
After failed infertility treatments I knew my husband and I would need to take extra care of ourselves during the holiday season. And so we’ve done two major things. One, we have made traditions for our family of two that mean the world to us and that we set boundaries around. For example, the night of Thanksgiving we go see the newest blockbuster in the dine-in movie theater, just the two of us. The last couple of years, this included ordering our buttered popcorn and wine (considering this our dinner) and watching the latest Hunger Games. Then the next day we go and pick out Christmas tree and decorate the house for winter/Christmas. Again, just the two of us, well and of course the three dogs.
Second, we’ve created traditions with our chosen children in honor of our lost children, such as giving them gifts and also going on Christmas day for them to do a show and tell of what Santa brought them. To create these traditions with our loved ones required us to ask to be included in some way; asking for what we want and need from our loved ones is also important in our recovery and in honoring our lost babies. I love being able to have a small piece of the Santa Claus magic in this way.
It is through this honoring of our traditions that we make room for it all, the longing and grief and the acceptance and joy.
Does it fill up the holes left by our three babies? Never.
Does it honor them still? Completely.
And dare I say, isn’t this the true spirit of the season?
Justine lives in Saint Louis, Missouri with her husband Chad and their three dogs Bosco, Gertie and Gracie. She enjoys her childfull life by spending time with friends and family, practicing creative self-care, laughing (sometimes at herself) and building butterfly gardens on her acre of land, which has made her an accidental monarch butterfly farmer.
- A Gift Through Them - May 18, 2016
- The Always Longing Yet Healing Mother - February 15, 2016
- Honor Them Through Creating Traditions - December 7, 2015