Relationships are hard after loss. To add to the struggle of losing a child, you witness your partner go through it first hand. You can’t help it, stop it, save them from it, spare them – nada. It’s a heart wrenching experience tacked onto the tail end of the worst moment of your life.
I remember feeling so close to him in the first few days after coming home from the hospital. Nearly glued to the hip, too worried to let each other out of sight, we both were suffering and didn’t want to be alone.
In the weeks that followed our grief changed us – we both were handling it in different ways, and we started drifting apart. We attended therapy sessions and the simple notion of creating new memories was suggested. Do things we had not done before – maybe some of the things that got put on hold due to expecting, or work on some things that might need improving. Here are some ideas:
Talking & Listening
We needed to improve expressing ourselves to each other. We were both concerned with how the other would take hearing our thoughts and feelings and would second guess what to say. It made a mess of any real communication. We agreed no feeling sparing, no judgements, and no worries. A sincere “How are you” and then honest listening no matter how hard the answers might be to hear. No TV or other distractions. Really devoting our attention to each other and reconnecting.
Touching & Cuddling
Make small daily efforts to touch. Be it on the arm or leg, a hug, a kiss on the cheek. Especially if you’re unable to bond through Talking & Listening that day. Little things that say I’m here to each other. It gets hard as your time fills up again with the demands of the outside world to have couple time. Not forgetting to factor in that intimacy is different after pregnancy AND loss. Take some alone time to cuddle in the early days – you can have intimacy without the possible anxiety sex may bring. Don’t take for granted or lose the healing comfort of each others touch.
Hobbies
We put a focus on always having ‘together hobbies’ as well as ‘alone hobbies’.
Our Together hobbies got us out and/or trying new things. We went to local shows/concerts, took a cooking class, got back into going to the movies (always the later times at first), and even the more simple at home hobbies – playing cards, board games, and puzzles – really, anything as long as it’s together. Our Alone hobbies got us doing things we as individuals love, with the added bonus of giving us things to talk about that aren’t painful: Our new memories.
How do you and your significant other maintain your relationship after loss?
The grief from the unexplainable loss, and subsequent miscarriages, proved near impossible to handle for the young couple causing them to loose themselves, and inevitably each other.
In time they were able to reunite, and resumed some semblance of a normal life. When it came around to trying again, each had their own conflicting thoughts and feelings that understandably ran deep. After soul searching and thoroughly disscusing it a shift happened.
Going into 2015 the decision was made to stop trying. Just let it go. Closing the door but not locking it. Taking some time to look around at the other doors in life. Maybe open a window or two 😉
Grappling with the choice to continue to live a childless life, Lindsay happened upon and joined the Still Mothers community. She hopes in sharing her experiences she can help those who for whatever reason are faced with living childless after loss.
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