She is not a memory.
She is not a sad story.
She is not “just a baby”.
She is a real person.
She is my daughter.
When you speak about her, remember I value her above all other humans. I would have done anything to keep her with me. And I would do anything do have her back.
She is not an accident. She is not a set back. We’re not “trying again”. We don’t have to; She wasn’t a failure. We don’t want to replace her. I am not looking forward to being a mom; I already am a mom. I have been one for years now.
I’m not hiding her. I’m not backing down. I’m not changing the subject. I’m not forgetting, I’m not “letting go”, I’m not “moving on”. I don’t care if that makes you uncomfortable, I won’t stop talking about her. She is the most important part of my life. I can’t separate myself from her. We’re a package deal.
I never stopped laughing. Not even in those early days when it felt like the earth has stopped turning. But I’ll never stop crying, either. I’ll never stop hurting. I’ll never stop missing her. There will always be a hole in me that’s exactly the size of her.
I’m not “better now”. I’m grief-bound like some are wheelchair-bound. Except I lost more than a limb. It’s not getting away. I wish my disability was visible. Recognized. A special card in my wallet. I don’t need designated parking lots but we could do with some safe places. I wish there were road signs in the streets to let us know, “here you can say her name, here you can cry, here we understand”.
I want a sign above my head that reads, “Every day I’m living without my heart”.
She is my daughter.
- Love After Loss – Part II - February 10, 2017
- Love After Loss – Part I - February 8, 2017
- Sorry Not Sorry - January 23, 2017
This is beautiful. And I agree. I wish there was a designated safe space for the grieving too.
I am working very hard to make a designated safe space. My goal is to start a museum/support center in Orlando Fl next year in memory of my son Elijah and our Love, Elijah Project. In the mean time, I am encouraging mothers and fathers to talk about their children in heaven via letters, pictures, artwork, cards, etc. We then share them with the world on our blog. We are just in the beginning stages, but I want every parent out there to be able to share their stories and feeling safe doing so. I want them all to know that each baby and child matters, even those who are no longer in our arms. Check out more about The Love, Elijah Project on our webpage, and please feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions <3
http://www.loveelijah.com
Thank you so much for sharing! That is beautiful. A hug, a part of my heart be is with you, and blessings……may you all be held in the palm of God’s hand. <3
Thank you Julie <3
Please, for any mom out there feeling the same way, I urge you to research the nonprofit I started in memory of my son Elijah.
It is your safe place to talk about your children in heaven.
It is a post office box where you send letters or artwork to or about your children.
There is only one person who has access to that p.o. box, and that is me, Elijah’s mom.
If the package is marked with the #loveelijah then I will share it on our loveelijah.com blog.
If it is not marked, then it will be just like sending a letter to heaven and the letter will be kept under lock and key.
I want parents to feel safe about telling their children’s stories. I want their stories to be told. Please let me and The Love, Elijah Project help you.
Love, Elijah
14900 E Orange Lake Blvd #209
Kissimmee, 34747
Many hugs and love to all of you.
Thank you!
Your daughter is beautiful!
Thank you Heather !!
Chloe, this is a breathtakingly beautiful statement of child loss. Though my child was not an infant, your words are the purest form of my own words. When I attempt to speak my deepest feelings about Patrick the words sound so clumsy. But you, dear girl, have penned them so perfectly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Patti
Thank you Patti for taking the time to comment. Your support means a lot ! Patrick <3
” … I value her above all other humans …” This is something that most people simply do not understand. That, even though your precious child is dead, she is still the most important part of your life. Other people expect that you can simply put her aside, put her behind you, put others before her. But that’s not how it is. Life after losing a child is not like that. ((hugs)) to you. I have buried three children. A daughter and two sons. I will always value them more than any others. I will always love them more than any others. They will ALWAYS be important to me.
Oh mama, it breaks my heart that you had to lost your three precious children, your daughter and your little boys. I hate that this happened. It’s just like you said – we will never put them aside or behind, and we will never put others before them. For ever our favorite.
I will always speak her name. Thank you for your words. Here is to our girls and the amazing that they are and will always be.
Always mama. Always <3
More than anything I feel your pain. I know your pain. I live with it every day.I have for 9 years now. I would give anything to carry my daughter in my arms again. I speak about her all the time. I say her name ” Malia” and I will never stop. It is up to us as Mothers to always keep our children’s memories alive. And I do.
I’m so sorry to learn the loss of your precious Malia. What you said about longing to carry her is beautiful. It reminds of the poem “i carry you heart… i carry it in my heart.” Malia. What a beautiful name… Big hugs mama